L-l  '    - 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 

William  Stock 


NOTICES  OF  AN  INDEPENDENT  PRESS. 


[I  HAVE  observed,  reader,  (bene-  or  male-volent,  as  it  may  hap 
pen,)  that  it  is  customary  to  append  to  the  second  editions  of 
books,  and  to  the  second  works  of  authors,  short  sentences  com 
mendatory  of  the  first,  under  the  title  of  Notices  of  the  Press. 
These,  I  have  been  given  to  understand,  are  procurable  at  certain 
established  rates,  payment  being  made  either  in  money  or  adver 
tising  patronage  by  the  publisher,  or  by  an  adequate  outlay  of 
servility  on  the  part  of  the  author.  Considering  these  things 
with  myself,  and  also  that  such  notices  are  neither  intended,  nor 
generally  believed,  to  convey  any  real  opinions,  being  a  purely 
ceremonial  accompaniment  of  literature,  and  resembling  certifi 
cates  to  the  virtues  of  various  morbiferal  panaceas,  I  conceived 
that  it  would  be  not  only  more  economical  to  prepare  a  sufficient 
number  of  such  myself,  but  also  more  immediately  subservient  to 
the  end  in  view  to  prefix  them  to  this  our  primary  edition  rather 
than  await  the  contingency  of  a  second,  when  they  would  seem  to 
be  of  small  utility.  To  delay  attaching  the  bobs  until  the  second 
attempt  at  flying  the  kite  would  indicate  but  a  slender  experience 
in  that  useful  art.  Neither  has  it  escaped  my  notice,  nor  failed  to 
afford  me  matter  of  reflection,  that,  when  a  circus  or  a  caravan  is 


about  to  visit  Jaalam,  the  initial  step  is  to  send  forward  large  and 
highly  ornamented  bills  of  performance  to  be  hung  in  the  bar-room 
and  the  post-office.  These  having  been  sufficiently  gazed  at,  and 
beginning  to  lose  their  attractiveness  except  for  the  flies,  and,  truly, 
the  boys  also,  (in  whom  I  find  it  impossible  to  repress,  even  during 
school-hours,  certain  oral  and  telegraphic  correspondences  con 
cerning  the  expected  show,)  upon  some  fine  morning  the  band  en 
ters  in  a  gaily-painted  wagon,  or  triumphal  chariot,  and  with  noisy 
advertisement,  by  means  of  brass,  wood,  and  sheepskin,  makes  the 
circuit  of  our  startled  village-streets.  Then,  as  the  exciting  sounds 
draw  nearer  and  nearer,  do  I  desiderate  those  eyes  of  Aristarchus 
u  whose  looks  were  as  a  breeching  to  a  boy."  Then  do  I  perceive, 
with  vain  regret  of  wasted  opportunities,  the  advantage  of  a  pan- 
cratic  or  pantechnic  education,  since  he  is  most  reverenced  by  my 
little  subjects  who  can  throw  the  cleanest  summerset  or  walk  most 
securely  upon  the  revolving  cask.  The  story  of  the  Pied  Piper 
becomes  for  the  first  time  credible  to  me,  (albeit  confirmed  by  the 
Hameliners  dating  their  legal  instruments  from  the  period  of  his 
exit,)  as  I  behold  how  those  strains,  without  pretence  of  magical 
potency,  bewitch  the  pupillary  legs,  nor  leave  to  the  pedagogic  an 
entire  self-control.  For  these  reasons,  lest  my  kingly  prerogative 
should  suffer  diminution,  I  prorogue  my  restless  commons,  whom 
I  also  follow  into  the  street,  chiefly  lest  some  mischief  may  chance 
befall  them.  After  the  manner  of  such  a  band,  I  send  forward 
the  following  notices  of  domestic  manufacture,  to  make  brazen 
proclamation,  not  unconscious  of  the  advantage  which  will  accrue, 
if  our  little  craft,  cymbula  sutilis,  shall  seem  to  leave  port  with 
a  clipping  breeze,  and  to  carry,  in  nautical  phrase,  a  bone  in  her 
mouth.  Nevertheless,  I  ,have  chosen,  as  being  more  equitable,  to 
prepare  some  also  sufficiently  objurgatory,  that  readers  of  every 


taste  may  find  a  dish  to  their  palate.  I  have  modelled  them  upon 
actually  existing  specimens,  preserved  in  my  own  cabinet  of 
natural  curiosities.  One,  in  particular,  I  had  copied  with  tolerable 
exactness  from  a  notice  of  one  of  my  own  discourses,  which,  from 
its  superior  tone  and  appearance  of  vast  experience,  I  concluded 
to  have  been  written  by  a  man  at  least  three  hundred  years  of  age, 
though  I  recollected  no  existing  instance  of  such  antediluvian 
longevity.  Nevertheless,  I  afterwards  discovered  the  author  to  be 
a  young  gentleman  preparing  for  the  ministry  under  the  direction 
of  one  of  my  brethren  in  a  neighbouring  town,  and  whom  I  had 
once  instinctively  corrected  in  a  Latin  quantity.  But  this  I  have 
been  forced  to  omit,  from  its  too  great  length.  —  H.  W.] 


From  the  Universal  Littery  Universe. 

Full  of  passages  which  rivet  the  attention  of  the  reader Under  a 

rustic  garb,  sentiments  are  conveyed  which  should  be  committed  to  the  memory 

and  engraven  on  the  heart  of  every  moral  and  social  being We  consider 

this  a  unique  performance We  hope  to  see  it  soon  introduced  into  our 

common  schools Mr.  Wilbur  has  performed  his  duties  as  editor  with  ex 
cellent  taste  and  judgment This  is  a  vein  which  we  hope  to  see  success 
fully  prosecuted We  hail  the  appearance  of  this  work  as  a  long  stride 

toward  the  formation  of  a  purely  aboriginal,  indigenous,  native,  and  American 
literature.  We  rejoice  to  meet  with  an  author  national  enough  to  break  away 
from  the  slavish  deference,  too  common  among  us,  to  English  grammar  and  or 
thography Where  all  is  so  good,  we  are  at  a  loss  how  to  make  extracts. 

On  the  whole,  we  may  call  it  a  volume  which  no  library,  pretending  to 

entire  completeness,  should  fail  to  place  upon  its  shelves. 


From  the  Higginbottomopolis  Snapping-turtle. 

A  collection  of  the  merest  balderdash  and  doggerel  that  it  was  ever  our  bad 
fortune  to  lay  eyes  on.  The  author  is  a  vulgar  buffoon,  and  the  editor  a  talka 
tive,  tedious  old  fool.  We  use  strong  language,  but  should  any  of  our  readers 


peruse  the  book,  (from  which  calamity  Heaven  preserve  them  !)  they  wii  find 
reasons  for  it  thick  aa  the  leaves  of  Vallumbrozer,  or,  to  use  a  still  more  ex 
pressive  comparison,  as  the  combined  heads  of  author  and  editor.  The  work  is 

wretchedly  got  up We  should  like  to  know  how  much  British  gold  was 

pocketed  by  this  libeller  of  our  country  and  her  purest  patriots. 


From  the  Oldfogrumville  Mentor. 

We  have  not  had  time  to  do  more  than  glance  through  this  handsomely 
printed  volume,  but  the  name  of  its  respectable  editor,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Wilbur, 

of  Jaalam,  will  afford  a  sufficient  guaranty  for  the  worth  of  its  contents 

The  paper  is  white,  the  type  clear,  and  the  volume  of  a  convenient  and  attract 
ive  size In  reading  this  elegantly  executed  work,  it  has  seemed  to  us  that 

a  passage  or  two  might  have  been  retrenched  with  advantage,  and  that  the 

general  style  of  diction  was  susceptible  of  a  higher  polish On  the  whole, 

we  may  safely  leave  the  ungrateful  task  of  criticism  to  the  reader.  We  will 
barely  suggest,  that  in  volumes  intended,  as  this  is,  for  the  illustration  of  a  pro 
vincial  dialect  and  turns  of  expression,  a  dash  of  humor  or  satire  might  be 

thrown  in  with  advantage The  work  is  admirably  got  up This 

work  will  form  an  appropriate  ornament  to  the  centre-table.  It  is  beautifully 
printed,  on  paper  of  an  excellent  quality. 


From  the  Dekay  Bulwark. 

We  should  be  wanting  in  our  duty  as  the  conductor  of  that  tremendous  engine, 
a  public  press,  as  an  American,  and  as  a  man,  did  we  allow  such  an  opportunity 
as  is  presented  to  us  by  "  The  Biglow  Papers  "  to  pass  by  without  entering  our 
earnest  protest  against  such  attempts  (now,  alas  !  too  common)  at  demoralizing 
the  public  sentiment.  Under  a  wretched  mask  of  stupid  drollery,  slavery,  war, 
the  social  glass,  and,  in  short,  all  the  valuable  and  time-honored  institutions 
justly  dear  to  our  common  humanity  and  especially  to  republicans,  are  made  the 
butt  of  coarse  and  senseless  ribaldry  by  this  low-minded  scribbler.  It  is  time  that 
the  respectable  and  religious  portion  of  our  community  should  be  aroused  to  tha 
alarming  inroads  of  foreign  Jacobinism,  sansculottism,.  and  infidelity.  It  is  a 
fearful  proof  of  the  wide-spread  nature  of  this  contagion,  that  these  secret  staba 
at  religion  and  virtue  are  given  from  under  the  cloak  (credits,  posteri!)  of 
a  clergyman.  It  is  a  mournful  spectacle  indeed  to  the  patriot  and  Christian 
to  see  liberality  and  new  ideas  (falsely  so  called,  —  they  are  as  old  as  Eden)  in 
vading  the  sacred  precincts  of  the  pulpit On  the  whole,  we  consider  this 

volume  as  one  of  the  first  shocking  results  which  we  predicted  would  spring  out 
of  the  late  French  "  Revolution  "  (!). 


From  the  Bungtotcn  Copper  and  Comprehensive  Tocsin  (a  tryweakly  family 
journal). 

Altogether  an  admirable  work Full  of  humor,  boisterous,  but  delicate,  — 

of  wit  withering  and  scorching,  yet  combined  with  a  pathos  cool  as  morning  dew, 
—  of  satire  ponderous  as  the  mace  of  Richard,  yet  keen  as  the  scymitar  of  Sala- 

din A  work  full  of  "  mountain-mirth,"  mischievous  as  Puck  and  lightsome 

as  Ariel We  know  not  whether  to  admire  most  the  genial,  fresh,  and  dis 
cursive  concinnity  of  the  author,  or  his  playful  fancy,  weird  imagination,  and 

compass  of  style,  at  once  both  objective  and  subjective We  might  indulge 

in  some  criticisms,  but,  were  the  author  other  than  he  is,  he  would  be  a  differ 
ent  being.  As  it  is,  he  has  a  wonderful  pose,  which  flits  from  flower  to  flower, 
and  bears  the  reader  irresistibly  along  on  its  eagle  pinions  (like  Ganymede)  to 

the  "highest  heaven  of  invention." We  love  a  book  so  purely  objective. 

Many  of  his  pictures  of  natural  scenery  have  an  extraordinary  subjective 

clearness  and  fidelity In  fine,  we  consider  this  as  one  of  the  most  extraor 
dinary  volumes  of  this  or  any  age.  We  know  of  no  English  author  who  could 
have  written  it.  It  is  a  work  to  which  the  proud  genius  of  our  country,  stand 
ing  with  one  foot  on  the  Aroostook  and  the  other  on  the  Rio  Grande,  and  hold 
ing  up  the  star-spangled  banner  amid  the  wreck  of  matter  and  the  crush  of 
worlds,  may  point  with  bewildering  scorn  of  the  punier  efforts  of  enslaved  Eu 
rope We  hope  soon  to  encounter  our  author  among  those  higher  walks 

of  literature  in  which  he  is  evidently  capable  of  achieving  enduring  fame.  Al 
ready  we  should  be  inclined  to  assign  him  a  high  position  in  the  bright  galaxy 
of  our  American  bards. 


From  the  Saltriver  Pilot  and  Flag  of  Freedom. 

A  volume  in  bad  grammar  and  worse  taste While  the  pieces  here  col 
lected  were  confined  to  their  appropriate  sphere  in  the  corners  of  obscure  news 
papers,  we  considered  them  wholly  beneath  contempt,  but,  as  the  author  haa 
chosen  to  come  forward  in  this  public  manner,  he  must  expect  the  lash  he  so 

richly  merits Contemptible  slanders Vilest  Billingsgate Haa 

raked  all  the  gutters  of  our  language The  most  pure,  upright,  and  con 
sistent  politicians  not  safe  from  his  malignant  venom General  Cushing 

comes  in  for  a  share  of  his  vile  calumnies The  Reverend  Homer  Wilbur 

is  a  disgrace  to  his  cloth 


From  the  World-Harmonic-jEolian-Attachment. 

Speech  is  silver:  silence  is  golden.    No  utterance  more  Orphic  than  this. 
While,  therefore,  as  highest  author,  we  Teverence  him  whose  works  continue 


heroically  unwritten,  we  have  also  our  hopeful  word  for  those  who  with  pen 
(from  wing  of  goose  loud-cackling,  or  seraph  God-commissioned)  record  the 

thing  that  is  revealed Under  mask  of  quaintest  irony,  we  detect  here  the 

deep,  storm-tost  (nigh  shipwracked)  soul,  thunder-scarred,  semiarticulate,  but 

ever  climbing  hopefully  toward  the  peaceful  summits  of  an  Infinite  Sorrow 

Yes,  thou  poor,  forlorn  Hosea,  with  Hebrew  fire-flaming  soul  in  thee,  for  thee 
also  this  life  of  ours  has  not  been  without  its  aspects  of  heavenliest  pity  and 
laughingest  mirth.  Conceivable  enough !  Through  coarse  Thersites-cloak,  we 
have  revelation  of  the  heart,  wild-glowing,  world-clasping,  that  is  in  him. 
Bravely  he  grapples  with  the  life-problem  as  it  presents  itself  to  him,  uncombed, 
shaggy,  careless  of  the  "  nicer  proprieties,"  inexpert  of  "  elegant  diction,"  yet 
with  voice  audible  enough  to  whoso  hath  ears,  up  there  on  the  gravelly  side- 
hills,  or  down  on  the  splashy,  Indiarubber-like  salt-marshes  of  native  Jaalam. 
To  this  soul  also  the  Necessity  of  Creating  somewhat  has  unveiled  its  awful 
front.  If  not  (Edi  puses  and  Electras  and  Alcestises,  then  in  God's  name 
Birdofredum  Sawins !  These  also  shall  get  born  into  the  world,  and  filch  (if  so 
need)  a  Zingali  subsistence  therein,  these  lank,  omnivorous  Yankees  of  his. 
He  shall  paint  the  Seen,  since  the  Unseen  will  not  sit  to  him.  Yet  in  him  also 
are  Nibelungen-lays,  and  Iliads,  and  Ulysses-wanderings,  and  Divine  Comedies, 
—  if  only  once  he  could  come  at  them !  Therein  lies  much,  nay  all ;  for  what 

truly  is  this  which  we  name  All,  but  that  which  we  do  not  possess? 

Glimpses  also  are  given  us  of  an  old  father  Ezekiel,  not  without  paternal  pride, 
as  is  the  wont  of  such.  A  brown,  parchment-hided  old  man  of  the  geoponic  or 
bucolic  species,  gray-eyed,  we  fancy,  queued  perhaps,  with  much  weather- 
cunning  and  plentiful  September-gale  memories,  bidding  fair  in  good  time  to 
become  the  Oldest  Inhabitant.  After  such  hasty  apparition,  he  vanishes  and  is 

seen  no  more Of  "Rev.  Homer  Wilbur,  A.  M.,  Pastor  of  the  First 

Church  in  Jaalam,"  we  have  small  care  to  speak  here.  Spare  touch  in  him  of 
his  Melesigenes  namesake,  save,  haply,  the  —  blindness  !  A  tolerably  caliginose, 
nephelegeretous  elderly  gentleman,  with  infinite  faculty  of  sermonizing,  muscu- 
larized  by  long  practice,  and  excellent  digestive  apparatus,  and,  for  the  rest, 
well-meaning  enough,  and  with  small  private  illuminations  (somewhat  tallowy, 
it  is  to  be  feared)  of  his  own.  To  him,  there,  "  Pastor  of  the  First  Church  in 
Jaalam."  our  Hosea  presents  himself  as  a  quite  inexplicable  Sphinx-riddle.  A 
rich  poverty  of  Latin  and  Greek,  — so  far  is  clear  enough,  even  to  eyes  peering 
myopic  through  horn-lensed  editorial  spectacles,  —  but  naught  farther  ?  O  pur 
blind,  well-meaning,  altogether  fuscous  Melesi genes- Wilbur,  there  are  things  in. 
him  incommunicable  by  stroke  of  birch  !  Did  it  ever  enter  that  old  bewildered 
head  of  thine  that  there  was  the  Possibility  of  the  Infinite  in  him?  To  thee, 
quite  wingless  (and  even  featherless)  biped,  has  not  so  much  even  as  a  dream 
of  wings  ever  come  ?  "  Talented  young  parishioner  "  ?  Among  the  Arts  where 
of  thou  art  Mctgister,  does  that  of  seeing  happen  to  be  one  ?  Unhappy  Artium 
Magisler!  Somehow  a  Nemean  lion,  fulvous,  torrid-eyed,  dry-nursed  in  broad- 


howling  sand-wildernesses  of  a  sufficiently  rare  spirit-Libya  (it  may  be  sup 
posed)  has  got  whelped  among  the  sheep.  Already  he  stands  wild-glaring,  with 
feet  clutching  the  ground  as  with  oak-roots,  gathering  for  a  Remus-spring  over 
the  walls  of  thy  little  fold.  In  Heaven's  name,  go  not  near  him  with  that  fly- 
bite  crook  of  thine  !  In  good  time,  thou  painful  preacher,  thou  wilt  go  to  the 
appointed  place  of  departed  Artillery-Election  Sermons,  Right-Hands  of  Fellow 
ship,  and  Results  of  Councils,  gathered  to  thy  spiritual  fathers  with  much 
Latin  of  the  Epitaphial  sort ;  thou,- too,  shall  have  thy  reward  ;  but  on  him  the 
Eumenides  have  looked,  not  Xantippes  of  the  pit,  snake-tressed,  finger-threat 
ening,  but  radiantly  calm  as  on  antique  gems ;  for  him  paws  impatient  th* 
winged  courser  of  the  gods,  champing  unwelcome  bit;  him  the  starry  deeps, 
the  empyrean  glooms,  and  far-flashing  splendors  await. 


From  the  Onion  Grove  Phceniz. 

A  talented  young  townsman  of  ours,  recently  returned  from  a  Continental  tour, 
and  who  is  already  favorably  known  to  our  readers  by  his  sprightly  letters  from 
abroad  which  have  graced  our  columns,  called  at  our  office  yesterday.  We 
learn  from  him,  that,  having  enjoyed  the  distinguished  privilege,  while  in  Ger 
many,  of  an  introduction  to  the  celebrated  Von  Humbug,  he  took  the  opportuni 
ty  to  present  that  eminent  man  with  a  copy  of  the  "  Biglow  Papers."  The  next 
morning  he  received  the  following  note,  which  he  has  kindly  furnished  us  for 
publication.  We  prefer  to  print  verbatim,  knowing  that  our  readers  will  readily 
forgive  the  few  errors  into  which  the  illustrious  writer  has  fallen,  through  igno 
rance  of  our  language. 

"  HIGH-WORTHY  MISTER  ! 

"  I  shall  also  now  especially  happy  starve,  because  I  have  more  or  less  a 
work  of  one  those  aboriginal  Red-Men  seen  in  which  have  I  so  deaf  an  interest 
ever  taken  fullworthy  on  the  self  shelf  with  our  Gottsched  to  be  upset. 

"  Pardon  my  in  the  English-speech  unpractice  ! 

"VoN  HUMBUG." 

He  also  sent  with  the  above  note  a  copy  of  his  famous  work  on  "  Cosmetics." 
to  be  presented  to  Mr.  Biglow ;  but  this  was  taken  from  our  friend  by  the 
English  custom-house  officers,  probably  through  a  petty  national  spite.  No 
doubt,  it  has  by  this  time  found  its  way  into  the  British  Museum.  We  trust 
this  outrage  will  be  exposed  in  all  our  American  papers.  We  shall  do  our  bes» 
to  bring  it  to  the  notice  of  the  State  Department.  Our  numerous  readers  will 
share  in  the  pleasure  we  experience  at  seeing  our  young  and  vigorous  national 
literature  thus  encouragingly  patted  on  the  head  by  this  venerable  and  world- 
-enowned  German.  We  love  to  see  these  reciprocations  of  good-feeling  between 
.he  different  branches  of  the  great  Anglo-Saxon  race. 


[The  following  genuine  "notice"  having  met  my  eye,  I  gladly 
insert  a  portion  of  it  here,  the  more  especially  as  it  contains  a 
portion  of  one  of  Mr.  Biglow's  poems  not  elsewhere  printed. 
—  H.  W.] 


From  the.  Jaalam  Independent  Blunderbuss. 

But,  while  we  lament  to  see  our  young  townsman  thus  mingling  in 

the  heated  contests  of  party  politics,  we  think  we  detect  in  him  the  presence 
of  talents  which,  if  properly  directed,  might  give  an  innocent  pleasure  to  many. 
As  a  proof  that  he  is  competent  to  the  production  of  other  kinds  of  poetry,  we 
copy  for  our  readers  a  short  fragment  of  a  pastoral  by  him,  the  manuscript  of 
which  waa  loaned  us  by  a  friend.  The  title  of  it  is  "  The  CourtinV 

ZEKLE  crep'  up,  quite  unbeknown, 

An'  peeked  in  thru  the  winder, 
An'  there  sot  Huldy  all  alone, 

'ith  no  one  nigh  to  hender. 

Agin'  the  chimbly  crooknecks  hung, 

An'  in  amongst  'em  rusted 
The  ole  queen's  arm  thet  gran'ther  Young 

Fetched  back  frum  Concord  busted. 

The  wannut  logs  shot  sparkles  out 

Towards  the  pootiest,  bless  her ! 
An'  leetle  fires  danced  all  about 

The  chihy  on  the  dresser. 

The  very  room,  coz  she  wuz  in, 

Looked  warm  frum  floor  to  ceilin', 
An'  she  looked  full  ez  rosy  agin 

Ez  th'  apples  she  wuz  peelin'. 

She  heerd  a  foot  an'  knowed  it,  tu, 

Araspin'  on  the  scraper,  — 
All  ways  to  once  her  feelins  flew 

Like  sparks  in  burnt-up  paper. 

He  kin'  o'  1'itered  on  the  mat, 

Some  doubtfle  o'  the  seekle ; 
His  heart  kep'  goin'  pitypat, 

But  hern  went  pity  Zekle. 


SATIS  multis  sese  emptores  futures  libri  professis,  Georgius 
Nichols,  Cantabrigiensis,  opus  emittet  de  parte  gravi  sed  adhuc 
neglecta  historian  naturalis,  cum  titulo  sequent!,  videlicet : 

Conatus  ad  Delineationem  naturalem  nonnihil  perfectiorem  Scara 
bcei  Bombilatoris,  vulgo  dicti  HUMBUG,  ab  HOMEKO  WILBUR,  Arti 
um  Magistro,  Societatis  historico-naturalis  Jaalamensis  Praeside, 
(Secretario,  Socioque  (eheu ! )  singulo,)  multarumque  aliarum  So- 
cietatum  eruditarum  (sive  ineruditarum)  tarn  domestiearum  quam 
transmarinarum  Socio  —  forsitan  future. 

PEOEMIUM. 

LECTORI  BENEVOLO  S. 

Toga  scholastica  nondum  deposita,  quum  systemata  varia 
entomologica,  a  viris  ejus  scientiae  cultoribus  studiosissimis 
summa  diligentia  aedificata,  penitus  indagftssem,  non  fuit  quin 
luctuose  omnibus  in  iis,  quamvis  aliter  laude  dignissimis,  hiatum 
magni  momenti  perciperem.  Tune,  nescio  quo  motu  superiore 
impulsus,  aut  qua  captus  dulcedine  operis,  ad  eum  implendum 
(Curtius  alter)  me  solemniter  devovi.  Nee  ab  isto  labore, 
baipovias  imposito,  abstinui  antequam  tractatulum  sufficienter 
inconcinnum  lingua  vernacula  perfeceram.  Inde,  juveniliter  tu- 
mefactus,  et  barathro  ineptiae  T&V  /3tj3Xio7ro>Xa>i;  (necnon  "  Pub- 
lici  Legentis  " )  nusquam  explorato,  me  composuisse  quod  quasi 
placentas  prafervidas  (ut  sic  dicam)  homines  ingurgitarent  ere 


10 


didi.  Sed,  quum  huic  et  alii  bibliopolae  MSS.  mca  submi 
sissem  et  nihil  solidius  responsione  valde  negativa  in  Musseum 
meum  retulissem,  horror  ingens  atque  misericordia,  ob  crassi- 
tudinem  Lambevtianam  in  cerebris  homunculorum  istius  muneris 
coslesti  quadaro  ira  infixam,  me  invasere.  Extemplo  mei  solius 
impensis  librum  edere  decrevi,  nihil  omnino  dubitans  quin 
"  Mundus  Scientificus "  (ut  aiunt)  crumenam  meam  ampliter 
repleret.  Nullam,  attamen,  ex  agro  illo  meo  parvulo  segetem 
demessui,  prseter  gaudium  vacuum  bene  de  Republica  merendi. 
Iste  panis  meus  pretiosus  super  aquas  literarias  faeculentas 
prafidenter  jactus,  quasi  Harpyiarum  quarundam  (scilicet  bibli- 
opolarum  istorum  facinorosorum  supradictorum)  tactu  ranci- 
dus,  intra  perpaucos  dies  mihi  domum  rediit.  Et,  quum  ipse 
tali  victu  ali  non  tolerarem,  primum  in  mentem  venit  piston 
(typographo  nempe)  nihilominus  solvendum  esse.  Animum 
non  idcirco  dcmisi,  imo  seque  ac  pueri  naviculas  suas  penes  se. 
lino  retinent  (eo  ut  e  recto  cursu  delapsas  ad  ripam  retrahant), 
sic  ego  Argo  meam  chartaceam  fluctibus  laborantem  a  quae- 
situ  velleris  aurei,  ipse  potius  tonsus  pelleque  exutus,  mente 
solida  revocavi.  Metaphoram  ut  mutem,  boomarangam  meam  a 
scopo  aberrantem  retraxi,  dum  majore  vi,  occasione  ministrante, 
adversus  Fortunam  intorquerem.  Ast  mihi,  talia  volrenti,  et, 
sicut  Saturnus  ille  TraiSojSopoy,  liberos  intellectus  mei  depascere 
fidenti,  casus  miserandus,  nee  antea  inauditus,  supervenit.  Nam, 
ut  ferunt  Scythas  pietatis  causa  et  parsimonia?,  parentes  suos 
mortuos  devorasse,  sic  filius  hie  meus  primogenitus,  Scythis 
ipsis  minus  mansuetus,  patrem  vivum  totum  et  calcitrantem  ex- 
sorbere  enixus  est.  Nee  tamen  hac  de  causa  sobolem  meam 
esurientem  exheredavi.  Sed  famem  istam  pro  valido  testimonio 
virilitatis  roborisque  potius  habui,  cibumque  ad  earn  satiandam, 


11 


salva  paterna  mea  carne,  petii.  Et  quia  bilem  illam  scaturientem 
ad  ses  etiara  concoquendum  idoneam  esse  estimabam,  unde  aes 
alienum,  ut  minoris  pretii,  haberem,  circnmspexi.  Rebus  ita  se 
habentibus,  ab  avunculo  meo  Johanne  Doolittle,  Armigero,  impe- 
travi  ut  pecunias  necessarias  suppeditaret,  ne  opus  esset  mini  uni- 
versitatem  relinquendi  antequam  ad  gradum  primum  in  artibus 
pervenissem.  Tune  ego,  salvum  facere  patronum  meum  munifi- 
cum  maxime  cupiens,  omnes  libros  primse  editionis  operis  mei  non 
venditos  una  cum  privilegio  in  omne  sevum  ejusdem  imprimendi 
et  edendi  avunculo  meo  dicto  pigneravi.  Ex  illo  die,  atro  lapide 
notando,  curae  vociferantes  familise  singulis  annis  crescentis  eo 
usque  insultabant  ut  nunquam  tarn  carum  pignus  e  vinculis  istis 
aheneis  solvcre  possem. 

Avunculo  vero  nuper  mortuo,  quum  inter  alios  consanguineos 
testament!  ejus  lectionem  audiendi  causa  advenissem,  erectis  ami- 
bus  verba  talia  sequentia  accepi :  —  "  Quoniam  persuasum  habeo 
meum  dilectum  nepotem  Homerum,  longa  et  intima  rerum  angus- 
tarum  domi  experientia,  aptissimum  esse  qui  divitias  tueatur, 
beneficenterque  ac  prudenter  iis  divinis  creditis  utatur,  —  ergo, 
motus  hisce  cogitationibus,  exque  amore  meo  in  ilium  magno. 
do,  legoque  nepoti  caro  meo  supranominato  omnes  singularesque 
istas  possessiones  nee  ponderabiles  nee  computabiles  meas  quaa 
sequuntur,  scilicet :  quingentos  libros  quos  mihi  pigneravit  dictus 
Homerus,  anno  lucis  1792,  cum  privilegio  edendi  et  repetendi 
opus  istud  '  scientificum '  (quod  dicunt)  suum,  si  sic  elegerit. 
Tamen  D.  0.  M.  precor  oculos  Homeri  nepotis  mei  ita  aperiat 
eumque  moveat,  ut  libros  istos  in  bibliotheca  unius  e  plurimis  cas- 
tellis  suis  Hispaniensibus  tuto  abscondat." 

His  verbis  (vix  credibilibus)  auditis,  cor  meum  in  pectore  ex- 
sultavit.  Dcindc,  quoniam  tractatus  Anglice  scriptus  spem  auc- 


12 


toris  fefellerat,  quippe  quum  stadium  Historiae  Naturalis  in  Re- 
publica  nostra  inter  factionis  strepitum  languescat,  Latine  versum 
edere  statui,  et  eo  potius  quia  nescio  quomodo  disciplina  aeademi- 
ca  et  duo  diplomata  proficiant,  nisi  quod  peritos  linguarum  om- 
nino  mortuarum  (et  damnandarum,  ut  dicebat  iste  iravovpyos 
Gulielmus  Cobbett)  nos  faciant. 

Et  mihi  adhuc  superstes  est  tota  ilia  editio  prima,  quam  quasi 
crepitaculum  per  quod  dentes  caninos  dentibam  retineo. 


OPERIS   SPECIMEN. 
{Ad  exemplum  Johannis  Physiophili  speciminis  Monachologia.) 

12.  S.  B.    Militaris,  WILBUR.     Carnifex,  JABLONSK.    Profanus,  DESPONT. 

[Male  hancce  speciem  Cyclopem  Fabriciua  vocat,  ut  qui  singulo  oculo  ad 
quod  sui  interest  distinguitur.  Melius  vero  Isaacus  Outia  nullum  inter  S.  milit, 
S.que  Belzebul  (Fabric.  152)  discrimen  esse  defendit.] 

Habitat  civitat.  Americ.  austral. 

Aureia  lineis  splendidus;  plerumque  tamen  sordidua,  utpote  lanienaa  valde 
frequentana,  foetore  sanguinia  allectua.  Amat  quoque  insuper  septa  apricari, 
neque  inde,  nisi  maxima  conatione,  detruditur.  Candidatus  ergo  populariter 
vocatus.  Caput  cristam  quasi  pennarum  ostendit.  Pro  cibo  vaccam  publicam 
callide  mulget ;  abdomen  enorme ;  facultaa  suctus  baud  facile  estimanda.  Otio- 
sus,  fatuus ;  ferox  nihilominua,  semperque  dimicare  paratus.  Tortuose  repit. 

Capite  s?epe  maxima  cum  cura  diasecto,  ne  illud  rudimentum  etiam  cerebri 
commune  omnibus  prope  insectia  detegere  poteram. 

Unam  de  hoc  S.  milit.  rem  singularem  notavi ;  nam  S.  Guineena.  (Fabric. 
143)  servos  facit,  et  idcirco  a  multis  summa  in  reverentia  habitus,  quasi  scin 
tillas  ratioriis  pasne  humanae  demonstrans. 

24.  S.  B.     Criticus,  WILBUR.    Zoilus,  FABRIC.    Pygm&us,  CARLSEN. 

[Stultissime  Johannes  Stryx  cum  S.  punctato  (Fabric.  64  - 109)  confundit 
Specimina  quamplurima  scrutationi  microscopicae  subjeci,  nunquam  tamen 
unum  ulla  indicia  puncti  cujusvis  prorsus  ostendentem  inveni.] 

Prsecipue  formidolosus,  insectatusque,  in  proxima  rima  anonyma  sese  ab 
econdit,  we,  tee,  creberrime  stridena.  Ineptua,  segnipes. 

Habitat  ubique  gentium ;  in  aicco ;  nidum  suum  terebratione  indefessa  aedifi- 
tans.  Cibus.  Libroa  depascit;  siccos  praecipue  seligens,  et  forte  euccidum 


WASHINGTON,  D,  C, 

MELIB(E  US-HIPPONAX. 


I  THE 

i     I  o  to 


EDITED, 

WITH   AN  INTRODUCTION,  NOTES,  GLOSSARY, 
AND  COPIOUS  INDEX, 


BT 

HOMER    WILBUR,  A.  M., 

PASTOR    OF    THE   FIRST   CHURCH   IN   JAALAM,    AND    (PROSPECTIVE)    MEMBER    Of 
MANY   LITERARY,   LEARNED    AND    SCIENTIFIC    SOCIETIES, 

(for  which  seepage  v.) 


The  ploughman's  whistle,  or  the  trivial  flute, 
Finds  more  respect  than  great  Apollo's  lute. 

Quarles's  Emblems,  B.  n.  E.  8. 
Margaritas,  munde  porcine,  calcisti :  en,  siliquas  accipe. 

Jac.  Oar.  Fit.  ad  Pub.  Leg.  §  1. 


FIFTH     EDITION. 

BOSTON: 
TI  C  K  N  O  R   AND    F  I  E  I,  D  S  . 

M  DCCC  LXII. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  184b,  by 

JAMES  RUSSELL  LOWELL, 
in  the  Clerk's  office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


LOAN  STACK 


GIFT 


THE   BIGLOW  PAPERS 


968 


NOTE   TO  TITLE-PAGE. 


IT  will  not  have  escaped  the  attentive  eye,  that  I  have,  on  the 
title-page,  omitted  those  honorary  appendages  to  the  editorial 
name  which  not  only  add  greatly  to  the  value  of  every  book,  but 
whet  and  exacerbate  the  appetite  of  the  reader.  For  not  only 
does  he  surmise  that  an  honorary  membership  of  literary  and 
scientific  societies  implies  a  certain  amount  of  necessary  distinc 
tion  on  the  part  of  the  recipient  of  such  decorations,  but  he  is  wil 
ling  to  trust  himself  more  entirely  to  an  author  who  writes  under 
the  fearful  responsibility  of  involving  the  reputation  of  such  bodies 
as  the  S.  Archceol.  Dahom.^  or  the  A.cad.  Lit.  et  Sclent.  Kamtschat. 
I  cannot  but  think  that  the  early  editions  of  Shakspeare  and  Mil 
ton  would  have  met  with  more  rapid  and  general  acceptance,  but 
for  the  barrenness  of  their  respective  title-pages ;  and  I  believe, 
that,  even  now,  a  publisher  of  the  works  of  either  of  those  justly 
distinguished  men  would  find  his  account  in  procuring  their  ad 
mission  to  the  membership  of  learned  bodies  on  the  Continent,  — 
a  proceeding  no  whit  more  incongruous  than  the  reversal  of  the 
judgment  against  Socrates,  when  he  was  already  more  than 
twenty  centuries  beyond  the  reach  of  antidotes,  and  when  his 
6 


VI  NOTE    TO     TITLE-PAGE. 

memory  had  acquired  a  deserved  respectability.  I  conceive  that 
it  was  a  feeling  of  the  importance  of  this  precaution  which  in 
duced  Mr.  Locke  to  style  himself  "  Gent."  on  the  title-page  of  his 
Essay,  as  who  should  say  to  his  readers  that  they  could  receive 
his  metaphysics  on  the  honor  of  a  gentleman. 

Nevertheless,  finding,  that,  without  descending  to  a  smaller  si/e 
of  type  than  would  have  been  compatible  with  the  dignity  of  the 
several  societies  to  be  named,  I  could  not  compress  my  intended 
list  within  the  limits  of  a  single  page,  and  thinking,  moreover, 
that  the  act  would  carry  with  it  an  air  of  decorous  modesty,  I 
have  chosen  to  take  the  reader  aside,  as  it  were,  into  my  private 
closet,  and  there  not  only  exhibit  to  him  the  diplomas  which  I 
already  possess,  but  also  to  furnish  him  with  a  prophetic  vision  of 
those  which  I  may,  without  undue  presumption,  hope  for,  as  not 
beyond  the  reach  of  human  ambition  and  attainment.  And  I  am 
the  rather  induced  to  this  from  the  fact,  that  my  name  has  been 
unaccountably  dropped  from  the  last  triennial  catalogue  of  our 
beloved  Alma  Mater.  Whether  this  is  to  be  attributed  to  the 
difficulty  of  Latinizing  any  of  those  honorary  adjuncts  (with  a 
complete  list  of  which  I  took  care  to  furnish  the  proper  persons 
nearly  a  year  beforehand),  or  whether  it  had  its  origin  in  any  more 
culpable  motives,  I  forbear  to  consider  in  this  place,  the  matter  be 
ing  in  course  of  painful  investigation.  But,  however  this  may  be, 
I  felt  the  omission  the  more  keenly,  as  I  had,  in  expectation  of 
the  new  catalogue,  enriched  the  library  of  the  Jaalam  Athenreum 
with  the  old  one  then  in  my  possession,  by  which  means  it  has 
come  about  that  my  children  will  be  deprived  of  a  never-weary 
ing  winter-evening's  amusement  in  looking  out  the  name  of  their 
"varent  in  that  distinguished  roll.  Those  harmless  innocents  had 


NOTE    TO    TITLE-PAGE.  Vll 

at  least  committed  no but  I  forbear,  having  intrusted  my 

reflections  and  animadversions  on  this  painful  topic  to  the  safe 
keeping  of  my  private  diary,  intended  for  posthumous  publication. 
I  state  this  fact  here,  in  order  that  certain  nameless  individuals, 
who  are,  perhaps,  overmuch  congratulating  themselves  upon  my 
silence,  may  know  that  a  rod  is  in  pickle  which  the  vigorous 
hand  of  a  justly  incensed  posterity  will  apply  to  their  memories. 

The  careful  reader  will  note,  that,  in  the  list  which  I  have  pre 
pared,  I  have  included  the  names  of  several  Cisatlantic  societies 
to  which  a  place  is  not  commonly  assigned  in  processions  of  this 
nature.  I  have  ventured  to  do  this,  not  only  to  encourage  native 
ambition  and  genius,  but  also  because  I  have  never  been  able  to 
perceive  in  what  way  distance  (unless  we  suppose  them  at  the 
end  of  a  lever)  could  increase  the  weight  of  learned  bodies.  As 
far  as  I  have  been  able  to  extend  my  researches  among  such 
stuffed  specimens  as  occasionally  reach  America,  I  have  discovered 
no  generic  difference  between  the  antipodal  Fogrum  Japonicum 
and  the  F.  Americanum  sufficiently  common  in  our  own  immedi 
ate  neighbourhood.  Yet,  with  a  becoming  deference  to  the  popu 
lar  belief,  that  distinctions  of  this  sort  are  enhanced  in  value  by 
every  additional  mile  they  travel,  I  have  intermixed  the  names 
of  some  tolerably  distant  literary  and  other  associations  with 
the  rest. 

I  add  here,  also,  an  advertisement,  which,  that  it  may  be  the 
more  readily  understood  by  those  persons  especially  interested 
therein,  I  have  written  in  that  curtailed  and  otherwise  maltreated 
canine  Latin,  to  the  writing  and  reading  of  which  they  are  ac 
customed. 


Vlll  NOTE     TO    TITLE-PAGE. 


OMNIE.  PER  TOT.  ORB.  TERRAR.  CATALOG.  ACADEM.  EDD. 

Minim,  gent,  diplom.  ab  inclytiss.  acad.  vest,  orans,  vir.  hono 
rand,  operosiss.,  at  sol.  ut  sciat.  quant,  glor.  nom.  meum  fdipl.  fort 
concess.)  catal.  vest.  temp,  futur.  affer.,  ill.  subjec.,  addit.  oinnib. 
titul.  honorar.  qu.  adh.  non  tant.  opt.  quam  probab.  put. 

%*  Litt.  Uncial  distinx.  ut  Frees.  S.  Hist.  Nat.  Jaal 

HOMERUS  WILBUR,  Mr.,  Episc.  Jaalam.  S.  T.  D.  1850,  et 
Yal.  1849,  et  Neo-Caes.  et  Bran,  et  Gulielm.  1852,  et  Gul.  et  Mar. 
et  Bowd.  et  Georgiop.  et  Viridimont.  et  Columb.  Nov.  Ebor. 
1853,  et  Amherst.  et  Watervill.  et  S.  Jarlath.  Hib.  et  S.  Mar.  et 
S.  Joseph,  et  S.  And.  Scot.  1854,  et  Nashvill.  et  Dart,  et  Dickins. 
et  Concord,  et  Wash,  et  Columbian,  et  Chariest,  et  Jeff,  et  Dubl. 
et  Oxon.  et  Cantab,  et  cast.  1855,  P.  U.  N.  C.  H.  et  J.  U.  D. 
Gott.  et  Osnab.  et  Heidelb.  1860,  et  Acad.  BORE  us.  Berolin.  Soc. 
et  SS.  RR.  Lugd.  Bat.  et  Patav.  et  Lond.  et  Edinb.  et  Ins.  Feejee. 
et  Null.  Terr,  et  Pekin.  Soc.  Hon.  et  S.  H.  S.  et  S.  P.  A.  et  A.  A.  S. 
et  S.  Humb.  Univ.  et  S.  Omn.  Rer.  Quarund.  q.  Aliar.  Promov. 
Passamaquod.  et  H.  P.  C.  et  I.  0.  H.  et  A.  A.  <I>.  et  II.  K.  P.  et 
<£.  B.  K.  et  Peucin.  et  Erosoph.  et  Philadelph.  et  Frat.  in  Unit,  et 
2.  T.  et  S.  Archasolog.  Athen.  et  Acad.  Scient.  et  Lit.  Panorm.  et 
SS.  R.  H.  Matrit.  et  Beeloochist  et  Caffrar.  et  Caribb.  et  M.  S. 
Reg.  Paris,  et  S.  Am.  Antiserv.  Soc.  Hon.  et  P.  D.  Gott.  et 
LL.  D,  1852,  et  D.  C.  L.  et  Mus.  Doc.  Oxon.  1860,  et  M.  M.  S.  S. 
et  M.  D.  1854,  et  Med.  Fac.  Univ.  Harv.  Soc.  et  S.  pro  Convers. 
Pollywog.  Soc.  Hon.  et  Higgl.  Piggl.  et  LL.  B.  1853,  et  S.  pro 
Ohristianiz.  Moschet.  Soc.,  et  SS.  Ante-Diluv.  ubiq.  Gent.  Soc. 
Hon.  et  Civit.  Cleric.  Jaalam.  et  S.  pro  Diffus.  General.  Tenebr. 
Secret.  Corr. 


INTRODUCTION. 


WHEN,  more  than  three  years  ago,  my  talented 
young  parishioner,  Mr.  Biglow,  came  to  me  and 
submitted  to  my  animadversions  the  first  of  his 
poems  which  he  intended  to  commit  to  the  more 
hazardous  trial  of  a  city  newspaper,  it  never  so 
much  as  entered  my  imagination  to  conceive 
that  his  productions  would  ever  be  gathered  into 
a  fair  volume,  and  ushered  into  the  august  pres 
ence  of  the  reading  public  by  myself.  So  little 
are  we  short-sighted  mortals  able  to  predict  the 
event !  I  confess  that  there  is  to  me  a  quite  new 
satisfaction  in  being  associated  (though  only  as 
sleeping  partner)  in  a  book  which  can  stand  by 
itself  in  an  independent  unity  on  the  shelves  of 


* 

X  INTRODUCTION. 

libraries.  For  there  is  always  this  drawback 
from  the  pleasure  of  printing  a  sermon,  that, 
whereas  the  queasy  stomach  of  this  generation 
will  not  bear  a  discourse  long  enough  to  make  a 
separate  volume,  those  religious  and  godly-minded 
children  (those  Samuels,  if  I  may  call  them  so) 
of  the  brain  must  at  first  lie  buried  in  an  undis 
tinguished  heap,  and  then  get  such  resurrection 
as  is  vouchsafed  to  them,  mummy-wrapt  with  a 
score  of  others  in  a  cheap  binding,  with  no  other 
mark  of  distinction  than  the  word  "Miscella 
neous  "  printed  upon  the  back.  Far  be  it  from 
me  to  claim  any  credit  for  the  quite  unexpected 
popularity  which  I  am  pleased  to  find  these 
bucolic  strains  have  attained  unto.  If  I  know 
myself,  I  am  measurably  free  from  the  itch  of 
vanity ;  yet  I  may  be  allowed  to  say  that  I  was 
not  backward  to  recognize  in  them  a  certain 
wild,  puckery,  acidulous  (sometimes  even  verg 
ing  toward  that  point  which,  in  our  rustic 
phrase,  is  termed  shut-eye]  flavor,  not  wholly 


INTRODUCTION.  XI 

unpleasing,  nor  unwholesome,  to  palates  cloyed 
with  the  sugariness  of  tamed  and  cultivated 
fruit.  It  may  be,  also,  that  some  touches  of 
my  own,  here  and  there,  may  have  led  to  their 
wider  acceptance,  albeit  solely  from  my  larger 
experience  of  literature  and  authorship.* 

I  was,  at  first,  inclined  to  discourage  Mr.  Big 
low's  attempts,  as  knowing  that  the  desire  to 
poetize  is  one  of  the  diseases  naturally  incident 
to  adolescence,  which,  if  the  fitting  remedies  be 
not  at  once  and  with  a  bold  hand  applied,  may 
become  chronic,  and  render  one,  who  might  else 
have  become  in  due  time  an  ornament  of  the 
social  circle,  a  painful  object  even  to  nearest 
'  friends  and  relatives.  But  thinking,  on  a  further 
experience,  that  there  was  a  germ  of  promise  in 


*  The  reader  curious  in  such  matters  may  refer  (if  he  can  find 
them)  to  "  A  Sermon  preached  on  the  Anniversary  of  the  Dark 
Day,"  "  An  Artillery  Election  Sermon,"  "  A  Discourse  on  the  Late 
Eclipse,"  "  Dorcas,  a  Funeral  Sermon  on  the  Death  of  Madam 
Submit  Tidd,  Relict  of  the  late  Experience  Tidd,  Esq.,"  &c.,  &c. 


Xll  INTRODUCTION. 


him  which  required  only  culture  and  the  pulling 
up  of  weeds  from  around  it,  I  thought  it  best  to 
set  before  him  the  acknowledged  examples  of 
English  compositions  in  verse,  and  leave  the  rest 
to  natural  emulation.  With  this  view,  I  accord 
ingly  lent  him  some  volumes  of  Pope  and  Gold 
smith,  to  the  assiduous  study  of  which  he  prom 
ised  to  devote  his  evenings.  Not  long  afterward, 
he  brought  me  some  verses  written  upon  that 
model,  a  specimen  of  which  I  subjoin,  having 
changed  some  phrases  of  less  elegancy,  and  a 
few  rhymes  objectionable  to  the  cultivated  ear. 
The  poem  consisted  of  childish  reminiscences, 
and  the  sketches  which  follow  will  not  seem 
destitute  of  truth  to  those  whose  fortunate  edu 
cation  began  in  a  country  village.  And,  first,  let 
us  hang  up  his  charcoal  portrait  of  the  school- 
dame. 


"  Propt  on  the  marsh,  a  dwelling  now,  I  see 
The  humble  school-house  of  my  A,  B,  C, 


INTRODUCTION.  Xlll 

Where  well-drilled  urchins,  eac&  behind  his  tire, 
"Waited  in  ranks  the  wished  command  to  fire, 
Then  all  together,  when  the  signal  came, 
Discharged  their  a-b  abs  against  the  dame, 
Who,  'mid  the  volleyed  learning,  firm  and  calm, 
Patted  the  furloughed  ferule  on  her  palm, 
And,  to  our  wonder,  could  detect  at  once 
Who  flashed  the  pan,  and  who  was  downright  dunce 

There  young  Devotion  learned  to  climb  with  ease 
The  gnarly  limbs  of  Scripture  family-trees, 
And  he  was  most  commended  and  admired 
Who  soonest  to  the  topmost  twig  perspired ; 
Each  name  was  called  as  many  various  ways 
As  pleased  the  reader's  ear  on  different  days, 
So  that  the  weather,  or  the  ferule's  stings, 
Colds  in  the  head,  or  fifty  other  things, 
Transformed  the  helpless  Hebrew  thrice  a  week 
To  guttural  Pequot  or  resounding  Greek, 
The  vibrant  accent  skipping  here  and  there, 
Just  as  it  pleased  invention  or  despair ; 
No  controversial  Hebraist  was  the  Dame  ; 
With  or  without  the  points  pleased  her  the  same  •, 
If  any  tyro  found  a  name  too  tough, 
And  looked  at  her,  pride  furnished  skill  enough  ; 
She  nerved  her  larynx  for  the  desperate  thing, 
And  cleared  the  five-barred  syllables  at  a  spring. 

Ah,  dear  old  times !  there  once  it  was  my  hap, 
Perched  on  a  stool,  to  wear  the  long-eared  cap  ; 


Xl>  INTRODUCTION. 

From  books  degraded,  there  I  sat  at  ease, 
A  drone,  the  envy  of  compulsory  bees." 

I  add  only  one  further  extract,  which  will 
possess  a  melancholy  interest  to  all  such  as  have 
endeavoured  to  glean  the  materials  of  Revolu 
tionary  history  from  the  lips  of  aged  persons, 
who  took  a  part  in  the  actual  making  of  it,  and, 
finding  the  manufacture  profitable,  continued 
the  supply  in  an  adequate  proportion  to  the 
demand. 

"  Old  Joe  is  gone,  who  saw  hot  Percy  goad 
His  slow  artillery  up  the  Concord  road, 
A  tale  which  grew  in  wonder,  year  by  year, 
As,  every  time  he  told  it,  Joe  drew  near 
To  the  main  fight,  till,  faded  and  grown  gray, 
The  original  scene  to  bolder  tints  gave  way; 
Then  Joe  had  heard  the  foe's  scared  double-quick 
Beat  on  stove  drum  with  one  uncaptured  stick, 
And,  ere  death  came  the  lengthening  tale  to  lop, 
Himself  had  fired,  and  seen  a  red-coat  drop ; 
Had  Joe  lived  long  enough,  that  scrambling  fight 
Had  squared  more  nearly  to  his  sense  of  right, 
And  vanquished  Percy,  to  complete  the  tale, 
Had. hammered  stone  for  life  in  Concord  jail." 


INTRODUCTION.  XV 

1  do  not  know  that  the  foregoing  extracts 
ought  not  to  be  called  my  own  rather  than 
Mr.  Biglow's,  as,  indeed,  he  maintained  stoutly 
that  my  file  had  left  nothing  of  his  in  them.  I 
should  not,  perhaps,  have  felt  entitled  to  take  so 
great  liberties  with  them,  had  I  not  more  than 
suspected  an  hereditary  vein  of  poetry  in  myself, 
a  very  near  ancestor  having  written  a  Latin 
poem  in  the  Harvard  Gratulatio  on  the  accession 
of  George  the  Third.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that, 
whether  not  satisfied  with  such  limited  approba 
tion  as  I  could  conscientiously  bestow,  or  from  a 
sense  of  natural  inaptitude,  I  know  not,  certain 
it  is  that  my  young  friend  could  never  be  in 
duced  to  any  further  essays  in  this  kind.  He 
affirmed  that  it  was  to  him  like  writing  in  a 
foreign  tongue,  —  that  Mr.  Pope's  versification 
was  like  the  regular  ticking  of  one  of  Willard's 
clocks,  in  which  one  could  fancy,  after  long 
listening,  a  certain  kind  of  rhythm  or  tune,  but 
which  yet  was  only  a  poverty-stricken  tick,  tick 


XVI  INTRODUCTION. 

after  all,  —  and  that  he  had  never  seen  a  sweet- 
water  on  a  trellis  growing  so  fairly,  or  in  forms 
so  pleasing  to  his  eye,  as  a  fox-grape  over  a  scrub- 
oak  in  a  swamp.  He  added  I  know  not  what, 
to  the  effect  that  the  sweet-water  would  only  be 
the  more  disfigured  by  having  its  leaves  starched 
and  ironed  out,  and  that  Pegasus  (so  he  called 
him)  hardly  looked  right  with  his  mane  and  tail 
in  curl-papers.  These  and  other  such  opinions 
I  did  not  long  strive  to  eradicate,  attributing 
them  rather  to  a  defective  education  and  senses 
untuned  by  too  long  familiarity  with  purely 
natural  objects,  than  to  a  perverted  moral  sense. 
I  was  the  more  inclined  to  this  leniency  since 
sufficient  evidence  was  not  to  seek,  that  his 
verses,  as  wanting  as  they  certainly  were  in 
classic  polish  and  point,  had  somehow  taken  hold 
of  the  public  ear  in  a  surprising  manner.  So, 
only  setting  him  right  as  to  the  quantity  of  the 
proper  name  Pegasus,  I  left  him  to  follow  the 
bent  of  his  natural  genius. 


INTRODUCTION.  XV11 

There  are  two  things  upon  which  it  would 
seem  fitting  to  dilate  somewhat  more  largely 
in  this  place,  —  the  Yankee  character  and  the 
Yankee  dialect.  And,  first,  of  the  Yankee  char 
acter,  which  has  wanted  neither  open  maligners, 
nor  even  more  dangerous  enemies  in  the  persons 
of  those  unskilful  painters  who  have  given  to 
it  that  hardness,  angularity,  and  want  of  proper 
perspective,  which,  in  truth,  belonged,  not  to 
their  subject,  but  to  their  own  niggard  and  un 
skilful  pencil. 

New  England  was  not  so  much  the  colony  of 
a  mother  country,  as  a  Hagar  driven  forth  in 
to  the  wilderness.  The  little  self-exiled  band 
which  came  hither  in  1620  came,  not  to  seek 
gold,  but  to  found  a  democracy.  They  came 
that  they  might  have  the  privilege  to  work  arid 
pray,  to  sit  upon  hard  benches  and  listen  to 
painful  preachers  as  long  as  they  would,  yea, 
even  unto  thirty-seventhly,  if  the  spirit  so  willed 
it.  And  s^.r^lv.  if  thn  Greok  rrn'^ht  boast  nis 


XV111  INTRODUCTION. 

Thermopylae,  where  three  hundred  men  fell  in  re 
sisting  the  Persian,  we  may  well  be  proud  of  our 
Plymouth  Rock,  where  a  handful  of  men,  women, 
and  children  not  merely  faced,  but  vanquish 
ed,  winter,  famine,  the  wilderness,  and  the  yet 
more  invincible  storge  that  drew  them  back  to 
the  green  island  far  away.  These  found  no  lotus 
growing  upon  the  surly  shore,  the  taste  of  which 
could  make  them  forget  their  little  native  Ithaca  ; 
nor  were  they  so  wanting  to  themselves  in  faith 
as  to  burn  their  ship,  but  could  see  the  fair  west 
wind  belly  the  homeward  sail,  and  then  turn  un- 
repining  to  grapple  with  the  terrible  Unknown. 

As  Want  was  the  prime  foe  these  hardy  exo- 
dists  had  to  fortress  themselves  against,  so  it  is 
little  wonder  if  that  traditional  feud  is  long  in 
wearing  out  of  the  stock.  The  wounds  of  the 
old  warfare  were  long  ahealing,  and  an  east  wind 
of  hard  times  puts  a  new  ache  in  every  one  of 
them.  Thrift  was  the  first  lesson  in  their  horn- 
Dook,  pointed  out,  letter  after  letter,  by  the  lean 


INTRODUCTION.  XIX 

finger  of  the  hard  schoolmaster,  Necessity.  Nei 
ther  were  those  plump,  rosy-gilled  Englishmen 
that  came  hither,  but  a  hard-faced,  atrabilious, 
earnest-eyed  race,  stiff  from  long  wrestling  with 
the  Lord  in  prayer,  and  who  had  taught  Satan  to 
dread  the  new  Puritan  hug.  Add  two  hundred 
years'  influence  of  soil,  climate,  and  exposure, 
with  its  necessary  result  of  idiosyncrasies,  and 
we  have  the  present  Yankee,  full  of  expedients, 
half-master  of  all  trades,  inventive  in  all  but  the 
beautiful,  full  of  shifts,  not  yet  capable  of  com 
fort,  armed  at  all  points  against  the  old  enemy 
Hunger,  longanimous,  good  at  patching,  not  so 
careful  for  what  is  best  as  for  what  will  c?o,  with 
a  clasp  to  his  purse  and  a  button  to  his  pocket, 
not  skilled  to  build  against  Time,  as  in  old  coun 
tries,  but  against  sore-pressing  Need,  accustomed 
to  move  the  world  with  no  TTOU  O-TW  but  his  own 
two  feet,  and  no  lever  but  his  own  long  forecast. 
A  strange  hybrid,  indeed,  did  circumstance  beget, 
here  in  the  New  World,  upon  the  old  Purl- 


XX  INTRODUCTION. 

tan  stock,  and  the  earth  never  before  saw  such 
mystic-practicalism,  such  niggard-geniality,  such 
calculating-fanaticism,  such  cast-iron-enthusiasm, 
such  unwilling-humor,  such  close-fisted-generosi 
ty.  This  new  Grceculus  esuriens  will  make  a 
living  out  of  any  thing.  He  will  invent  new 
trades  as  well  as  tools.  His  brain  is  his  capital, 
and  he  will  get  education  at  all  risks.  Put  him 
on  Juan  Fernandez,  and  he  would  make  a  spell 
ing-book  first,  and  a  salt-pan  afterward.  In 
coelum,jusseris,  ibit,  —  or  the  other  way  either, — 
it  is  all  one,  so  any  thing  is  to  be  got  by  it.  Yet, 
after  all,  thin,  speculative  Jonathan  is  more  like 
the  Englishman  of  two  centuries  ago  than  John 
Bull  himself  is.  He  has  lost  somewhat  in  solid 
ity,  has  become  fluent  and  adaptable,  but  more 
of  the  original  groundwork  of  character  remains. 
He  feels  more  at  home  with  Fulke  Greville, 
Herbert  of  Cherbury,  Gluarles,  George  Herbert, 
and  Browne,  than  with  his  modern  English 
cousins.  He  is  nearer  than  John,  by  at  least  a 


INTRODUCTION.  XXI 

hundred  years,  to  Naseby,  Marston  Moor,  Worces 
ter,  and  the  time  when,  if  ever,  there  were  true 
Englishmen.  John  Bull  has  suffered  the  idea 
of  the  Invisible  to  be  very  much  fattened  out  of 
him.  Jonathan  is  conscious  still  that  he  lives  in 
the  world  of  the  Unseen  as  well  as  of  the  Seen. 
To  move  John,  you  must  make  your  fulcrum 
of  solid  beef  and  pudding  ;  an  abstract  idea  will 
do  for  Jonathan. 


***TO  THE  INDULGENT  HEADER. 

MY  friend,  the  Reverend  Mr.  Wilbur,  having  been  seized  with  a 
dangerous  fit  of  illness,  before  this  Introduction  had  passed  through 
the  press,  and  being  incapacitated  for  all  literary  exertion,  sent  to 
me  his  notes,  memoranda,  &c.,  and  requested  me  to  fashion  them 
into  some  shape  more  fitting  for  the  general  eye.  This,  owing  to 
the  fragmentary  and  disjointed  state  of  his  manuscripts,  I  have 
felt  wholly  unable  to  do;  yet,  being  unwilling  that  the  reader 
should  be  deprived  of  such  parts  of  his  lucubrations  as  seemed 
more  finished,  and  not  well  discerning  how  to  segregate  these 
from  the  rest,  I  have  concluded  to  send  them  all  to  the  press  pre 
cisely  as  they  are. 

COLUMBUS  NTE,  Pastor  of  a  Church  in  Bungtown  Corner. 


XX11  INTRODUCTION 


IT  remains  to  speak  of  the  Yankee  dialect.  And, 
first,  it  may  be  premised,  in  a  general  way,  that  any  one 
much  read  in  the  writings  of  the  early  colonists  need 
not  be  told  that  the  far  greater  share  of  the  words  and 
phrases  now  esteemed  peculiar  to  New  England,  and 
local  there,  were  brought  from  the  mother  country.  A 
person  familiar  with  the  dialect  of  certain  portions  of 
Massachusetts  will  not  fail  to  recognize,  in  ordinary 
discourse,  many  words  now  noted  in  English  vocabula 
ries  as  archaic,  the  greater  part  of  which  were  in  com 
mon  use  about  the  time  of  the  King  James  translation 
of  the  Bible.  Shakspeare  stands  less  in  need  of  a  glos 
sary  to  most  New  Englanders  than  to  many  a  native 
of  the  Old  Country.  The  peculiarities  of  our  speech, 
however,  are  rapidly  wearing  out.  As  there  is  no  coun 
try  where  reading  is  so  universal  and  newspapers  are 
so  multitudinous,  so  no  phrase  remains  long  local,  but  is 
transplanted  in  the  mail-bags  to  every  remotest  corner 
of  the  land.  Consequently  our  dialect  approaches 
nearer  to  uniformity  than  that  of  any  other  nation. 

The  English  have  complained  of  us  for  coining  new 
words.  Many  of  those  so  stigmatized  were  old  ones 
by  them  forgotten,  and  all  make  now  an  unquestioned 
part  of  the  currency,  wherever  English  is  spoken. 


INTRODUCTION.  XXIU 

Undoubtedly,  we  have  a  right  to  make  new  words,  as 
they  are  needed  by  the  fresh  aspects  under  which  life 
presents  itself  here  in  the  New  World  ;  and,  indeed, 
wherever  a  language  is  alive,  it  grows.  It  might  be 
questioned  whether  we  could  not  establish  a  stronger 
title  to  the  ownership  of  the  English  tongue  than  the 
mother-islanders  themselves.  Here,  past  all  question, 
is  to  be  its  great  home  and  centre.  And  not  only  is  it 
already  spoken  here  by  greater  numbers,  but  with  a  far 
higher  popular  average  of  correctness,  than  in  Britain. 
The  great  writers  of  it,  too,  we  might  claim  as  ours, 
were  ownership  to  be  settled  by  the  number  of  readers 
and  lovers. 

As  regards  the  provincialisms  to  be  met  with  in  this 
volume,  I  may  say  that  the  reader  will  not  find  one 
which  is  not  (as  I  believe)  either  native  or  imported 
with  the  early  settlers,  nor  one  which  I  have  not,  with 
my  own  ears,  heard  in  familiar  use.  In  the  metrical 
portion  of  the  book,  I  have  endeavoured  to  adapt  the 
spelling  as  nearly  as  possible  to  the  ordinary  mode  of 
pronunciation.  Let  the  reader  who  deems  me  over 
particular  remember  this  caution  of  Martial :  — 

"  Quern  reeitas,  meus  est,  0  Fidentine,  libellus  ; 
Sed  male  cum  recitas,  incipit  esse  tuus" 


XXIV  INTRODUCTION. 

A  few  further  explanatory  remarks  will  not  be  imper 
tinent. 

I  shall  barely  lay  down  a  few  general  rules  for  the 
reader's  guidance. 

1.  The  genuine  Yankee  never  gives  the  rough  sound 
to  the  r  when  he  can  help  it,  and  often  displays  consid 
erable  ingenuity  in  avoiding  it  even  before  a  vowel. 

2.  He  seldom  sounds  the   final   g,  a  piece  of  self- 
denial,  if  we  consider  his  partiality  for  nasals.     The 
same  of  the  final  d,  as  liari*  and  stan1  for  hand  and 


3.  The  h  in  such  words  as  while,  when,  where,  he 
omits  altogether. 

4.  In   regard   to   a,   he   shows   some   inconsistency, 
sometimes  giving  a  close  and  obscure  sound,  as  hev  for 
have,  hendy  for  handy,  ez  for  as,  thet  for  that,  and  again 
giving  it  the  broad  sound  it  has  in  father,  as  hansome  for 
handsome. 

5.  To  the  sound  ou  he  prefixes  an  e  (hard  to  exem 
plify  otherwise  than  orally). 

The  following  passage  in  Shakspeare  he  would  recite 
thus :  — 

"  Neow  is  the  winta  uv  eour  discontent 
Med  glorious  summa  by  this  sun  o'  Yock, 
An'  all  the  cleouds  thet  leowered  upun  eour  heouse 
In  the  deep  buzzum  o'  the  oshin  buried ; 


INTRODUCTION.  XXV 


Neow  air  eour  breows  beound  'ith  victorious  wreaths ; 
Eour  breused  arms  hung  up  fer  monimunce  ; 
Eour  starn  alarums  changed  to  merry  meetins, 
Eour  dreffle  marches  to  delightful  measures. 
Grim-visaged  war  heth  smcuthed  his  wrinkled  front, 
An'  neoAv,  instid  o'  mountin'  barebid  steeds 
To  fright  the  souls  o'  ferfle  edverseries, 
He  capers  nimly  in  a  lady's  chamber, 
To  the  lascivious  pleasin'  uv  a  loot." 

6  Au,  in  such  words  as  daughter  and  slaughter,  he 
pronounces  ah. 

7.  To  the  dish  thus  seasoned  add  a  drawl  ad  libitum. 

[Mr.  Wilbur's  notes  here  become  entirely  fragmentary.  —  C.  N.] 

a.  Unable  to  procure  a  likeness  of  Mr.  Biglow,  I 
thought  the  curious  reader  might  be  gratified  with  a 
sight  of  the  editorial  effigies.  And  here  a  choice  be 
tween  two  was  offered,  —  the  one  a  profile  (entirely 
black)  cut  by  Doyle,  the  other  a  portrait  painted  by  a 
native  artist  of  much  promise.  The  first  of  these 
seemed  wanting  in  expression,  and  in  the  second  a 
slight  obliquity  of  the  visual  organs  has  been  heightened 
(perhaps  from  an  over-desire  of  force  on  the  part  of  the 
artist)  into  too  close  an  approach  to  actual  strabismus. 
This  slight  divergence  in  my  optical  apparatus  from  the 
ordinary  model  —  however  I  may  have  been  taught  to 
regard  it  in  the  light  of  a  mercy  rather  than  a  cross, 


INTRODUCTION. 

since  it  enabled  me  to  give  as  much  of  directness  ana 
personal  application  to  my  discourses  as  met  the  wants 
of  my  congregation,  without  risk  of  offending  any  by 
being  supposed  to  have  him  or  her  in  my  eye  (as  the 
saying  is)  —  seemed  yet  to  Mrs.  Wilbur  a  sufficient  ob 
jection  to  the  engraving  of  the  aforesaid  painting.  We 
read  of  many  who  either  absolutely  refused  to  allow  the 
copying  of  their  features,  as  especially  did  Plotinus  and 
Agesilaus  among  the  ancients,  not  to  mention  the  more 
modern  instances  of  Scioppius  Palseottus,  Pinellus, 
Velserus,  Gataker,  and  others,  or  were  indifferent  there 
to,  as  Cromwell. 

/3.  Yet  was  Caesar  desirous  of  concealing  his  baldness. 
Per  contra^  my  Lord  Protector's  carefulness  in  the 
matter  of  his  wart  might  be  cited.  Men  generally 
more  desirous  of  being  improved  in  their  portraits  than 
characters.  Shall  probably  find  very  unflattered  like 
nesses  of  ourselves  in  Recording  Angel's  gallery. 

y.  Whether  any  of  our  national  peculiarities  may  be 
traced  to  our  use  of  stoves,  as  a  certain  closeness  of  the 
lips  in  pronunciation,  and  a  smothered  smoulderingness 
of  disposition,  seldom  roused  to  open  flame  ?  An  un 
restrained  intercourse  with  fire  probably  conducive  to 
generosity  and  hospitality  of  soul.  "Ancient  Mexicans 


INTRODUCTION.  XXV11 

used  stoves,  as  the  friar  Augustin  Ruiz  reports,  Hakluyt, 
III.,  468, — but  Popish  priests  not  always  reliable  au 
thority. 

To-day  picked  my  Isabella  grapes.  Crop  injured  by 
attacks  of  rose-bug  in  the  spring.  Whether  Noah  was 
justifiable  in  preserving  this  class  of  insects  ? 

8.  Concerning  Mr.  Biglow's  pedigree.  Tolerably 
certain  that  there  was  never  a  poet  among  his  ancestors. 
An  ordination  hymn  attributed  to  a  maternal  uncle,  but 
perhaps  a  sort  of  production  not  demanding  the  creative 
faculty. 

His  grandfather  a  painter  of  the  grandiose  or  Michael 
Angelo  school.  Seldom  painted  objects  smaller  than 
houses  or  barns,  and  these  with  uncommon  expression. 

e.  Of  the  Wilburs  no  complete  pedigree.  The  crest 
said  to  be  a  wild  boar,  whence,  perhaps,  the  name.  (?) 
A  connection  with  the  Earls  of  Wilbraham  (quasi  wild 
boar  ham)  might  be  made  out.  This  suggestion  worth 

following  up.     In  1677,  John  W.  m.  Expect ,  had 

issue,  1.  John,  2.  Haggai,  3.  Expect,  4.  Ruhamah, 
5.  Desire. 

"  Hear  lyes  ye  bodye  of  Mrs  Expect  Wilber, 
Ye  crewell  salvages  they  kil'd  her 


XXV111  INTRODUCTION. 


Together  wth  other  Christian  soles  eleaven, 

October  ye  ix  daye,  1707. 

Ye  stream  of  Jordan  sh'  as  crost  ore 

And  now  expeacts  me  on  ye  other  shore  :  - 

I  live  in  hope  her  soon  to  join ; 

Her  earthlye  yeeres  were  forty  and  nine." 

From  Gravestone  in  Pekussett,  North  Parish. 


This  is  unquestionably  the  same  John  who  afterward 
(1711)  married  Tabitha  Hagg  or  Ragg. 

But  if  this  were  the  case,  she  seems  to  have  died 
early;  for  only  three  years  after,  namely,  1714,  we 
have  evidence  that  he  married  Winifred,  daughter  of 
Lieutenant  Tipping. 

He  seems  to  have  been  a  man  of  substance,  for  we 
find  him  in  1696  conveying  "  one  undivided  eightieth 
part  of  a  salt-meadow  "  in  Yabbok,  and  he  command 
ed  a  sloop  in  1702. 

Those  who  doubt  the  importance  of  genealogical 
studies  fuste  potius  quam  argumento  erudiendi. 

I  trace  him  as  far  as  1723,  and  there  lose  him.  In 
that  year  he  was  chosen  selectman. 

No  gravestone.  Perhaps  overthrown  when  new 
hearse-house  was  built,  1802. 

He  was  probably  the  son  of  John,  who  came  from 
Bilham  Comit.  Salop,  circa  1642. 

This  first  John  was  a  man  of  considerable  importance, 


INTRODUCTION.  XXIX 

being  twice  mentioned  with  the  honorable  prefix  of  Mr. 
in  the  town  records.     Name  spelt  with  two  Z-s. 

"  Hear  lyeth  ye  bod  [stone  unhappily  broken.] 
Mr.  Ihon  Willber  [Esq.]     [7"  inclose  this    in    brackets  as 
doubtful.     To  me  it  seems  clear.} 

Ob't  die  [illegible;  looks  like  xviii.] iii  [prob.  1693.] 

paynt 

deseased  seinte : 

A  friend  and  [fath]er  untoe  all  y8  opreast, 
Hee  gave  ye  wicked  familists  noe  reast, 
When  Sat[an  bljewe  his  Antinomian  Waste, 
Wee  clong  to  [Willber  as  a  steadf  ]ast  maste. 
[A]gaynst  ye  horrid  Qua[kers] 

It  is  greatly  to  be  lamented  that  this  curious  epitaph 
is  mutilated.  It  is  said  that  the  sacrilegious  British  sol 
diers  made  a  target  of  this  stone  during  the  war  of  In 
dependence.  How  odious  an  animosity  which  pauses 
not  at  the  grave  !  How  brutal  that  which  spares  not 
the  monuments  of  authentic  history !  This  is  not  im 
probably  from  the  pen  of  Rev.  Moody  Pyram,  who  is 
mentioned  by  Hubbard  as  having  been  noted  for  a  silver 
vein  of  poetry.  If  his  papers  be  still  extant,  a  copy 
might  possibly  be  recovered. 


CONTENTS. 


Pag* 
No.  I.  —  A  Letter  from  Mr.  Ezekiel  Biglow  of  Jaalam  to 

the  Hon.  Joseph  T.  Buckingham,  Editor  of  the  Bos 
ton  Courier,  inclosing  a  Poem  of  his  Son,  Mr.  Hosea 
Biglow, 1 

No.  II.  —  A  Letter  from  Mr.  Hosea  Biglow  to  the  Hon.  J. 
T.  Buckingham.  Editor  of  the  Boston  Courier,  covering 
a  Letter  from  Mr.  B.  Sawin,  Private  in  the  Massachu 
setts  Eegiment, 13 

No.  III.  —  What  Mr.  Robinson  thinks,          .  .      32 

No.  IV.  —  Remarks  of  Increase  D.  O'Phace,  Esquire,  at  an 
Extrumpery  Caucus  in  State  Street,  reported  by  Mr.  H. 
Biglow, 45 

* . 

No.  V.  —  The  Debate  in  the  Sennit.    Sot  to  a  Nusry  Khyme,      63 
No.  VI.  — The  Pious  Editor's  Creed, 73 


XXX11  CONTENTS. 

No.  VII.  —  A  Letter  from  a  Candidate  for  the  Presidency  in 
Answer  to  suttin  Questions  proposed  by  Mr.  Hosea  Big- 
low,  inclosed  in  a  Note  from  Mr.  Biglow  to  S.  H.  Gay, 
Esq.,  Editor  of  the  National  Anti-slavery  Standard,  .  84 

No.  VIIL  —  A  Second  Letter  from  B.  Sawin,  Esq.,     .        .      97 
No.  IX.  —  A  Third  Letter  from  B.  Sawin,  Esq.,  .        .120 


GLOSSABT, •       •        •        .143 

INDEX, '^9 


THE   BIGLOW  PAPERS. 

No.  I. 
A    LETTER 

FROM  MR.  EZEKIEL  BIGLOW  OF  JAALAM  TO  THE  HON. 
JOSEPH  T.  BUCKINGHAM,  EDITOR  OF  THE  BOSTON 
COURIER,  INCLOSING  A  POEM  OF  HIS  SON,  MR.  HOSEA 
BIGLOW. 

JATLEM,  June  1846. 

MISTER  EDDYTER:  —  Our  Hosea  wuz  down  to  Boston 
last  week,  and  he  see  a  cruetin  Sarjunt  a  struttin 
round  as  popler  as  a  hen  with  1  chicking,  with  2 
fellers  a  drummin  and  fifin  arter  him  like  all  nater. 
the  sarjunt  he  thout  Hosea  hedn't  gut  his  i  teeth  cut  cos 
he  looked  a  kindo's  though  he'd  jest  com  down,  so  he 
cal'lated  to  hook  him  in,  but  Hosy  woodn't  take  none 
o'  his  sarse  for  all  he  hed  much  as  20  Rooster's 
tales  stuck  onto  his  hat  and  eenamost  enuf  brass  a 


2  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

bobbin  up  and  down  on  his  shoulders  and  figureed 
onto  his  coat  and  trousis,  let  alone  wut  nater  hed 
sot  in  his  featers,  to  make  a  6  pounder  out  on. 

wal,  Hosea  he  com  home  considerabal  riled,  and 
arter  I  'd  gone  to  bed  I  heern  Him  a  thrashin  round 
like  a  short-tailed  Bull  in  fli-time.  The  old  Woman  ses 
she  to  me  ses  she,  Zekle,  ses  she,  our  Hosee's  gut 
the  chollery  or  suthin  anuther  ses  she,  don't  you  Bee 
skeered,  ses  I,  he's  oney  amakin  pottery*  ses  i,  he's 
oilers  on  hand  at  that  ere  busynes  like  Da  &  martin, 
and  shure  enuf,  cum  mornin,  Hosy  he  cum  down 
stares  full  chizzle,  hare  on  eend  and  cote  tales  flyin, 
and  sot  rite  of  to  go  reed  his  varses  to  Parson  Wil 
bur  bein  he  haint  aney  grate  shows  o'  book  larnin  him 
self,  bimeby  he  cum  back  and  sed  the  parson  wuz 
dreffle  tickled  with  'em  as  i  hoop  you  will  Be,  and 
said  they  wuz  True  grit. 

Hosea  ses  taint  hardly  fair  to  call  'em  hisn  now, 
cos  the  parson  kind  o'  slicked  off  sum  o'  the  last  var 
ses,  but  he  told  Hosee  he  didn't  want  to  put  his  ore 

*  Aut  insanit^  aut  versos  facit. —  H.  W. 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  3 

in  to  tetch  to  the  Rest  on  'em,  bein  they  wuz  verry 
well  As  thay  wuz,  and  then  Hosy  ses  he  sed  suthin  a 
nuther  about  Simplex  Mundishes  or  sum  sech  feller, 
but  I  guess  Hosea  kind  o'  didn't  hear  him,  for  I  never 
hearn  o'  nobody  o'  that  name  in  this  villadge,  and 
I've  lived  here  man  and  boy  76  year  cum  next  tater 
diggin,  and  thair  aint  no  wheres  a  kitting  spryer  'n  I  be. 
If  you  print  'em  I  wish  you'd  jest  let  folks  know 
who  hosy's  father  is,  cos  my  ant  Keziah  used  to  say 
it's  nater  to  be  curus  ses  she,  she  aint  livin  though 
and  he's  a  likely  kind  o'  lad. 

EZEKIEL  BIGLOW. 


THRASH  away,  you  '11  hev  to  rattle 

On  them  kittle  drums  o'  yourn,  — 
'Taint  a  knowin'  kind  o'  cattle 

Thet  is  ketched  with  mouldy  corn  ; 
Put  in  stiff,  you  fifer  feller, 

Let  folks  see  how  spry  you  be,  — 
Guess  you  '11  toot  till  you  are  yeller 

'Fore  you  git  ahold  o'  me  ! 


THK     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Thet  air  flag  's  a  leetle  rotten, 

Hope  it  aint  your  Sunday's  best ;  — 
Fact !  it  takes  a  sight  o'  cotton 

To  stuff  out  a  soger's  chest : 
Sence  we  farmers  hev  to  pay  fer  't, 

Ef  you  must  wear  humps  like  these, 
Sposin'  you  should  try  salt  hay  fer  't, 

It  would  du  ez  slick  ez  grease. 

'T  would  n't  suit  them  Southern  fellers, 

They  're  a  dreffle  graspin'  set, 
We  must  oilers  blow  the  bellers 

Wen  they  want  their  irons  het ; 
May  be  it  's  all  right  ez  preachin', 

But  my  narves  it  kind  o'  grates, 
Wen  I  see  the  overreachin' 

O'  them  nigger-drivin'  States. 

Them  thet  rule  us,  them  slave-traders, 
Haint  they  cut  a  thunderin'  swarth, 

(Helped  by  Yankee  renegaders,) 
Thru  the  vartu  o'  the  North ! 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

We  begin  to  think  it 's  nater 

To  take  sarse  an'  not  be  riled  ;  — 

Who  'd  expect  to  see  a  tater 
All  on  eend  at  bein'  biled  ? 

Ez  fer  war,  I  call  it  murder,  — 

There  you  hev  it  plain  an'  flat ; 
I  don't  want  to  go  no  furder 

Than  my  Testyment  fer  that ; 
God  hez  sed  so  plump  an'  fairly, 

It 's  ez  long  ez  it  is  broad, 
An'  you  've  gut  to  git  up  airly 

Ef  you  want  to  take  in  God. 

'Taint  your  eppyletts  an'  feathers 

Make  the  thing  a  grain  more  right ; 
'Taint  afollerin'  your  bell-wethers 

Will  excuse  ye  in  His  sight ; 
Ef  you  take  a  sword  an'   dror  it, 

An'  go  stick  a  feller  thru, 
Guv'ment  aint  to  answer  for  it, 

God  '11  send  the  bill  to  you. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Wut  's  the  use  o'  meetin-goin' 

Every  Sabbath,  wet  or  dry, 
Ef  it 's  right  to  go  amowin' 

Feller-men  like  oats  an'  rye  ? 
I  dunno  but  wut   it 's  pooty 

Trainin'  round  in  bobtail  coats,  — 
But  it 's  curus  Christian  dooty 

This  ere  cuttin'  folks's  throats. 

They  may  talk  o'  Freedom's  airy 

Tell  they  're  pupple  in  the  face,  — 
It 's  a  grand  gret  cemetary 

Fer  the  barthrights  of  our  race  ; 
They  jest  want  this  Californy 

So  's  to  lug  new  slave-states  in 
To  abuse  ye,  an'  to  scorn  ye, 

An'  to  plunder  ye  like  sin. 

Aint  it  cute  to  see  a  Yankee 
Take  sech  everlastin'  pains 

All  to  git  the  Devil's  thankee, 

Helpin'  on  'em  weld  their  chains  ? 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Wy,  it  's  jest  ez  clear  ez  figgers, 
Clear  ez  one  an'  one  make  two, 

Chaps  thet  make  black  slaves  o'  niggers 
Want  to  make  wite  slaves  o'  you. 

Tell  ye  jest  the  eend  I  've  come  to 

Arter  cipherin'  plaguy  smart, 
An'  it  makes  a  handy  sum,  tu, 

Any  gump  could  larn  by  heart ; 
Laborin'  man  an'  laborin'  woman 

Hev  one  glory  an'  one  shame, 
Ev'y  thin'  thet 's  done  inhuman 

Injers  all  on  'em  the  same. 

'Taint  by  turnin'  out  to  hack  folks 

You  're  agoin'  to  git  your  right, 
Nor  by  lookin'  down  on  black  folks 

Coz  you  're  put  upon  by  wite  ; 
Slavery  aint  o'  nary  color, 

'Taint  the  hide  thet  makes  it  wus, 
All  it  keers  fer  in  a  feller 

'S  jest  to  make  him  fill  its  pus. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Want  to  tackle  me  in,  du  ye  ? 

I  expect  you  '11  hev  to  wait ; 
Wen  cold   lead  puts  daylight  thru  ye 

You  '11  begin  to  kal'late  ; 
'Spose  the  crows  wun't  fall  to  pickin' 

All  the  carkiss  from  your  bones, 
Coz  you  helped  to  give  a  lickin' 

To  them  poor  half-Spanish  drones  ? 

Jest  go  home  an'  ask  our  Nancy 

Wether  I  'd  be  sech  a  goose 
Ez  to  jine  ye,  —  guess  you  'd  fancy 

The  etarnal  bung  wuz  loose  ! 
She  wants  me  fer  home  consumption, 

Let  alone  the  hay  's  to  mow,  — 
Ef  you  're  arter  folks  o'  gumption, 

You  've  a  darned  long  row  to  hoe. 

Take  them  editors  thet  's  crowin' 
Like  a  cockerel  three  months  old,  — 

Don't  ketch  any  on  'em  goin', 
Though  they  be  so  blasted  bold  ; 


THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

4.int  they  a  prime  set  o'  fellers  ? 

'Fore  they  think  on  't  they  will  sprout, 
(Like  a  peach  thet's  got  the  yellers,) 
With  the  meanness  bustin'  out. 

Wai,  go  'long  to  help  'em  stealin' 

Bigger  pens  to  cram  with  slaves, 
Help  the  men  thet  's  oilers  dealin' 

Insults  on  your  fathers'  graves  ; 
Help  the  strong  to  grind  the  feeble, 

Help  the  many  agin  the  few, 
Help  the  men  thet  call  your  people 

Witewashed  slaves  an'  peddlin'  crew ! 

Massachusetts,  God  forgive  her, 

She  's  akneelin'  with  the  rest, 
She,  thet  ough'  to  ha'  clung  fer  ever 

In  her  grand  old  eagle-nest ; 
She  thet  ough'  to  stand  so  fearless 

Wile  the  wracks  are  round  her  hurled, 
Holdin'  up  a  beacon  peerless 

To  the  oppressed  of  all  the  world  ! 


10  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Haint  they  sold  your  colored  seamen  ? 

Haint  they  made  your  env'ys  wiz  ? 
Wut   '11  make  ye  act  like  freemen  ? 

Wut  '11  git  your  dander  riz  ? 
Come,  I  '11  tell  ye  wut  I  'm  thinkin' 

Is  our  dooty  in  this  fix, 
They  'd  ha'  done  't  ez  quick  ez  winkin' 

In  the  days  o'  seventy-six. 

Clang  the  bells  in  every  steeple, 

Call  all  true  men  to  disown 
The  tradoocers  of  our  people, 

The  enslavers  o'  their  own ; 
Let  our  dear  old  Bay  State  proudly 

Put  the  trumpet  to  her  mouth, 
Let  her  ring  this  messidge  loudly 

In  the  ears  of  all  the  South  :  — 

u  I  '11  return  ye  good  fer  evil 
Much  ez  we  frail  mortils  can, 

But  I  wun't  go  help  the  Devil 
Makin'  man  the  cus  o'  man  ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  11 

Call  me  coward,  call  me  traiter, 
Jest  ez  suits  your  mean  idees, — 

Here  I  stand  a  tyrant-hater, 

An'  the  friend  o'  God  an'  Peace !  " 

Ef  I  'd  my  way  I  hed  ruther 

We  should  go  to  work  an'  part,  — 
They  take  one  way,  we  take  t'other,  — 

Guess  it  would  n't  break  my  heart ; 
Man  hed  ough'  to  put  asunder 

Them  thet  God  has  noways  jined  ; 
An'  I  should  n't  gretly  wonder 

Ef  there  's  thousands  o'  my  mind. 

[The  first  recruiting  sergeant  on  record  I  conceive  to  have  been 
that  individual  who  is  mentioned  in  the  Book  of  Job  as  going  to 
and  fro  in  the  earth,  and  walking  up  and  down  in  it.  Bishop  Lati- 
mer  will  have  him  to  have  been  a  bishop,  but  to  me  that  other 
calling  would  appear  more  congenial.  The  sect  of  Cainites  is  not 
yet  extinct,  who  esteemed  the  first-born  of  Adam  to  be  the  most 
worthy,  not  only  because  of  that  privilege  of  primogeniture,  but 
inasmuch  as  he  was  able  to  overcome  and  slay  his  younger 
brother.  That  was  a  wise  saying  of  the  famous  Marquis  Pes- 
cara  to  the  Papal  Legate,  that  it  was  impossible  for  men  to  serve 
Mars  and  Christ  at  the  same  time.  Yet  in  time  past  the  profession 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


12 


of  arms  was  judged  to  be  KCLT  egoxyv  that  of  a  gentleman,  nor 
does  this  opinion  want  for  strenuous  upholders  even  in  our  day. 
Must  we  suppose,  then,  that  the  profession  of  Christianity  was 
only  intended  for  losels,  or,  at  best,  to  afford  an  opening  for  ple 
beian  ambition  ?  Or  shall  we  hold  with  that  nicely  metaphysic  a  I 
Pomeranian,  Captain  Vratz,  who  was  Count  Konigsm  ark's  chief 
instrument  in  the  murder  of  Mr.  Thynne,  that  the  Scheme  of  Sal 
vation  has  been  arranged  with  an  especial  eye  to  the  necessities 
of  the  upper  classes,  and  that  "  God  would  consider  a  gentleman 
and  deal  with  him  suitably  to  the  condition  and  profession  he  had 
placed  him  in"?  It  may  be  said  of  us  all,  Exemplo  plus  guan 
ratione  vivimus.  —  H.  W.  j 


No.   II. 
A    LETTER 

FROM  MR.  HOSEA  BIGLOW  TO  THE  HON.  J.  T.  BUCKINGHAM, 
EDITOR  OF  THE  BOSTON  COURIER,  COVERING  A  LETTER 
FROM  MR.  B.  SAWIN,  PRIVATE  IN  THE  MASSACHUSETTS 
REGIMENT. 

[THIS  letter  of  Mr.  Sawin's  was  not  originally  written  in  verse. 
Mr.  Biglow,  thinking  it  peculiarly  susceptible  of  metrical  adorn 
ment,  translated  it,  so  to  speak,  into  his  own  vernacular  tongue. 
This  is  not  the  time  to  consider  the  question,  whether  rhyme  be 
a  mode  of  expression  natural  to  the  human  race.  If  leisure  from 
other  and  more  important  avocations  be  granted,  I  will  handle 
the  matter  more  at  large  in  an  appendix  to  the  present  volume. 
In  this  place  I  will  barely  remark,  that  I  have  sometimes  noticed 
in  the  unlanguaged  prattlings  of  infants  a  fondness  for  alliteration, 
assonance,  and  even  rhyme,  in  Which  natural  predisposition  we 
may  trace  the  three  degrees  through  which  our  Anglo-Saxon 
verse  rose  to  its  culmination  in  the  poetry  of  Pope.  I  wotJd  not 
be  understood  as  questioning  in  these  remarks  that  pious  theory 
which  supposes  that  children,  if  left  entirely  to  themselves,  would 


14  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 


naturally  discourse  in  Hebrew.  For  this  the  authority  of  one 
experiment  is  claimed,  and  I  could,  with  Sir  Thomas  Browne, 
desire  its  establishment,  inasmuch  as  the  acquirement  of  that 
sacred  tongue  would  thereby  be  facilitated.  I  am  aware  that 
Herodotus  states  the  conclusion  of  Psammeticus  to  have  been  in 
favor  of  a  dialect  of  the  Phrygian.  But,  beside  the  chance  that  a 
trial  of  this  importance  would  hardly  be  blessed  to  a  Pagan  mon 
arch  whose  only  motive  was  curiosity,  we  have  on  the  Hebrew 
side  the  comparatively  recent  investigation  of  James  the  Fourth 
of  Scotland.  I  will  add  to  this  prefatory  remark,  that  Mr.  Sawin, 
though  a  native  of  Jaalam,  has  never  been  a  stated  attendant  on 
the  religious  exercises  of  my  congregation.  I  consider  my  hum 
ble  efforts  prospered  in  that  not  one  of  my  sheep  hath  ever  indued 
the  wolf's  clothing  of  war,  save  for  the  comparatively  innocent 
diversion  of  a  militia  training.  Not  that  my  flock  are  back 
ward  to  undergo  the  hardships  of  defensive  warfare.  They  serve 
cheerfully  in  the  great  army  which  fights  even  unto  death  pro  aris 
etfocis,  accoutred  with  the  spade,  the  axe,  the- plane,  the  sledge, 
the  spelling-book,  and  other  such  effectual  weapons  against  want 
and  ignorance  and  unthrift.  I  have  taught  them  (under  God)  to 
esteem  our  human  institutions  as  but  tents  of  a  night,  to  be 
stricken  whenever  Truth  puts  the  bugle  to  her  lips  and  sounds 
a  march  to  the  heights  of  wider-viewed  intelligence  and  more 
perfect  organization.  —  H.  W.] 

MISTER  BUCKINUM,  the  follerin  Billet  was  writ  hum 
by  a  Yung  feller  of  our  town  that  wuz  cussed  fool 
enuff  to  goe  atrottin  inter  Miss  ChifT  arter  a  Drum  and 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  15 

fife,  it  ain't  Nater  for  a  feller  to  let  on  that  he's  sick 
o'  any  bizness  that  He  went  intu  off  his  own  free  will 
and  a  Cord,  but  I  rather  cal'late  he's  middlin  tired. o' 
voluntearin  By  this  Time.  I  bleeve  u  may  put  de- 
pendunts  on  his  statemence.  For  I  never  heered  nothin 
bad  on  him  let  Alone  his  havin  what  Parson  Wilbur 
cals  a  pongshong  for  cocktales,  and  he  ses  it  wuz  a 
soshiashun  of  idees  sot  him  agoin  arter  the  Crootin 
Sargient  cos  he  wore  a  cocktale  onto  his  hat. 

his  Folks  gin  the  letter  to  me  and  i  shew  it  to  parson 
Wilbur  and  he  ses  it  oughter  Bee  printed,  send  It  to 
mister  Buckinum,  ses  he,  i  don't  oilers  agree  with  him, 
ses  he,  but  by  Time,*  ses  he,  I  du  like  a  feller  that  ain't 
a  Feared. 

I   have   intusspussed  a   Few  refleckshuns   hear  and 
thair.     We're  kind  o'  prest  with  Hayin. 
Ewers  lespecfly 

HOSEA  BIGLOW. 


*  In  relation  to  this  expression,  I  cannot  but  ihink  that  Mr. 
Biglow  has  been  too  hasty  in  attributing  it  to  me.  Though  Time 
be  a  comparatively  innocent  personage  to  swear  by,  and  though 
Longinus  in  his  discourse  Ilept  "Y^ovs  has  commended  timely 


16  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


Tins    kind   o'  sogerin'  aint  a   mite   like   our  October 

trainin', 
A   chap   could   clear   right   out  from  there  ef  't  only 

looked  like  rainin'. 
An'    th'  Gunnies,    tu,    could  kiver  up  their  shappoes 

with  bandanners, 
An'    send  the  insines  skootin'  to  the  bar-room  with  their 

banners, 
(Fear  o'  gittin'  on  'em  spotted,)  an'   a  feller  could  cry 

quarter 
Ef  he  fired  away  his  ramrod  arter   tu    much  rum    an' 

water. 
Recollect     wut     fun    we    hed,   you    'n   I    an'    Ezry 

Hollis, 
Up    there    to    Waltham    plain    last    fall,   ahavin'   the 

Cornwallis  ?  * 


oaths  as  not  only  a  useful  but  sublime  figure  of  speech,  yet  I  have 
always  kept  my  lips  free  from  that  abomination.  Odi profamtm 
twlgus,  I  hate  your  swearing  and  hectoring  fellows.  —  H.  W. 

*  i  hait  the  Site  of  a  feller  with  a  muskit  as  I  du  pizn  But  their 
is  fun  to  a  cornwallis  I  aint  agoin'  to  deny  it.  —  H.  B. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  17 

This  sort  o'  thing  aint  jest  like  thet, —  I  wish  thet  I  wuz 

furder, —  * 
Nimepunce  a  day  fer  killin'  folks  comes  kind  o'  low  fer 

murder, 
(Wy   I   've    worked  out  to  slarterin'  some  fer  Deacon 

Cephas  Billins, 
An'  in  the  hardest  times  there  wuz  I  oilers  tetched  ten 

shillins,) 
There  's  sutthin'  gits  into  my  throat  thet  makes  it  hard 

to  swaller, 

It   comes   so   nateral   to   think  about  a   hempen    col 
lar; 
It  's   glory,  —  but,   in  spite   o'    all   my   tryin'   to   git 

callous, 
I    feel    a    kind    o'    in    a    cart,    aridin'    to    the    gal- 

lus. 
But    wen   it  comes  to  leiri*  killed,  —  I  tell  ye  I  felt 

streaked 
The   fust  time   ever  I  found    out  wy   baggonets  wuz 

peaked ; 

*  he  means  Not  quite  so  fur  i  guess.  —  H.  B. 
2 


18  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

Here  's   how  it  wuz:    I   started   out  to   go   to  a  fan 
dango, 
The   sentinui  he    upS  an'    sez,   "  Thet  's   furder   'an 

you  can  go." 
"  None  o'  your  sarse,"  sez  I ;  sez  he,  "Stan'   back  !  " 

"  Aint  you  a  buster  ?  " 
Sez  I,  "  I  'm  up  to  all  thet  air,  I  guess  I  've   ben  to 

muster ; 
I    know    wy    sentinuls   air    sot;    you    aint  agoin'   to 

eat  us ; 
Caleb    haint    no    monopoly    to    court    the    seenoree- 

tas; 
My  folks  to   hum     air     full  ez   good  ez  hisn  be,  by 

golly!" 
An'   so  ez  I  wuz   goin'   by,   not  thinkin'   wut    would 

folly, 
The  everlastin'  cus  he  stuck  his  one-pronged  pitchfork 

in  me 
An'    made  a  hole   right  thru   my  close  ez  ef  I  wuz 

an    in'my. 
Wai,  it  beats   all   how   big  I   felt    hoorawin'   in    ole 

Funnel 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  19 

Wen  Mister  Bolles  he  gin  the  sword  to  our  Leftenant 

Cunnle, 
(It  's  Mister  Secondary   Bolles,*   thet  writ  the  prize 

peace  essay  ; 
Thet  's    wy    he    did  n't  list  himself  along  o'  us,  I 

dessay,) 
An'   Rantoul,  tu,  talked  pooty  loud,  but  don't  put  his 

foot  in  it, 
Coz  human    life   's   so  sacred    thet  he  's   principled 

agin'  it,— 
Though  I   myself  can   't  rightly  see  it  's  any   wus 

achokin'  on  'em 
Than  puttin'  bullets  thru  their  lights,  or  with  a  bagnet 

pokin'  on  'em ; 
How   dreffle   slick  he  reeled  it  off,  (like  Blitz  at  our 

lyceum 
Ahaulin'  ribbins   from  his  chops  so  quick  you  skeercely 

see  'em,) 


*  the  ignerant  creeter  means  Sekketary ;  but  he  oilers  stuck  to 
his  books  like  cobbler's  wax  to  an  ile-stone.  —  H.  B. 


20  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

About  the  Anglo-Saxon   race    (an'    saxons   would    be 

handy 
To   du  the   buryin'  down  here  upon    the   Rio  Gran- 

dy), 

* 

About  our  patriotic  pas  an'  our  star-spangled  ban 
ner, 

Our  country's  bird  alookin'  on  an'  singin'  out  ho- 
sanner, 

An'  how  he  (Mister  B.  himself)  wuz  happy  fer 
Ameriky,  — 

I  felt,  ez  sister  Patience  sez,  a  leetle  mite  hister- 
icky. 

I  felt,  I  swon,  ez  though  it  wuz  a  dreffle  kind  o'  priv 
ilege 

Atrampin'  round  thru  Boston  streets  among  the  gutter's 
drivelage  ; 

I  act'lly  thought  it  wuz  a  treat  to  hear  a  little  drum 
ming 

An'  it  did  bonyfidy  seem  millanyum  wuz  acom- 
in' 

Wen  all  on  us  got  suits  (darned  like  them  wore  in  the 
state  prison) 


THE     B1GLOW    PAPERS.  21 

An'  every  feller  felt  ez  though  all  Mexico  wuz 
hisn.* 

This  'ere  's  about  the  meanest  place  a  skunk  could 
wal  diskiver 

(Saltillo  's  Mexican,  I  b'lieve,  fer  wut  we  call  Salt- 
river). 

The  sort  o'  trash  a  feller  gits  to  eat  doos  beat  all 
nater, 

I  'd  give  a  year's  pay  fer  a  smell  o'  one  good  bluenose 
tater ; 

The  country  here  thet  Mister  Bolles  declared  to  be  so 
charmin' 

Throughout  is  swarmin'  with  the  most  alarmin'  kind  o' 
varmin'. 


#  it  must  be  aloud  that  thare  's  a  streak  o'  nater  in  lovin'  sho, 
but  it  sartinly  is  1  of  the  curusest  things  in  nater  to  see  a  rispeck- 
table  dri  goods  dealer  (deekon  off  a  chutch  mayby)  a  riggin1 
himself  out  in  the  "Weigh  they  du  and  struttin'  round  in  the  Eeign 
aspilin'  his  trowsis  and  makin'  wet  goods  of  himself.  Ef  any 
thin  's  foolisher  and  moor  dicklus  than  militerry  gloary  it  is 
milishy  gloary.  —  H.  B. 


"22  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

He   talked   about   delishis    froots,   but   then    it   wuz  a 

wopper  all, 
The   holl    on't    's  mud  an'    prickly  pears,  with  here 

an'   there  a  chapparal ; 
You  see  a   feller  peekin'  out,  an',   fust   you   know,  a 

lariat 
Is  round  your  throat  an'    you  a  copse,  'fore  you  can 

say,  "  Wut  air  ye  at  ?  "  * 
You  never  see  sech  darned  gret  bugs  (it  may  not  be 

irrelevant 
To  say  I  've  seen  a  scardbceus  pilularius  t  big  ez  a 

year  old  elephant,) 
The  rigiment  come  up  one  day  in  time  to  stop  a  red 

bug 
From  runnin'  off  with  Cunnle  Wright,  —  't  wuz  jest  a 

common  cimex  lectularius. 


*  these  fellers  are  verry  proppilly  called  Kank  Heroes,  and  the 
more  tha  kill  the  ranker  and  more  Herowick  tha  bekum.  —  H.  B. 

t  it  wuz  "  tumblebug "  as  he  Writ  it,  but  the  parson  put  the 
Latten  instid.  i  sed  tother  maid  better  meeter,  but  he  said  tha 
was  eddykated  peepl  to  Boston  and  tha  would  n't  stan'  it  no  how 
idnow  as  tha  wood  and  idnow  as  tha  wood.  —  H.  B. 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  23 

One  night  I  started  up  on  eend  an'    thought  I  wuz  to 

hum  agin, 
I  heern  a  horn,  thinks  I  it 's  Sol  the  fisherman  hez  come 

agin, 
His   bellowses   is   sound   enough,  —  ez  I  'm    a    livin' 

creeter, 
I  felt  a  thing  go  thru  my  leg, —  't  wuz  nothin'  more  'n 

a  skeeter ! 
Then  there  's  the  yaller  fever,  tu,  they  call  it  here  el 

vomito,  — 
(Come,  thet  wun't  du,  you  landcrab  there,  I  tell  ye  to 

le'  go  my  toe  ! 
My  gracious !  it  's  a  scorpion  thet  's  took  a  shine  to 

play  with  't, 
I  dars  n't  skeer  the  tarnal  thing  fer  fear  he  'd  run  away 

with  't.) 

Afore  I   come   away  from    hum  I   hed  a  strong  per 
suasion 
Thet   Mexicans   worn't    human   beans,*  —  an    ourang 

outang  nation, 

*  he  means  human  beins,  that  's  \vut  he  means,    i  spose  he 


24  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

A  sort  o'  folks  a  chap  could  kill  an'   never  dream  on  't 

arter, 
No  more  'n  a  feller  'd  dream  o'  pigs  thet  he  hed  hed 

to  slarter ; 
I  M  an  idee  thet  they  were  built  arter  the  darkie  fashion 

all, 
An'   kickin'  colored  folks  about,  you  know,  's  a  kind  o' 

national ; 
But  wen  I  jined  I  worn't  so  wise  ez  thet  air  queen  o* 

Sheby, 
Fer,  come  to  look  at  'em,  they  aint  much  diff'rent  from 

wut  we  be, 

An'   here  we  air  ascrougin'  'em  out  o'  thir  own  do 
minions, 
Ashelterin'    'em,    ez    Caleb    sez,    under    our   eagle's 

pinions, 
Wich  means  to  take  a  feller  up  jest  by  the  slack  o'  's 

trowsis 
An'  walk  him  Spanish  clean  right  out  o'  all  his  homes 

an'   houses ; 


kinder  thought  tha  wuz  human  beans  ware  the  Xisle  Poles  comes 
from.  —  H.  B. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  25 

Wai,  it  doos  seem  a  curus  way,  but  then  hooraw  fei 

Jackson ! 
It  must  be   right,  fer  Caleb   sez  it   's   reg'lar  Anglo- 

saxon. 
The   Mex'cans  don't  fight  fair,  they   say,   they   piz'n 

all  the  water, 
An'   du  amazin'  lots  o'   things   thet  is  n't   wut    they 

ough'  to ; 
Bein'  they  haint  no  lead,  they  make  their  bullets  out  o* 

copper 
An'   shoot  the  darned  things  at  us,  tu,  wich  Caleb  sez 

aint  proper ; 
He  sez  they  'd  ough'  to  stan'  right  up  an'    let  us  pop 

'em  fairly, 
(Guess  wen  he '  ketches  'em  at  thet  he  '11  hev  to  git  up 

airly,) 
Thet  our  nation  's  bigger  'n  theirn  an'  so  its  rights   air 

bigger, 
An'   thet  it 's  all  to  make  'em  free  thet  we  air.  .pullin' 

trigger, 
Thet    Anglo    Saxondom's    idee    's    abreakin'   'em   to 

pieces, 


«0  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

An'  thet  idee  's  thet  every  man  doos  jest  wut  he  damn 

pleases ; 
Ef  I  don't  make  his  meanin'  clear,  perhaps  in  some 

respex  I  can, 
I  know  thet  "  every  man "  don't  mean  a  nigger  or  a 

Mexican ; 
An'   there  's  another  thing  I  know,  an'  thet  is,  ef  these 

creeturs, 
Thet    stick    an   Anglosaxon    mask    onto    State-prison 

feeturs, 
Should  come  to  Jaalam  Centre  fer  to  argify  an'  spout 

on't, 
The  gals  'ould  count  the  silver  spoons  the  minnit  they 

cleared  out  on  't. 

This  goin'   ware    glory  waits  ye  haint  one  agreeable 

feetur, 
An'  ef  it  worn't  fer  wakin'  snakes,  I  'd  home  agin  short 

meter ; 
0,  would  n't  I  be  off,  quick  time,  ef 't  worn't  thet  I  wuz 

sartin 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  27 

They  'd  let  the  daylight  into  me  to  pay  me  fer  de- 
sartin ! 

I  don't  approve  o'  tellin'  tales,  but  jest  to  you  I  may 
state 

Our  ossifers  aint  wut  they  wuz  afore  they  left  the  Bay- 
state  ; 

Then  it  wuz  "  Mister  Sawin,  sir,  you  're  middlin'  well 
now,  be  ye  ? 

Step  up  an'  take  a  nipper,  sir ;  I  'm  dreffle  glad  to  see 

ye"; 

But  now  it 's  "    Ware  's  my  eppylet  ?    here,  Sawin, 

step  an'  fetch  it ! 
An'    mind  your  eye,  be  thund'rin'  spry,  or,  damn  ye, 

you  shall  ketch  it ! " 
Wai,  ez  the  Doctor  sez,  some  pork  will  bile  so,  but  by 

mighty, 
Ef  I  hed  some  on  'em  to  hum,  I  'd  give  'em  linkurn 

vity, 
I  'd  play  the  rogue's  march  on  their  hides  an"1   oth<;i 

music  follerin' 

But  I  must   close  my  letter  here,  for  one  on  'em  's  a- 

hollerin', 


28 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


These  Anglosaxon  ossifers,  —  wal,  taint  no  use  ajaw- 

in', 

I  'm  safe  enlisted  fer  the  war, 
Yourn, 

BIRDOFREDOM  SAWIN. 

[Those  have  not  been  wanting  (as,  indeed,  when  hath  Satan 
Deen  to  seek  for  attorneys  ?)  who  have  maintained  that  our  late 
inroad  upon  Mexico  was  undertaken,  not  so  much  for  the  aveng 
ing  of  any  national  quarrel,  as  for  the  spreading  of  free  institu 
tions  and  of  Protestantism.  Capita  vix  duabus  Anticyris  meden- 
da!  Verily  I  admire  that  no  pious  sergeant  among  these  new 
Crusaders  beheld  Martin  Luther  riding  at  the  front  of  the  host 
upon  a  tamed  pontifical  bull,  as,  in  that  former  invasion  of  Mex 
ico,  the  zealous  Diaz  (spawn  though  he  were  of  the  Scarlet 
Woman)  was  favored  with  a  vision  of  St.  James  of  Compostella, 
skewering  the  infidels  upon  his  apostolical  lance.  We  read,  also, 
that  Richard  of  the  lion  heart,  having  gone  to  Palestine  on  a  sim 
ilar  errand  of  mercy,  was  divinely  encouraged  to  cut  the  throats 
of  such  Paynims  as  refused  to  swallow  the  bread  of  life  (doubt 
less  that  they  might  be  thereafter  incapacitated  for  swallowing  the 
filthy  gobbets  of  Mahound)  by  angels  of  heaven,  who  cried  to  the 
king  and  his  knights,  —  Seigneurs,  Inez  !  tuez  !  providentially  using 
the  French  tongue,  as  being  the  only  one  understood  by  their  au 
ditors.  This  would  argue  for  the  pantoglottism  of  these  celestial 
intelligences,  while,  on  the  other  hand,  the  Devil,  teste  Cotton 
Mather,  is  unversed  in  certain  of  the  Indian  dialects.  Yet  must 
he  be  a  semeiologist  the  most  expert-  making  himself  intelligible 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  29 


to  every  people  and  kindred  by  signs ;  no  other  discourse,  indeed, 
being  needful,  than  such  as  the  mackerel-fisher  holds  with  his 
finned  quarry,  who,  if  other  bait  be  wanting,  can  by  a  bare  bit  of 
white  rag  at  the  end  of  a  string  captivate  those  foolish  fishes. 
Such  piscatorial  oratory  is  Satan  cunning  in.  Before  one  he  trails 
a  hat  and  feather,  qr  a  bare  feather  without  a  hat ;  before  another, 
a  Presidential  chair,  or  a  tidewaiter's  stool,  or  a  pulpit  in  the  city 
no  matter  what.  To  us,  dangling  there  over  our  heads,  they  seem 
junkets  dropped  out  of  the  seventh  heaven,  sops  dipped  in  nectar, 
but,  once  in  our  mouths,  they  are  all  one,  bits  of  fuzzy  cotton. 

This,  however,  by  the  way.  It  is  time  now  revocare  gradum 
While  so  many  miracles  of  this  sort,  vouched  by  eyewitnesses, 
have  encouraged  the  arms  of  Papists,  not  to  speak  of  those 
Dioscuri  (whom  we  must  conclude  imps  of  the  pit)  who  sundn 
times  captained  the  pagan  Roman  soldiery,  it  is  strange  that  our 
first  American  crusade  was  not  in  some  such  wise  also  signalized. 
Yet  it  is  said  that  the  Lord  hath  manifestly  prospered  our  armies. 
This  opens  the  question,  whether,  when  our  hands  are  strengthened 
to  make  great  slaughter  of  our  enemies,  it  be  absolutely  and 
demonstratively  certain  that  this  might  is  added  to  us  from  above, 
or  whether  some  Potentate  from  an  opposite  quarter  may  not 
have  a  finger  in  it,  as  there  are  few  pies  into  which  his  meddling 
digits  are  not  thrust.  Would  the  Sanctifier  and  Setter-apart  of 
the  seventh  day  have  assisted  in  a  victory  gained  on  the  Sabbath, 
as  was  one  in  the  late  war  ?  Or  has  that  day  become  less  an  ob 
ject  of  his  especial  care  since  the  year  1697,  when  so  manifest  a 
providence  occurred  to  Mr.  William  Trowbridge,  in  answer  to 
whose  prayers,  when  he  and  all  on  shipboard  with  him  were 
starving,  a  dolphin  was  sent  daily,  "  which  was  enough  to  serve 
'em ;  only  on  Saturdays  they  still  catched  a  couple,  and  on  the 


30  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Lord's  Days  they  could  catch  none  at  all "  ?  Haply  they  might 
have  been  permitted,  by  way  of  mortification,  to  take  some  few 
sculpins  (those  banes  of  the  salt-water  angler),  which  unseemly 
fish  would,  moreover,  have  conveyed  to  them  a  symbolical  reproof 
for  their  breach  of  the  day,  being  known  in  the  rude  dialect  of  our 
mariners  as  Cape  Cod  Clergymen.  • 

It  has  been  a  refreshment  to  many  nice  consciences  to  know 
that  our  Chief  Magistrate  would  not  regard  with  eyes  of  approval 
Jie  (by  many  esteemed)  sinful  pastime  of  dancing,  and  I  own 
myself  to  be  so  far  of  that  mind,  that  I  could  not  but  set  my  face 
against  this  Mexican  Polka,  though  danced  to  the  Presidential 
piping  with  a  Gubernatorial  second.  If  ever  the  country  should 
be  seized  with  another  such  mania  de  propagandA  jide,  I  think  it 
would  be  wise  to  fill  our  bombshells  with  alternate  copies  of  the 
Cambridge  Platform  and  the  Thirty-nine  Articles,  which  would 
produce  a  mixture  of  the  highest  explosive  power,  and  to  wrap 
every  one  of  our  cannon-balls  in  a  leaf  of  the  New  Testament, 
the  reading  of  which  is  denied  to  those  who  sit  in  the  darkness  of 
Popery.  Those  iron  evangelists  would  thus  be  able  to  dissemi 
nate  vital  religion  and  Gospel  truth  in  quarters  inaccessible  to  the 
ordinary  missionary.  I  have  seen  lads,  unimpregnate  with  the 
more  sublimated  punctiliousness  of  Walton,  secure  pickerel, 
taking  their  unwary  siesta  beneath  the  lily-pads  too  nigh  the  sur 
face,  with  a  gun  and  small  shot.  Why  not,  then,  since  gunpowder 
was  unknown  to  the  Apostles  (not  to  enter  here  upon  the  question 
whether  it  were  discovered  before  that  period  by  the  Chinese). 
suit  our  metaphor  to  the  age  in  which  we  live  and  say  shooters  as 
well  as  fishers  of  men  1 

I  do  much  fear  that  we  shall  be  seized  now  and  then  with  a 
Protestant  fervor,  as  long  as  we  have  neighbour  Naboths  whose 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  31 

wallowings  in  Papistical  mire  excite  our  horror  in  exact  propor 
tion  to  the  size  and  desirableness  of  their  vineyards.  Yet  I  rejoice 
that  some  earnest  Protestants  have  been  made  by  this  war,  —  I 
mean  those  who  protested  against  it.  Fewer  they  were  than  I 
could  wish,  for  one  might  imagine  America  to  have  been  colonized 
by  a  tribe  of  those  nondescript  African  animals  the  Aye-Ayes,  so 
difficult  a  word  is  No  to  us  all.  There  is  some  malformation  or 
defect  of  the  vocal  organs,  which  either  prevents  our  uttering  it  at 
all,  or  gives  it  so  thick  a  pronunciation  as  to  be  unintelligible.  A 
mouth  filled  with  the  national  pudding,  or  watering  in  expectation 
thereof,  is  wholly  incompetent  to  this  refractory  monosyllable. 
An  abject  and  herpetic  Public  Opinion  is  the  Pope,  the  Anti- 
Christ,  for  us  to  protest  against  e  corde  cordium.  And  by  what 
College  of  Cardinals  is  this  our  God's-vicar,  our  binder  and 
looser,  elected  ?  Very  like,  by  the  sacred  conclave  of  Tag,  Rag, 
and  Bobtail,  in  the  gracious  atmosphere  of  the  grog-shop.  Yet  it 
is  of  this  that  we  must  all  be  puppets.  This  thumps  the  pulpit- 
cushion,  this  guides  the  editor's  pen,  this  wags  the  senator's  tongue. 
This  decides  what  Scriptures  are  canonical,  and  shuffles  Christ 
away  into  the  Apocrypha.  According  to  that  sentence  fathered 
upon  Solon,  Oureo  drjp.oo'iov  KCIKOV  e/r^erat  oucaS'  cKaoTO).  This 
unclean  spirit  is  skilful  to  assume  various  shapes.  I  have  known 
it  to  enter  my  own  study  and  nudge  my  elbow  of  a  Saturday, 
under  the  semblance  of  a  wealthy  member  of  my  congregation. 
It  were  a  great  blessing,  if  every  particular  of  what  in  the  sum  we 
call  popular  sentiment  could  carry  about  the  name  of  its  manu 
facturer  stamped  legibly  upon  it.  I  gave  a  stab  under  the  fifth 
rib  to  that  pestilent  fallacy,  —  "  Our  country,  right  or  wrong,"  —  by 
tracing  its  original  to  a  speech  of  Ensign  Cilley  at  a  dinner  of  the 
Bungtown  Fencibles. —  II.  W.I 


BO.  in. 

WHAT  MR.  ROBINSON  THINKS. 

[A  FEW  remarks  on  the  following  verses  will  not  be  out  of 
place.  The  satire  in  them  was  not  meant  to  have  any  personal, 
but  only  a  general,  application.  Of  the  gentleman  upon  whose 
letter  they  were  intended  as  a  commentary  Mr.  Biglow  had  never 
heard,  till  he  saw  the  letter  itself.  The  position  of  the  satirist  is 
oftentimes  one  which  he  would  not  have  chosen,  had  the  election 
been  left  to  himself.  In  attacking  bad  principles,  he  is  obliged  to 
select  some  individual  who  has  made  himself  their  exponent,  and 
in  whom  they  are  impersonate,  to  the  end  that  what  he  says  may 
not,  through  ambiguity,  be  dissipated  tenues  in  auras.  For  what 
says  Seneca  ?  Longum  iter  per  prcecepta,  breve  et  efficace  per  exempla. 
A  bad  principle  is  comparatively  harmless  while  it  continues  to  be 
an  abstraction,  nor  can  the  general  mind  comprehend  it  fully  till  it 
is  printed  in  that  large  type  which  all  men  can  read  at  sight, 
namely,  the  life  and  character,  the  sayings  and  doings,  of  particu 
lar  persons.  It  is  one  of  the  cunningest  fetches  of  Satan,  that  he 
never  exposes  himself  directly  to  our  arrows,  but,  still  dodging 
behind  this  neighbour  or  that  acquaintance,  compels  us  to  wound 
him  through  them,  if  at  all.  He  holds  our  affections  as  hostages, 
the  while  he  patches  up  a  truce  with  our  conscience. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  33 


Meanwhile,  let  us  not  forget  that  the  aim  of  the  true  satirist  is 
not  to  be  severe  upon  persons,  but  only  upon  falsehood,  and,  as 
Truth  and  Falsehood  start  from  the  same  point,  and  sometimes 
even  go  along  together  for  a  little  way,  his  business  is  to  follow 
the  path  of  the  latter  after  it  diverges,  and  to  show  her  floundering 
in  the  bog  at  the  end  of  it.  Truth  is  quite  beyond  the  reach  of 
satire.  There  is  so  brave  a  simplicity  in  her,  that  she  can  no 
more  be  made  ridiculous  than  an  oak  or  a  pine.  The  danger 
of  the  satirist  is,  that  continual  use  may  deaden  his  sensibility  to 
the  force  of  language.  He  becomes  more  and  more  liable  to 
strike  harder  than  he  knows  or  intends.  He  may  be  careful  to  put 
on  his  boxing-gloves,  and  yet  forget,  that,  the  older  they  grow,  the 
more  plainly  may  the  knuckles  inside  be  felt.  Moreover,  in  the 
heat  of  contest,  the  eye  is  insensibly  drawn  to  the  crown  of  victory, 
whose  tawdry  tinsel  glitters  through  that  dust  of  the  ring  which 
obscures  Truth's  wreath  of  simple  leaves.  I  have  sometimes 
thought  that  my  young  friend,  Mr.  Biglow,  needed  a  monitory 
hand  laid  on  his  arm,  —  aliquid  sufflaminandus  erat.  I  have  never 
thought  it  good  husbandry  to  water  the  tender  plants  of  reform 
with  aquafortis,  yet,  where  so  much  is  to  do  in  the  beds,  he  were  a 
sorry  gardener  who  should  wage  a  whole  day's  war  with  an  iron 
scuffle  on  those  ill  weeds  that  make  the  garden- walks  of  life  un 
sightly,  when  a  sprinkle  of  Attic  salt  will  wither  them  up.  Est 
ars  etiam  maledicendi,  says  Scaliger,  and  truly  it  is  a  hard  thing  to 
say  where  the  graceful  gentleness  of  the  lamb  merges  in  down 
right  sheepishness.  We  may  conclude  with  worthy  and  wise 
Dr.  Fuller,  that  "  one  may  be  a  lamb  in  private  wrongs,  but  in 
hearing  general  affronts  to  goodness  they  are  asses  which  are  not 
lions."  —  H.  W.] 

3 


34  THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

GUVENER  B.  is  a  sensible  man ; 

He  stays  to  his  home  an'  looks  arter  his  folks ; 
He  draws  his  furrer  ez  straight  ez  he  can, 
An'  into  nobody's  tater-patch  pokes ;  — 
But  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  he  wunt  vote  fer  Guvener  B. 

My  !  aint  it  terrible  ?     Wut  shall  we  du  ? 

We  can't  never  choose  him,  o'  course,  —  thet  's  flat ; 
Guess  we  shall  hev  to  come  round,  (don't  you  ?  ) 
An'  go  in  fer  thunder  an'  guns,  an'  all  that ; 
Fer  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  he  wunt  vote  fer  Guvener  B. 

Gineral  C.  is  a  dreffle  smart  man  : 

He  's  ben  on  all  sides  thet  give  places  or  pelf ; 
But  consistency  still  wuz  a  part  of  his  plan,  — 

He  'sben  true  to  one  party,  —  an'  thet  is  himself:  — 
So  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  he  shall  vote  fer  Gineral  C. 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  35 

Gineral  C.  he  goes  in  fer  the  war ; 

He  don't  vally  principle  more  'n  an  old  cud  ; 
Wut  did  God  make  us  raytional  creeturs  fer, 
But  glory  an'  gunpowder,  plunder  an'  blood  ? 
So  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  he  shall  vote  fer  Gineral  C. 

We  were  gittin'  on  nicely  up  here  to  our  village, 

With  good  old»idees  o'  wut  's  right  an'  wut  aint, 
We  kind  o'  thought  Christ  went  agin  war  an'  pillage, 
An'  thet  eppyletts  worn't  the  best  mark  of  a  saint ; 
But  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  this  kind  o'  thing  's  an  exploded  idee. 

The  side  of  our  country  must  oilers  be  took, 

An'  Presidunt  Polk,  you  know,  he  is  our  country ; 
An'  the  angel  thet  writes  all  our  sins  in  a  book 
Puts  the  debit  to  him,  an'  to  us  the  per  contry  ; 
An'  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  this  is  his  view  o'  the  thing  to  a  T. 


36  THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

Parson  Wilbur  he  calls  all  these  argimunts  lies ; 

Sez  they  're  nothin'  on  airth  but  jestfee,faw,fum ; 
An'  thet  all  this  big  talk  of  our  destinies 

Is  half  on  it  ignorance,  an'  t'other  half  rum  ; 
But  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  it  aint  no  sech  thing ;  an',  of  course,  so  must  wa 

Parson  Wilbur  sez  he  never  heerd  in  his  life 

Thet  th'  Apostles  rigged  out  in  their  swaller-tail  coats 
An'  marched  round  in  front  of  a  drum  an'  a  fife, 
To  git  some  on  'em  office,  an'  some  on  'em  votes ; 
But  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  they  did  n't  know  every  thin'  down  in  Judee. 

Wai,  it 's  a  marcy  we  've  gut  folks  to  tell  us 

The  rights  an'  the  wrongs  o'  these  matters,  I  vow,  — 
God  sends  country  lawyers,  an'  other  wise  fellers, 
To  drive  the  world's  team  wen  it  gits  in  a  slough  ; 
Per  John  P. 
Robinson  he 
Sez  the  world  '11  go  right,  ef  he  hollers  out  Gee  ! 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  37 


[The  attentive  reader  will  doubtless  have  perceived  in  the  forego 
ing  poem  an  allusion  to  that  pernicious  sentiment,  —  "  Our  country, 
right  or  wrong."  It  is  an  abuse  of  language  to  call  a  certain  por 
tion  of  land,  much  more,  certain  personages  elevated  for  the  time 
being  to  high  station,  our  country.  I  would  not  sever  nor  loosen 
a  single  one  of  those  ties  by  which  we  are  united  to  the  spot  of 
our  birth,  nor  minish  by  a  tittle  the  respect  due  to  the  Magistrate. 
I  love  our  own  Bay  State  too  well  to  do  the  one,  and  as  for  the 
other,  I  have  myself  for  nigh  forty  years  exercised,  however  un 
worthily,  the  function  of  Justice  of  the  Peace,  having  been  called 
thereto  by  the  unsolicited  kindness  of  that  most  excellent  man  and 
upright  patriot,  Caleb  Strong.  Patrice  fumus  igne  alieno  luculentior 
is  best  qualified  with  this,  —  Ubi  libertas,  ibi  patria.  "We  are  in 
habitants  of  two  worlds,  and  owe  a  double,  but  not  a  divided,  alle 
giance.  In  virtue  of  our  clay,  this  little  ball  of  earth  exacts  a 
certain  loyalty  of  us,  while,  in  our  capacity  as  spirits,  we  are  ad 
mitted  citizens  of  an  invisible  and  holier  fatherland.  There  is  a 
patriotism  of  the  soul  whose  claim  absolves  us  from  our  other  and' 
terrene  fealty.  Our  true  country  is  that  ideal  realm  which  we 
represent  to  ourselves  under  the  names  of  religion,  duty,  and  the 
like.  Our  terrestrial  organizations  are  but  far-off  approaches  to  so 
fair  a  model,  and  all  they  are  verily  traitors  who  resist  not  any  at 
tempt  to  divert  them  from  this  their  original  intendment.  When, 
therefore,  one  would  have  us  to  fling  up  our  caps  and  shout  with 
the  multitude,  —  "  Our  country,  however  bounded !  "  he  demands 
of  us  that  we  sacrifice  the  larger  to  the  less,  the  higher  to  the 
lower,  and  that  we  yield  to  the  imaginary  claims  of  a  few  acres 
of  soil  our  duty  and  privilege  as  liegemen  of  Truth.  Our  true 
country  is  bounded  on  the  north  and  the  south,  on  the  east  and 
the  west,  by  Justice,  and  when  she  oversteps  that  invisible 


38  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

boundary-line  by  so  much  as  a  hair's-breadth,  she  ceases  to  be  our 
mother,  and  chooses  rather  to  be  looked  upon  quasi  noverca.  That 
is  a  hard  choice,  when  our  earthly  love  of  country  calls  upon  us  to 
tread  one  path  and  our  duty  points  us  to  another.  We  must 
make  as  noble  and  becoming  an  election  as  did  Penelope  between 
Icarius  and  Ulysses.  Veiling  our  faces,  we  must  take  silently  the 
hand  of  Duty  to  follow  her. 

Shortly  after  the  publication  of  the  foregoing  poem,  there  ap 
peared  some  comments  upon  it  in  one  of  the  public  prints  which 
seemed  to  call  for  some  animadversion.  I  accordingly  addressed 
to  Mr.  Buckingham,  of  the  Boston  Courier,  the  following  letter. 

"  JAALAM,  November  4,  1847. 
"  To  the  Editor  of  the  Courier  : 

"  KESPECTED  SIR,  —  Calling  at  the  post-office  this  morning, 
our  worthy  and  efficient  postmaster  offered  for  my  perusal  a  para 
graph  in  the  Boston  Morning  Post  of  the  3d  instant,  wherein  cer- 
•tain  effusions  of  the  pastoral  muse  are  attributed  to  the  pen  of 
Mr.  James  Eussell  Lowell.  For  aught  I  know  or  can  affirm  to 
the  contrary,  this  Mr.  Lowell  may  be  a  very  deserving  person  and 
a  youth  of  parts  (though  I  have  seen  verses  of  his  which  I 
could  never  rightly  understand) ;  and  if  he  be  such,  he,  I  am 
certain,  as  well  as  I,  would  be  free  from  any  proclivity  to  appro 
priate  to  himself  whatever  of  credit  (or  discredit)  may  honestly 
belong  to  another.  I  am  confident,  that,  in  penning  these  few 
lines,  I  am  only  forestalling  a  disclaimer  from  that  young  gentle 
man,  whose  silence  hitherto,  when  rumor  pointed  to  himward,  has 
excited  in  my  bosom  mingled  emotions  of  sorrow  and  surprise. 
Well  may  my  young  parishioner,  Mr.  Biglow,  exclaim  with  the 

poet, 

'Sic  vo3  non  vobis  '  fee. ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  39 


though,  in  saying  this,  I  would  not  convey  the  impression  that  he 
is  a  proficient  in  the  Latin  tongue,  —  the  tongue,  I  might  add.  of  a 
Horace  and  a  Tully. 

"Mr.  B.  does  not  employ  his  pen,  I  can  safely  say,  for  any  lucre 
of  worldly  gain,  or  to  be  exalted  by  the  carnal  plaudits  of  men, 
digit?  monstrari,  &c.  He  does  not  wait  upon  Providence  for  mer 
cies,  and  in  his  heart  mean  merces.  But  I  should  esteem  myself  as 
verily  deficient  in  my  duty  (who  am  his  friend  and  in  some  un 
worthy  sort  his  spiritualizes  Achates,  &c.),  if  I  did  not  step  for 
ward  to  claim  for  him  whatever  measure  of  applause  might  be 
assigned  to  him  by  the  judicious. 

"  If  this  were  a  fitting  occasion,  I  might  venture  here  a  brief  dis 
sertation  touching  the  manner  and  kind  of  my  young  friend's 
poetry.  But  I  dubitate  whether  this  abstruser  sort  of  speculation 
(though  enlivened  by  some  apposite  instances  from  Aristophanes) 
would  sufficiently  interest  your  oppidan  readers.  As  regards  their 
satirical  tone,  and  their  plainness  of  speech,  I  will  only  say,  that, 
in  my  pastoral  experience,  I  have  found  that  the  Arch-Enemy 
loves  nothing  better  than  to  be  treated  as  a  religious,  moral,  and 
intellectual  being,  and  that  there  is  no  apaye  Sathanas  !  so  potent 
as  ridicule.  But  it  is  a  kind  of  weapon  that  must  have  a  button 
of  good-nature  on  the  point  of  it. 

"  The  productions  of  Mr.  B.  have  been  stigmatized  in  some 
quarters  as  unpatriotic ;  but  I  can  vouch  that  he  loves  his  native  soil 
with  that  hearty,  though  discriminating,  attachment  which  springs 
from  an  intimate  social  intercourse  of  many  years'  standing.  In 
the  ploughing  season,  no  one  has  a  deeper  share  in  the  well-being 
of  the  country  than  he.  If  Dean  Swift  were  right  in  saying  that 
he  who  makes  two  blades  of  grass  grow  where  one  grew  before 
confers  a  greater  benefit  on  the  state  than  he  who  taketh  a  city, 


40  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


Mr.  B.  might  exhibit  a  fairer  claim  to  the  Presidency  than  General 
Scott  himself.  I  think  that  some  of  those  disinterested  lovers  of 
the  hard-handed  democracy,  whose  fingers  have  never  touched 
any  thing  rougher  than  the  dollars  of  our  common  country,  would 
hesitate  to  compare  palms  with  him.  It  would  do  your  heart 
good,  respected  Sir,  to  see  that  young  man  mow.  He  cuts  a 
cleaner  and  wider  swarth  than  any  in  this  town. 

"  But  it  is  time  for  me  to  be  at  my  Post.  It  is  very  clear  that 
my  young  friend's  shot  has  struck  the  lintel,  for  the  Post  is  shaken 
(Amos  ix.  1).  The  editor  of  that  paper  is  a  strenuous  advocate 
of  the  Mexican  war,  and  a  colonel,  as  I  am  given  to  understand. 
I  presume,  that,  being  necessarily  absent  in  Mexico,  he  has  left  his 
journal  in  some  less  judicious  hands.  At  any  rate,  the  Post  has 
been  too  swift  on  this  occasion.  It  could  hardly  have  cited  a  more 
incontrovertible  line  from  any  poem  than  that  which  it  has  select 
ed  for  animadversion,  namely,  — 

'  We  kind  o'  thought  Christ  went  agin  war  an'  pillage.' 

"  If  the  Post  maintains  the  converse  of  this  proposition,  it  can 
hardly  be  considered  as  a  safe  guide-post  for  the  moral  and  relig 
ious  portions  of  its  party,  however  many  other  excellent  qualities 
of  a  post  it  may  be  blessed  with.  There  is  a  sign  in  London  on 
which  is  painted,  — '  The  Green  Man.'  It  would  do  very  well  as 
a  portrait  of  any  individual  who  would  support  so  unscriptural  a 
fbesis.  As  regards  the  language  of  the  line  in  question.  I  am 
bold  to  say  that  He  who  readeth  the  hearts  of  men  will  not  ac 
count  any  dialect  unseemly  which  conveys  a  sound  and  pious 
sentiment.  I  could  wish  that  such  sentiments  were  more  common, 
however  uncouthly  expressed.  Saint  Ambrose  affirms,  that  rcritas 
a  quocunque  (why  not,  then,  quomodocunque  ? )  dicatur,  a  spirit* 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  41 


sancto  est.  Digest  also  this  of  Baxter :  — '  The  plainest  words  are 
the  most  profitable  oratory  in  the  weightiest  matters.' 

"  When  the  paragraph  in  question  was  shown  to  Mr.  Biglow, 
the  only  part  of  it  which  seemed  to  give  him  any  dissatisfaction 
was  that  which  classed  him  with  the  Whig  party.  He  says,  that, 
if  resolutions  are  a  nourishing  kind  of  diet,  that  party  must  be  in 
a  very  hearty  and  flourishing  condition  ;  for  that  they  have  quietly 
eaten  more  good  ones  of  their  own  baking  than  he  could  have 
conceived  to  be  possible  without  repletion.  He  has  been  for  some 
years  past  (I  regret  to  say)  an  ardent  opponent  of  those  sound 
doctrines  of  protective  policy  which  form  so  prominent  a  portion 
of  the  creed  of  that  party.  I  confess,  that,  in  some  discussions 
which  I  have  had  with  him  on  this  point  in  my  study,  he  has  dis 
played  a  vein  of  obstinacy  which  I  had  not  hitherto  detected  in 
his  composition.  He  is  also  (horresco  referens)  infected  in  no  small 
measure  with  the  peculiar  notions  of  a  print  called  the  Liberator, 
whose  heresies  I  take  every  proper  opportunity  of  combating,  and 
of  which,  I  thank  God,  I  have  never  read  a  single  line. 

"  I  did  not  see  Mr.  B.'s  verses  until  they  appeared  in  print,  and 
there  is  certainly  one  thing  in  them  which  I  consider  highly  im- 
pi-oper.  I  allude  to  the  personal  references  to  myself  by  name. 
To  confer  notoriety  on  an  humble  individual  who  is  laboring 
quietly  in  his  vocation,  and  who  keeps  his  cloth  as  free  as  he  can 
from  the  dust  of  the  political  arena  (though  vce  mihi  si  non  evan- 
gdiztivero),  is  no  doubt  an  indecorum.  The  sentiments  which  he 
attributes  to  me  I  will  not  deny  to  be  mine.  They  were  em 
bodied,  though  in  a  different  form,  in  a  discourse  preached  upon 
the  last  day  of  public  fasting,  and  were  acceptable  to  my  entire 
people  (of  whatever  political  views),  except  the  postmaster,  who 
dissented  ex  officio.  I  observe  that  you  sometimes  devote  a  por- 


42  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


tion  of  your  paper  to  a  religious  summary.  I  should  be  well 
pleased  to  furnish  a  copy  of  my  discourse  for  insertion  in  this 
department  of  your  instructive  journal.  By  omitting  the  adver 
tisements,  it  might  easily  be  got  within  the  limits  of  a  single 
number,  and  I  venture  to  insure  you  the  sale  of  some  scores  of 
copies  in  this  town.  I  will  cheerfully  render  myself  responsible 
for  ten.  It  might  possibly  be  advantageous  to  issue  it  as  an  extra. 
But  perhaps  you  will  not  esteem  it  an  object,  and  I  will  not  press 
it.  My  offer  does  not  spring  from  any  weak  desire  of  seeing  my 
name  in  print ;  for  I  can  enjoy  this  satisfaction  at  any  time  by 
turning  to  the  Triennial  Catalogue"  of  the  University,  where  it 
also  possesses  that  added  emphasis  of  Italics  with  which  those  of 
my  calling  are  distinguished. 

"  I  would  simply  add,  that  I  continue  to  fit  ingenuous  youth  for 
college,  and  that  I  have  two  spacious  and  airy  sleeping  apart 
ments  at  this  moment  unoccupied.  Ingenuas  didicisse,  &c.  Terms, 
which  vary  according  to  the  circumstances  of  the  parents,  may  be 
known  on  application  to  me  by  letter,  post  paid.  In  all  cases  the 
lad  will  be  expected  to  fetch  his  own  towels.  This  rule,  Mrs.  W. 
desires  me  to  add,  has  no  exceptions. 

"  Respectfully,  your  obedient  servant, 

"HOMER  WILBUR,  A.  M. 

"P.  S.  Perhaps  the  last  paragraph  may  look  like  an  attempt 
to  obtain  the  insertion  of  my  circular  gratuitously.  If  it  should 
appear  to  you  in  that  light,  I  desire  that  you  would  erase  it,  or 
charge  for  it  at  the  usual  rates,  and  deduct  the  amount  from  the 
proceeds  in  your  hands  from  the  sale  of  my  discourse,  when  it 
shall  be  printed.  My  circular  is  much  longer  and  more  explicit, 
and  will  be  forwarded  without  charge  to  any  who  may  desire  it. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  43 


It  has  been  very  neatly  executed  on  a  letter  sheet,  by  a  very  cle 
serving  printer,  who  attends  upon  my  ministry,  and  is  a  creditable 
specimen  of  the  typographic  art.  I  have  one  hung  over  my 
mantelpiece  in  a  neat  frame,  where  it  makes  a  beautiful  and  ap 
propriate  ornament,  and  balances  the  profile  of  Mrs.  W.,  cut  with 
her  toes  by  the  young  lady  born  without  arms.  H.  W." 

I  have  in  the  foregoing  letter  mentioned  General  Scott  in  con 
nection  with  the  Presidency,  because  I  have  been  given  to  under 
stand  that  he  has  blown  to  pieces  and  otherwise  caused  to  be  de 
stroyed  more  Mexicans  than  any  other  commander.  His  claim 
would  therefore  be  deservedly  considered  the  strongest.  Until 
accurate  returns  of  the  Mexican  killed,  wounded,  and  maimed  be 
obtained,  it  will  be  difficult  to  settle  these  nice  points  of  prece 
dence.  Should  it  prove  that  any  other  officer  has  been  more 
meritorious  and  destructive  than  General  S.,  and  has  thereby  ren 
dered  himself  more  worthy  of  the  confidence  and  support  of  the 
conservative  portion  of  our  community,  I  shall  cheerfully  insert 
his  name,  instead  of  that  of  General  S.,  in  a  future  edition.  It 
may  be  thought,  likewise,  that  General  S.  has  invalidated  his 
claims  by  too  much  attention  to  the  decencies  of  apparel,  and  the 
habits  belonging  to  a  gentleman.  These  abstruser  points  of 
statesmanship  are  beyond  my  scope.  I  wonder  not  that  success 
ful  military  achievement  should  attract  the  admiration  of  the 
multitude.  Bather  do  I  rejoice  with  wonder  to  behold  how  rap 
idly  this  sentiment  is  losing  its  hold  upon  the  popular  mind.  It 
is  related  of  Thomas  Warton,  the  second  of  that  honored  name 
who  held  the  office  of  Poetry  Professor  at  Oxford,  that,  when  one 
wished  to  find  him,  being  absconded,  as  was  his  wont,  in  some  ob 
scure  alehouse,  he  was  counselled  to  traverse  the  city  with  a  drum 


44  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

and  fife,  the  sound  of  which  inspiring  music  would  be  sure  to 
draw  the  Doctor  from  his  retirement  into  the  street.  We  are  all 
more  or  less  bitten  with  this  martial  insanity.  Nescio  qua  duke- 
dine  cunctos  ducit.  I  confess  to  some  infection  of  that  itch 

myself.  When  I  see  a  Brigadier- General  maintaining  his  insecure 
elevation  in  the  saddle  under  the  severe  fire  of  the  training-field, 
and  when  I  remember  that  some  military  enthusiasts,  through 
haste,  inexperience,  or  an  over-desire  to  lend  reality  to  those 
fictitious  combats,  will  sometimes  discharge  their  ramrods,  I  can 
not  but  admire,  while  I  deplore,  the  mistaken  devotion  of  those 
heroic  officers.  Semel  insanivimus  omnes.  I  was  myself,  during 
the  late  war  with  Great  Britain,  chaplain  of  a  regiment,  which  was 
fortunately  never  called  to  active  military  duty.  I  mention  this 
circumstance  with  regret  rather  than  pride.  Had  I  been  sum 
moned  to  actual  warfare,  I  trust  that  I  might  have  been  strength 
ened  to  bear  myself  after  the  manner  of  that  reverend  father  in 
our  New  England  Israel,  Dr.  Benjamin  Colman,  who,  as  we  are 
told  in  Turell's  life  of  him,  when  the  vessel  in  which  he  had  taken 
passage  for  England  was  attacked  by  a  French  privateer,  "  fought 

like  a  philosopher  and  a  Christian, and  prayed  all  the  while 

he  charged  and  fired."  As  this  note  is  already  long,  I  shall  not 
here  enter  upon  a  discussion  of  the  question,  whether  Christians 
may  lawfully  be  soldiers.  I  think  it  sufficiently  evident,  that, 
during  the  first  two  centuries  of  the  Christian  era,  at  least,  the 
two  professions  were  esteemed  incompatible.  Consult  Jortin  on 
this  head.  —  H.  W.] 


No.  IV. 

REMARKS  OF  INCREASE  D.  o'PHACE,  ESQUIRE,  AT  AN 
EXTRUMPERY  CAUCUS  IN  STATE  STREET,  REPORTED 
BY  MR.  H.  BIGLOW. 

[THE  ingenious  reader  will  at  once  understand  that  no  such 
speech  as  the  following  was  ever  totidem  verbis  pronounced.  But 
there  are  simpler  and  less  guarded  wits,  for  the  satisfying  of 
which  such  an  explanation  may  he  needful.  For  there  are  certain 
invisible  lines,  which  as  Truth  successively  overpasses,  she  be 
comes  Untruth  to  one  and  another  of  us,  as  a  large  river,  flowing 
from  one  kingdom  into  another,  sometimes  takes  a  new  name, 
albeit  the  waters  undergo  no  change,  how  small  soever.  There  is, 
moreover,  a  truth  of  fiction  more  veracious  than  the  truth  of  fact, 
as  that  of  the  Poet,  which  represents  to  us  things  and  events  as 
they  ought  to  be,  rather  than  servilely  copies  them  as  they  are 
imperfectly  imaged  in  the  crooked  and  smoky  glass  of  our  mun 
dane  affairs.  It  is  this  which  makes  the  speech  of  Antonius, 
though  originally  spoken  in  no  wider  a  forum  than  the  brain  of 
Shakspcare,  more  historically  valuable  than  that  other  which 
Appian  has  reported,  by  as  much  as  the  understanding  of  tho 
Englishman  was  more  comprehensive  than  that  of  the  Alexan 
drian.  Mr.  Biglow,  in  the  present  instance,  has  only  made  use  of 
a  license  assumed  by  all  the  historians  of  antiquity,  who  put  into 
the  mouths  of  various  characters  such  words  as  seem  to  them 


46  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 


most  fitting  to  the  occasion  and  to  the  speaker.  If  it  be  objected 
that  no  such  oration  could  ever  have  been  delivered,  I  answer,  that 
there  are  few  assemblages  for  speech-making  which  do  not  better 
deserve  the  title  of  Parliamentum  Indoctorum  than  did  the  sixth 
Parliament  of  Henry  the  Fourth,  and  that  men  still  continue  to 
have  as  much  faith  in  the  Oracle  of  Fools  as  ever  Pantagruel  had. 
Ho  well,  in  his  letters,  recounts  a  merry  tale  of  a  certain  ambassa 
dor  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  who,  having  written  two  letters,  one  to 
her  Majesty  and  the  other  to  his  wife,  directed  them  at  cross- 
purposes,  so  that  the  Queen  was  beducked  and  bedeared  and  re 
quested  to  send  a  change  of  hose,  and  the  wife  was  beprincessed 
and  otherwise  unwontedly  besuperlatived,  till  the  one  feared  for 
the  wits  of  her  ambassador,  the  other  for  those  of  her  husband. 
In  like  manner  it  may  be  presumed  that  our  speaker  has  mis 
directed  some  of  his  thoughts,  and  given  to  the  whole  theatre 
what  he  would  have  wished  to  confide  only  to  a  select  auditory  at 
the  back  of  the  curtain.  For  it  is  seldom  that  we  can  get  any 
frank  utterance  from  men,  who  address,  for  the  most  part,  a  Bun 
combe  either  in  this  world  or  the  next.  As  for  their  audiences,  it 
may  be  truly  said  of  our  people,  that  they  enjoy  one  political  insti 
tution  in  common  with  the  ancient  Athenians  :  I  mean  a  certain 
profitless  kind  of  ostracism,  wherewith,  nevertheless,  they  seem  hith 
erto  well  enough  content.  For  in  Presidential  elections,  and  other 
affairs  of  the  sort,  whereas  I  observe  that  the  oysters  fall  to  the  lot 
of  comparatively  few,  the  shells  (such  as  the  privileges  of  voting  as 
they  are  told  to  do  by  the  ostrivori  aforesaid,  and  of  huzzaing  at 
public  meetings)  are  very  liberally  distributed  among  the  people, 
as  being  their  prescriptive  and  quite  sufficient  portion. 

The  occasion  of  the  speech  is  supposed  to  be  Mr.  Palfrey's  re 
fusal  to  vote  for  the  Whig  candidate  for  the  Speakership.  —  H.  W.] 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  47 


No  ?     Hez  he  ?     He    haint,   though  ?     Wut  ?     Voted 

agin  him? 
El"  the  bird   of  our  country  could   ketch  him,  she  'd 

skin  him ; 

I  seem  's  though  I  see  her,  with  wrath  in  each  quill, 
Like  a  chancery  lawyer,  afilin'  her  bill, 
An'  grindin'  her  talents  ez  sharp  ez  all  nater, 
To  pounce  like  a  writ  on  the  back  o'  the  traiter. 
Forgive  me,  my  friends,  ef  I  seem  to  be  het, 
But  a  crisis  like  this  must  with  vigor  be  met ; 
Wen  an  Arnold  the  star-spangled  banner  bestains, 
Holl  Fourth  o'  Julys  seem  to  bile  in  my  veins. 

Who  ever  'd  ha'  thought  sech  a  pisonous  rig 

Would  be  run  by  a  chap  thet  wuz  chose  fer  a  Wig  ? 

"  We  knowed  wut  his  principles  wuz  'fore  we  sent  him  "  ? 

Wut  wuz  ther  in  them  from  this  vote  to  pervent  him  ? 

A  marciful  Providunce  fashioned  us  holler 

O'  purpose  thet  we  might  our  principles  swaller ; 

It  can  hold  any  quantity  on  'em,  the  belly  can, 

An'  bring  'em  up  ready  fer  use  like  the  pelican, 


48  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Or  more  like  the  kangaroo,  who  (vvich  is  stranger) 
Puts  her  family  into  her  pouch  wen  there  's  danger. 
Aint  principle  precious  ?    then,  who  's  goin'  to  use  it 
Wen  there  's  resk  o'  some  chap's  gittin'  up  to  abuse  it  ? 
I  can't  tell  the  wy  on  't,  but  nothin'  is  so  sure 
Ez  thet  principle  kind  o'  gits  spiled  by  exposure  ;  * 
A  man  thet  lets  all  sorts  o'  folks  git  a  sight  on  't 
Ough'  to  hev  it  all  took  right  away,  every  mite  on  't ; 
Ef  he  can't  keep  it  all  to  himself  wen  it  's  wise  to, 
He  aint  one  it 's  fit  to  trust  nothin'  so  nice  to. 

Besides,  ther  's  a  wonderful  power  in  latitude 
To  shift  a  man's  morril  relations  an'  attitude  ; 


*  The  speaker  is  of  a  different  mind  from  Tully,  who,  in  his 
recently  discovered  tractate  DeRepublicd,  tells  us, — Nee  vero  habere 
virtutem  satis  est,  quasi  artem  aliquam,  nisi  utare,  and  from  our  Mil 
ton,  who  says,  —  "I  cannot  praise  a  fugitive  and  cloistered  virtue, 
unexercised  and  unbreathed,  that  never  sallies  out  and  sees  her 
adversary,  but  slinks  out  of  the  race  where  that  immortal  garland 
is  to  be  run  for,  not  without  dust  and  heat"  —  Areop.  He  had  taken 
the  words  out  of  the  Roman's  mouth,  without  knowing  it,  and 
might  well  exclaim  with  Austin  (if  a  saint's  name  may  stand 
sponsor  for  a  curse),  Pereant  qui  ante  nos  nostra  dixerint !  —  H.  W. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  49 

Some  flossifers  think  thet  a  fakkilty  's  granted 

The  minnit  it 's  proved  to  be  thoroughly  wanted, 

Thet  a  change  o'  demand  makes  a  change  o'  condition 

An'  thet  everythin'  's  nothin'  except  by  position ; 

Ez,  fer  instance,  thet  rubber-trees  fust  begun  bearin' 

Wen  p'litickle  conshunces  come  into  wearin', — 

Thet  the  fears  of  a  monkey,  whose  holt  chanced  to  fail, 

Drawed  the  vertibry  out  to  a  prehensile  tail ; 

So,  wen  one  's  chose  to  Congriss,  ez  soon  ez  he  's  in  it, 

A  collar  grows  right  round  his  neck  in  a  minnit, 

An'  sartin  it  is  thet  a  man  cannot  be  strict 

In  bein'  himself,  wen  he  gits  to  the  Deestrict, 

Fer  a  coat  thet  sets  wal  here  in  ole  Massachusetts, 

Wen  it  gits  on  to  Washinton,  somehow  askew  sets. 

Resolves,  do  you  say,  o'  the  Springfield  Convention  ? 
Thet 's  percisely  the  pint  I  was  goin'  to  mention ; 
Resolves  air  a  thing  we  most  gen'ally  keep  ill, 
They  're  a  cheap   kind  o'  dust  fer  the  eyes  o'  the 

people ; 

A  parcel  o'  delligits  jest  git  together 
An'  chat  fer  a  spell  o'  the  crops  an'  the  weather, 

4 


50  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Then,  comin'  to  order,  they  squabble  awile 

An'  let  off  the  speeches  they  're  ferful  '11  spile  ; 

Then  —  Resolve,  —  Thet  we  wunt  hev  an  inch  o'  slave 

territory ; 

Thet  President  Folk's  holl    perceedins  air  very  tory  : 
Thet  the  war  's  a  damned  war,  an'  them  thet  enlist  in  it 
Should  hev  a  cravat  with  a  dreffle  tight  twist  in  it ; 
Thet  the  war  is  a  war  fer  the  spreadin'  o'  slavery ; 
Thet  our  army  desarves  our  best  thanks  fer  their  bravery ; 
Thet  we  're  the  original  friends  o'  the  nation, 
All  the  rest  air  a  paltry  an'  base  fabrication ; 
Thet  we  highly  respect  Messrs.  A,  B,  an'  C, 
An'  ez  deeply  despise  Messrs.  E,  F,  an'  G. 
In  this  way  they  go  to  the  eend  o'  the  chapter, 
An'  then  they  bust  out  in  a  kind  of  a  raptur 
About  their  own  vartoo,  an'  folks's  stone-blindness 
To  the  men  thet  'ould  actilly  do  'em  a  kindness, — 
The  American  eagle,  the  Pilgrims  thet  landed, 
Till  on  ole  Plymouth  Rock  they  git  finally  stranded. 
Wai,  the  people  they  listen  and  say,  "  Thet 's  the  ticket 
Ez  fer  Mexico,  t'aint  no  great  glory  to  lick  it, 
But 't  would  be  a  darned  shame  to  go  pullin'  o'  triggers 
To  extend  the  aree  of  abusin'  the  niggers." 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS,  51 

So  they  march  in  percessions,  an'  git  up  hooraws, 
An'  tramp  thru  the  mud  fer  the  good  o'  the  cause, 
An'  think  they  're  a  kind  o'  fulfillin'  the  prophecies, 
Wen  they  're  on'y  jest  changin'  the  holders  of  offices  ; 
Ware  A  sot  afore,  B  is  comf'tably  seated, 
One  humbug  's  victor'ous,  an'  t'other  defeated. 
Each  honnable  doughface  gits  jest  wut  he  axes, 
An'  the  people  —  their  annooal  soft  sodder  an'  taxes. 

Now,  to  keep  unimpaired  all  these  glorious  feeturs 

Thet  characterize  morril  an'  reasonin'  creeturs, 

Thet  give  every  paytriot  all  he  can  cram, 

Thet  oust  the  untrustworthy  Presidunt  Flam, 

And  stick  honest  Presidunt  Sham  in  his  place, 

To  the  manifest  gain  o'  the  holl  human  race, 

An'  to  some  indervidgewals  on  't  in  partickler, 

Who  love  Public  Opinion  an'  know  how  to  tickle  her,  — 

I  say  thet  a  party  with  great  aims  like  these 

Must  stick  jest  ez  close  ez  a  hive  full  o'  bees. 

I  'm  willin'  a  man  should  go  tollable  strong 

Agin  wrong  in  the  abstract,  fer  thet  kind  o'  wron£ 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Is  oilers  unpop'lar  an'  never  gits  pitied, 

Because  it  's  a  crime  no  one  never  committed ; 

But  he  mus'  n't  be  hard  on  partickler  sins, 

Coz  then  he'll  be  kickin'  the  people's  own  shins  ; 

On'y  look  at  the  Demmercrats,  see  wut  they  've  done 

Jest  simply  by  stickin'  together  like  fun  ; 

They  've  sucked  us  right  into  a  mis'able  war 

Thet  no  one  on  airth  aint  responsible  for ; 

They  've  run  us  a  hunderd  cool  millions  in  debt, 

(An'  fer  Demmercrat  Homers  ther  's  good  plums  left  yet ) , 

They  talk  agin  tayriffs,  but  act  fer  a  high  one, 

An'  so  coax  all  parties  to  build  up  their  Zion  ; 

To  the  people  they  're  oilers  ez  slick  ez  molasses, 

An'  butter  their  bread  on  both  sides  with  The  Masses, 

Half  o'  whom  they  've  persuaded,  by  way  of  a  joke, 

Thet  Washinton's  mantelpiece  fell  upon  Polk. 

Now  all  o'  these  blessins  the  Wigs  might  enjoy, 

Ef  they  'd  gumption  enough  the  right  means  to  imploy  ;* 


*  That  was  a  pithy  saying  of  Persius,  and  fits  our  politicians 
without  a  wrinkle, — Magister  artis,  ingeniique  largitor  venter.— 
H.  W. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  53 

Per  the  silver  spoon  born  in  Dermocracy's  mouth 

Is  a  kind  of  a  scringe  thet  they  hev  to  the  South ; 

Their  masters  can  cuss  'em  an'  kick  'em  an'  wale  'em, 

An'  they  notice  it  less  'an  the  ass  did  to  Balaam ; 

In  this  way  they  screw  into  second-rate  offices 

Wich   the  slaveholder  thinks  'ould  substract  too  much 

off  his  ease  ; 

The  file-leaders,  I  mean,  du,  fer  they,  by  their  wiles, 
Unlike  the  old  viper,  grow  fat  on  their  files. 
VVal,  the  Wigs    hev   been  tryin'  to  grab  all  this  prey 

frum  'em 

An'  to  hook  this  nice  spoon  o'  good  fortin'  away  frum  'em, 
An'  they  might  ha'  succeeded,  ez  likely  ez  not, 
In  lickin'  the  Demmercrats  all  round  the  lot, 
Ef   it  warn't  thet,  wile   all  faithful    Wigs  were    their 

knees  on, 

Some  stuffy  old  codger  would  holler  out,  —  "  Treason  ! 
You  must  keep  a  sharp  eye  on  a  dog  thet  hez  bit  you 

once, 

An'  I  uint  agoin'  to  cheat  my  constitoounts,"  — 
Wen  every  fool  knows  thet  a  man  represents 
Not  the  fellers  thet  sent  him,  but  them  on  the  fence, — 


54  THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

Impartially  ready  to  jump  either  side 

An'  make  the  fust  use  of  a  turn  o'  the  tide, — 

The  waiters  on  Providunce  here  in  the  city, 

Who  compose  wut  they  call  a  State  Centerl  Committy. 

Constitoounts  air  hendy  to  help  a  man  in, 

But  arterwards  don't  weigh  the  heft  of  a  pin. 

Wy,  the  people  can't  all  live  on  Uncle  Sam's  pus, 

So  they  've  nothin'  to  du  with  't  fer  better  or  wus ; 

It 's  the  folks  thet  air  kind  o'  brought  up  to  depend  on  't 

Thet  hev  any  consarn  in  't,  an'  thet  is  the  end  on  't. 

Now  here  wuz  New  England  ahevin'  the  honor 

Of  a  chance  at  the  Speakership  showered  upon  her ;  — 

Do  you  say,  — "  She  don't  want  no  more  Speakers, 

but  fewer ; 

She  's  hed  plenty  o'  them,  wut  she  wants  is  a  doer  "  ? 
Fer  the  matter  o'  thet,  it 's  notorous  in  town 
Thet  her  own  representatives  du  her  quite  brown. 
But  thet 's  nothin'  to  du  with  it ;  wut  right  hed  Palfiey 
To  mix  himself  up  with  fanatical  small  fry  ? 
Warn't  we  gittin'  on  prime  with  our  hot  an'  cold  blowin", 
Acondemnin'  the  war  wilst  we  kep'  it  agoin'  ? 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  55 

We  'd  assumed  with  gret  skill  a  commandin'  position, 
On  this  side  or  thet,  no  one  could  n't  tell  wich  one, 
So,  wutever  side  wipped,  we  'd  a  chance  at  the  plunder 
An'  could  sue  fer  infringin'  our  paytented  thunder ; 
We  were  ready  to  vote  fer  whoever  wuz  eligible, 
Ef  on  all  pints  at  issoo  he  'd  stay  unintelligible. 
Wai,  sposin'  we  hed  to  gulp  down   our  perfessions, 
We  were  ready  to  come  out  next  mornin'  with  fres! 

ones; 

Besides,  ef  we  did,  't  was  our  business  alone, 
Fer  could  n't  we  du  wut  we  would  with  our  own  ? 
An'  ef  a  man  can,  wen  pervisions  hev  riz  so, 
Eat  up  his  own  words,  it 's  a  marcy  it  is  so. 

Wy,  these  chaps  frum  the  North,  with  back-bones  to 

'em,  darn  'em, 
'Ould   be  wuth   more   'an  Gennle  Tom  Thumb  is  to 

Barnum ; 

Ther  's  enough  thet  to  office  on  this  very  plan  gr6w, 
By  exhibitin'  how  very  small  a  man  can  grow ; 
But  an  M.  C.  frum  here  oilers  hastens  to  state  he 
Belongs  to  the  order  called  invertebraty, 


56  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Wence  some  gret  filologists  judge  primy  fashy 

Thet  M.  C.  is  M.  T.  by  paronomashy ; 

An'  these  few  exceptions  air  loosus  naytury 

Folks  'ould  put  down  their  quarters  to  stare  at,  like  fury 

It 's  no  use  to  open  the  door  o'  success, 
Ef  a  member  can  bolt  so  fer  nothin'  or  less ; 
Wy,  all  o'  them  grand  constitootional  pillers 
Our  four  fathers  fetched  with  'em  over  the  billers, 
Them  pillers  the  people  so  soundly  hev  slept  on, 
Wile   to  slav'ry,  invasion,  an'  debt  they  were  swept  on, 
Wile  our  Destiny  higher  an'  higher  kep'  mountin', 
(Though   I   guess   folks  '11   stare  wen  she    hends   her 

account  in,) 

Ef  members  in  this  way  go  kickin'  agin  'em, 
They  wunt  hev  so  much  ez  a  feather  left  in  'em. 

An',  ez  fer  this  Palfrey,*  we  thought  wen  we  'd  gut 

him  in, 
He  'd  go  kindly  in  wutever  harness  we  put  him  in ; 

*  There  is  truth  yet  in  this  of  Juvenal,  — 

"  Dat  veniam  corvis,  vexat  cerisura  columbas." 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  57 

Supposin'  we  did  know  thet  he  wuz  a  peace  man  ? 

Doos  he  think  he  can  be  Uncle  Samwell's  policeman, 

An'  wen  Sam  gits  tipsy  an'  kicks  up  a  riot, 

Lead  him  off  to  the  lockup  to  snooze  till  he  's  quiet  ? 

Wy,  the  war  is  a  war  thet  true  paytriots  can  bear,  ef 

It  leads  to  the  fat  promised  land  of  a  tayriff; 

We  don't  go  an'  fight  it,  nor  aint  to  be  driv  on, 

Nor  Demmercrats  nuther,  thet  hev  wut  to  live  on ; 

Ef  it  aint  jest  the  thing  thet 's  well  pleasin'  to  God, 

It  makes  us  thought  highly  on  elsewhere  abroad ; 

The  Rooshian  black  eagle  looks  blue  in  his  eerie 

An'  shakes  both  his  heads  wen  he  hears  o'  Monterry ; 

In  the  Tower  Victory  sets,  all  of  a  fluster, 

An'  reads,  with  locked    doors,  how   we   won  Cherry 

Buster ; 
An'   old   Philip   Lewis  —  thet    come    an'   kep'  school 

here 

Per  the  mere  sake  o'  scorin'  his  ryalist  ruler 
On  the  tenderest  part  of  our  kings  Infuturo  — 
Hides  his  crown  underneath  an  old  shut  in  his  bureau, 
Breaks  off  in  his  brags  to  a  suckle  o'  merry  kings, 
How  he  often  hed  hided  young  native  Amerrikins, 


58  THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

An',  turnin'  quite  faint  in  the  midst  of  his  fooleries, 
Sneaks  down  stairs  to  bolt  the  front  door  o'  the  Tooleries.* 

You  say,  —  "  We1  d  ha'  scared  'em  by  growin'  in  peace, 
A  plaguy  sight  more  then  by  bobberies  like  these"  ? 
Who  is  it  dares  say  thet  "  our  naytional  eagle 
Wun't  much  longer  be  classed  with  the  birds  thet   air 
regal, 


*  Jortin  is  willing  to  allow  of  other  miracles  besides  those  re 
corded  in  Holy  Writ,  and  why  not  of  other  prophecies  ?  It  is 
granting  too  much  to  Satan  to  suppose  him,  as  divers  of  the 
learned  have  done,  the  inspirer  of  the  ancient  oracles.  "Wiser,  I 
esteem  it,  to  give  chance  the  credit  of  the  successful  ones.  What 
is  said  here  of  Louis  Philippe  was  verified  in  some  of  its  minute 
particulars  within  a  few  months'  time.  Enough  to  have  made  the 
fortune  of  Delphi  or  Hammon,  and  no  thanks  to  Beelzebub 
neither  !  That  of  Seneca  in  Medea  will  suit  here  :  — 

"Rapida  fortuna  ac  levis, 
Praecepsque  regno  eripuit,  exsilio  dedit." 

Let  us  allow,  even  to  richly  deserved  misfortune,  our  commis 
eration,  and  be  not  over-hasty  meanwhile  in  our  censure  of  the 
French  people,  left  for  the  first  time  to  govern  themselves,  re 
membering  that  wise  sentence  of  JEschylus,  — 

Se  rpaxys  Saris  av  veov  Kparrj. 

H.  W 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  59 

Coz  theirn  be  hooked  beaks,  an'  she,arter  this  slaughter, 
'11  bring  back  a  bill  ten  times  longer  'n  she  ough'  to  "  ? 
Wut  's  your  name  ?     Come,  I  see  ye,  you  up-country 

feller, 

You  've  put  me  out  severil  times  with  your  beller ; 
Out  with  it !    Wut  ?     Biglow  ?     I  say  nothin'  furder, 
Thet  feller  would  like  nothin'  better  'n  a  murder ; 
He  's  a  traiter,  blasphemer,  an'  wut  ruther  worse  is, 
He  puts  all  his  ath'ism  in  dreffle  bad  verses  ; 
Socity  airit  safe  till  sech  monsters  air  out  on  it, 
Refer  to  the  Post,  ef  you  hev  the  least  doubt  on  it ; 
Wy,  he  goes  agin  war,  agin  indirect  taxes, 
Agin  sellin'  wild  lands  'cept  to  settlers  with  axes, 
Agin    holdin'   o'   slaves,   though    he   knows   it   's   the 

corner 

Our  libbaty  rests  on,  the  mis'able  scorner ! 
In  short,  he  would  wholly  upset  with  his  ravages 
All  thet  keeps  us  above  the  brute  critters  an'  savages, 
An'  pitch  into  all  kinds  o'  briles  an'  confusions 
The  holl  of  our  civilized,  free  institutions ; 
He  writes  fer  thet  rather  unsafe  print,  the  Courier, 
An'  likely  ez  not  hez  a  squintin'  to  Foorier ; 


60  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  '11  be ,  thet  is,  I  mean  I  '11  be  blest, 

Ef  I  hark  to  a  word  frum  so  noted  a  pest ; 
I  shan't  talk  with  Aim,  my  religion  's  too  fervent.  — 
Good    mornin',  my   friends,   I  'm   your   most   humble 
servant. 

[  Into  the  question,  whether  the  ability  to  express  ourselves  in 
articulate  language  has  been  productive  of  more  good  or  evil,  I 
shall  not  here  enter  at  large.  The  two  faculties  of  speech  and 
of  speech-making  are  wholly  diverse  in  their  natures.  By  the  first 
we  make  ourselves  intelligible,  by  the  last  unintelligible,  to  our 
fellows.  It  has  not  seldom  occurred  to  me  (noting  how  in  our 
national  legislature  every  thing  runs  to  talk,  as  lettuces,  if  the 
season  or  the  soil  be  unpropitious,  shoot  up  lankly  to  seed,  instead 
of  forming  handsome  heads)  that  Babel  was  the  first  Congress, 
the  earliest  mill  erected  for  the  manufacture  of  gabble.  In  these 
days,  what  with  Town  Meetings,  School  Committees,  Boards 
(lumber)  of  one  kind  and  another,  Congresses,  Parliaments,  Diets, 
Indian  Councils,  Palavers,  and  the  like,  there  is  scarce  a  village 
which  has  not  its  factories  of  this  description  driven  by  (milk-and-) 
water  power.  I  cannot  conceive  the  confusion  of  tongues  to 
have  been  the  curse  of  Babel,  since  I  esteem  my  ignorance  of 
other  languages  as  a  kind  of  Martello-tower,  in  which  I  am  safe 
from  the  furious  bombardments  of  foreign  garrulity.  For  this 
reason  I  have  ever  preferred  the  study  of  the  dead  languages, 
those  primitive  formations  being  Ararats  upon  whose  silent  peaks 
I  sit  secure  and  watch  this  new  deluge  without  fear,  though  it 
rain  figures  (simulacra,  semblances)  of  speech  forty  days  and 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  61 


nights  together,  as  it  not  uncommonly  happens.  Thus  is  my  coat, 
as  it  were,  without  buttons  by  which  any  but  a  vernacular  wild 
bore  can  seize  me.  Is  it  not  possible  that  the  Shakers  may  intend 
to  convey  a  quiet  reproof  and  hint,  in  fastening  their  outer  gar 
ments  with  hooks  and  eyes  ? 

This  reflection  concerning  Babel,  which  I  find  in  no  Commen 
tary,  was  first  thrown  upon  my  mind  when  an  excellent  deacon 
of  my  congregation  (being  infected  with  the  Second  Advent  delu 
sion)  assured  me  that  he  had  received  a  first  instalment  of  the 
gift  of  tongues  as  a  small  earnest  of  larger  possessions  in  the  like 
kind  to  follow.  For,  of  a  truth,  I  could  not  reconcile  it  with  my 
ideas  of  the  Divine  justice  and  mercy  that  the  single  wall  which 
protected  people  of  other  languages  from  the  incursions  ot  this 
Otherwise  well-meaning  propagandist  should  be  broken  down. 

In  reading  Congressional  debates,  I  have  fancied,  that,  after  the 
subsidence  of  those  painful  buzzings  in  the  brain  which  result 
from  such  exercises,  I  detected  a  slender  residuum  of  valuable  in 
formation.  I  made  the  discovery  that  nothing  takes  longer  in  the 
saying  than  any  thing  else,  for,  as  ex  nihilo  nihiljit,  so  from  one 
polypus  nothing  any  number  of  similar  ones  may  be  produced.  I 
would  recommend  to  the  attention  of  vivd  voce  debaters  and  con 
troversialists  the  admirable  example  of  the  monk  Copres,  who,  in 
the  fourth  century,  stood  for  half  an  hour  in  the  midst  of  a  great 
fire,  and  thereby  silenced  a  Manichaean  antagonist  who  had  less 
of  the  salamander  in  him.  As  for  those  who  quarrel  in  print,  I 
have  no  concern  with  them  here,  since  the  eyelids  are  a  Divinely- 
granted  shield  against  all  such.  Moreover,  I  have  observed  in 
many  modern  books  that  the  printed  portion  is  becoming  gradually 
smaller,  and  the  number  of  blank  or  fly-leaves  (as  they  are 
called)  greater.  Should  this  fortunate  tendency  of  literature  con- 


62  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

tinue,  books  will  grow  more  valuable  from  year  to  year,  and  the 
whole  Serbonian  bog  yield  to  the  advances  of  firm  arable  land. 

I  have  wondered,  in  the  Representatives'  Chamber  of  our  own 
Commonwealth,  to  mark  how  little  impression  seemed  to  be  pro 
duced  by  that  emblematic  fish  suspended  over  the  heads  of  the 
members.  Our  wiser  ancestors,  no  doubt,  hung  it  there  as  being 
the  animal  which  the  Pythagoreans  reverenced  for  its  silence,  and 
which  certainly  in  that  particular  does  not  so  well  merit  the  epithet 
cold-blooded,  by  which  naturalists  distinguish  it,  as  certain  bipeds, 
afflicted  with  ditch-water  on  the  brain,  who  take  occasion  to  tap 
themselves  in  Fanueil  Halls,  meeting-houses,  and  other  places  of 
public  resort.  —  H.  W.] 


No.  V. 
THE  DEBATE  IN  THE  SENNIT. 

SOT   TO   A  NUSRT   RHYME. 

[THE  incident  which  gave  rise  to  the  debate  satirized  in  the  fol 
lowing  verses  was  the  unsuccessful  attempt  of  Drayton  and 
Sayres  to  give  freedom  to  seventy  men  and  women,  fellow-beings 
and  fellow- Christians.  Had  Tripoli,  instead  of  Washington,  been 
the  scene  of  this  undertaking,  the  unhappy  leaders  in  it  would 
have  been  as  secure  of  the  theoretic  as  they  now  are  of  the  prac 
tical  part  of  martyrdom.  I  question  whether  the  Dey  of  Tripoli 
is  blessed  with  a  District  Attorney  so  benighted  as  ours  at  the  seat 
of  government.  Very  fitly  is  he  named  Key,  who  would  allow 
himself  to  be  made  the  instrument  of  locking  the  door  of  hope 
against  sufferers  in  such  a  cause.  Not  all  the  waters  of  the 
ocean  can  cleanse  the  vile  smutch  of  the  jailer's  fingers  from  off 
that  little  Key.  Ahenea  clavis,  a  brazen  Key  indeed  ! 

Mr.  Calhoun,  who  is  made  the  chief  speaker  in  this  burlesque, 
seems  to  think  that  the  light  of  the  nineteenth  century  is  to  be  put 
out  as  soon  as  he  tinkles  his  little  cow-bell  curfew.  Whenever 
slavery  is  touched,  he  sets  up  his  scarecrow  of  dissolving  the 
Union.  This  may  do  for  the  North,  but  I  should  conjecture  that 


64  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


something  more  than  a  pumpkin-lantern  is  required  to  scare  man 
ifest  and  irretrievable  Destiny  out  of  her  path.  Mr.  Calhoun 
cannot  let  go  the  apron-string  of  the  Past.  The  Past  is  a  good 
nurse,  but  we  must  be  weaned  from  her  sooner  or  later,  even 
though,  like  Plotinus,  we  should  run  home  from  school  to  ask  the 
breast,  after  we  are  tolerably  well-grown  youths.  It  will  not  do 
for  us  to  hide  our  faces  in  her  lap,  whenever  the  strange  Future 
holds  out  her  arms  and  asks  us  to  come  to  her. 

But  we  are  all  alike.  We  have  all  heard  it  said,  often  enough, 
that  little  boys  must  not  play  with  fire ;  and  yet,  if  the  matches  be 
taken  away  from  us  and  put  out  of  reach  upon  the  shelf,  we  must 
needs  get  into  our  little  corner,  and  scowl  and  stamp  and  threaten 
the  dire  revenge  of  going  to  bed  without  our  supper.  The  world 
shall  stop  till  we  get  our  dangerous  plaything  again.  Dame 
Earth,  meanwhile,  who  has  more  than  enough  household  matters 
to  mind,  goes  bustling  hither  and  thither  as  a  hiss  or  a  sputter 
tells  her  that  this  or  that  kettle  of  hers  is  boiling  over,  and  before 
bedtime  we  are  glad  to  eat  our  porridge  cold,  and  gulp  down  our 
dignity  along  with  it. 

Mr.  Calhoun  has  somehow  acquired  the  name  of  a  great  states 
man,  and,  if  it  be  great  statesmanship  to  put  lance  in  rest  and  run 
a  tilt  at  the  Spirit  of  the  Age  with  the  certainty  of  being  next- 
moment  hurled  neck  and  heels  into  the  dust  amid  universal 
laughter,  he  deserves  the  title.  He  is  the  Sir  Kay  of  our  modern' 
chivalry.  He  should  remember  the  old  Scandinavian  mythus. 
Thor  was  the  strongest  of  gods,  but  he  could  not  wrestle  with 
Time,  nor  so  much  as  lift  up  a  fold  of  the  great  snake  which 
knit  the  universe  together ;  and  when  he  smote  the  Earth,  though 
with  his  terrible  mallet,  it  was  but  as  if  a  leaf  had  fallen.  Yet  all 
the  while  it  seemed  to  Th^pr  taat  he  had  only  been  wrestling  with 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  65 

an  old  woman,  striving  to  lift  a  cat,  and  striking  a  stupid  giant  on 
the  head. 

And  in  old  times,  doubtless,  the  giants  were  stupid,  and  there 
was  no  better  sport  for  the  Sir  Launcelots  and  Sir  Gawains  than 
to  go  about  cutting  off  their  great  blundering  heads  with  en 
chanted  swords.  But  things  have  wonderfully  changed.  It  is  the 
giants,  now-a-days,  that  have  the  science  and  the  intelligence, 
while  the  chivalrous  Don  Quixotes  of  Conservatism  still  cumber 
themselves  with  the  clumsy  armour  of  a  by-gone  age.  On  whirls 
the  restless  globe  through  unsounded  time,  with  its  cities  and  its 
silences,  its  births  and  funerals,  half  light,  half  shade,  but  never 
wholly  dark,  and  sure  to  swing  round  into  the  happy  morning  at 
last.  With  an  involuntary  smile,  one  sees  Mr.  Calhoun  letting 
slip  his  pack-thread  cable  with  a  crooked  pin  at  the  end  of  it  to 
anchor  South  Carolina  upon  the  bank  and  shoal  of  the  Past. 
—  H.W.] 

TO    MR.    BUCKENAM. 

MR.  EDITER,  As  i  wuz  kinder  prunin  round,  in  a  lit 
tle  nussry  sot  out  a  year  or  2  a  go,  the  Dbait  in  the 
sennit  cum  inter  my  mine  An  so  i  took  &  Sot  it  to  wut 
I  call  a  nussry  rime.  I  hev  made  sum  onnable  Gentle- 
mun  speak  that  dident  speak  in  a  Kind  uv  Poetikul  lie 
sense  the  seeson  is  dreffle  backerd  up  This  way 
ewers  as  ushul 

HOSEA  BIGLOW, 
5 


66  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


"  HERE  we  stan'  on  the  Constitution,  by  thunder  ! 

It  's  a  fact  o'  wich  ther  's  bushils  o'  proofs  ; 
Per  how  could  we  trample  on  't  so,  I  wonder, 
Eft  worn't  thet  it 's  oilers  under  our  hoofs  ?  " 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ; 

"  Human  rights  haint  no  more 
Right  to  come  on  this  floor, 
No  more  'n  the  man  in  the  moon,"  sez  he. 

"  The  North  haint  no  kind  o'  bisness  with  nothin', 
An'  you  've  no  idee  how  much  bother  it  saves ; 
We  aint  none  riled  by  their  frettin'  an'  frothin', 
We  're  used  to  layin'  the  string  on  our  slaves," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
Sez  Mister  Foote, 
"  I  should  like  to  shoot 
The  holl  gang,  by  the  gret  horn  spoon  !  "  sez  he. 

"  Freedom's    Keystone    is    Slavery,   thet   ther   's    no 

doubt  on, 
It 's  sutthin'  thet 's — wha'  d'  ye  call  it  ?  —  divine,  — 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  67 

An'  the  slaves  thet  we  oilers  make  the  most  out  on 
Air  them  north  o'  Mason  an'  Dixon's  line," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he ;  — 
"  Per  all  thet,"  sez  Mangum, 
"  'T  would  be  better  to  hang  'em, 
An'  so  git  red  on  'em  soon,"  sez  he. 

"  The  mass  ough'  to  labor  an'  we  lay  on  soffies, 

Thet 's  the  reason  I  want  to  spread  Freedom's  aree ; 
It  puts  all  the  cunninest  on  us  in  office, 
An'  reelises  our  Maker's  orig'nal  idee," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
"  Thet 's  ez  plain,"  sez  Cass, 
"  Ez  thet  some  one  's  an  ass, 
It 's  ez  clear  ez  the  sun  is  at  noon,"  sez  he. 

"Now   don't   go   to   say  I  'm    the    friend  of  oppres 
sion, 

But  keep  all  your  spare  breath  fer  coolin'  your  broth, 
Per  I  oilers  hev   strove  (at   least  thet  's  my   impres 
sion) 
To  make  cussed  free  with  the  rights  o'  the  North," 


68  THE     B1GLOW    PAPERS. 

Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 

"  Yes,"  sez  Davis  o'  Miss., 

"  The  perfection  o'  bliss 
Is  in  skinnin'  thet  same  old  coon,"  sez  he. 

"  Slavery  's  a  thing  thet  depends  on  complexion, 

It 's  God's  law  thet  fetters  on  black  skins  don't  chafe  ; 
Ef  brains  wuz  to  settle  it  (horrid  reflection !) 
VVich  of  our  onnable  body  'd  be  safe  ?  " 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he;  — 
Sez  Mister  Hannegan, 
Afore  he  began  agin, 
"  Thet  exception  is  quite  oppertoon,"  sez  he. 

"  Gen'nle   Cass,  Sir,  you    need  n't  be  twitchin'  your 

collar, 

Your  merit 's  quite  clear  by  the  dut  on  your  knees, 
At  the  North  we  don't  make  no  distinctions  o'  color ; 
You  can  all  take  a  lick  at  our  shoes  wen  you  please," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
Sez  Mister  Jarnagin, 
"  They  wunt  hev  to  larn  agin, 
They  all  on  'em  know  the  old  toon,"  sez  he. 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  69 

ft  The  slavery  question  aint  no  ways  bewilderin'. 

North  an'  South  hev  one  int'rest,  it 's  plain  to  a  glance  ; 

No' them  men,  like  us  patriarchs,  don't  sell  their  childrin, 

But  they  du  sell   themselves,   ef  they   git   a   good 

chance," 

Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
Sez  Atherton  here, 
"  This  is  gittin'  severe, 
I  wish  I  could  dive  like  a  loon,"  sez  he. 

"  It  '11  break  up  the  Union,  this  talk  about  freedom, 

An'  your  fact'ry  gals  (soon  ez  we  split)  '11  make  head, 
An'  gittin'  some  Miss  chief  or  other  to  lead  'em, 
'11  go  to  work  raisin'  promiscoous  Ned," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
"  Yes,  the  North,"  sez  Colquitt, 
"  Ef  we  Southerners  all  quit, 
Would  go  down  like  a  busted  balloon,"  sez  he. 

"  Jest  look  wut  is  doin',  wut  annyky  's  brewin' 
In  the  beautiful  clime  o'  the  olive  an'  vine, 

All  the  wise  aristoxy  is  tumblin'  to  ruin, 

An'  the  sankylots  drorin'  an'  drinkin'  their  wine,'* 


70  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 

"  Yes,"  sez  Johnson,  "  in  France 
They  're  beginnin'  to  dance 

Beelzebub's  own  rigadoon,"  sez  he. 

u  The  South  's  safe  enough,  it  don't  feel  a  mite  skeery. 

Our  slaves  in  their  darkness  an'  dut  air  tu  blest 
Not  to  welcome  with  proud  hallylugers  the  ery 

Wen  our  eagle  kicks  yourn  from  the  naytional  nest," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ; — 
"  O,"  sez  Westcott  o'  Florida, 
"  Wut  treason  is  horrider 
Then  our  priv'leges  tryin'  to  proon  ?  "  sez  he. 

"  It 's  'coz  they  're  so  happy,  thet,  wen  crazy  sarpints 

Stick  their  nose  in  our  bizness,  we  git  so  darned  riled  ; 
We  think  it 's  our  dooty  to  give  pooty  sharp  hints, 
Thet  the  last  crumb  of  Edin  on  airth  shan't  be  spiled," 
Sez  John  C.  Calhoun,  sez  he  ;  — 
"  Ah,"  sez  Dixon  H.  Lewis, 
"  It  perfectly  true  is 
Thet  slavery  's  airth's  grettest  boon,"  sez  he. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  71 


[It  was  said  of  old  time,  that  riches  have  wings ;  and,  though 
this  be  not  applicable  in  a  literal  strictness  to  the  wealth  of  our 
patriarchal  brethren  of  the  South,  yet  it  is  clear  that  their  posses 
sions  have  legs,  and  an  unaccountable  propensity  for  using  them 
in  a  northerly  direction.  I  marvel  that  the  grand  jury  of  Wash 
ington  did  not  find  a  true  bill  against  the  North  Star  for  aiding 
and  abetting  Drayton  and  Sayres.  It  would  have  been  quite  of  a 
piece  with  the  intelligence  displayed  by  the  South  on  other  ques 
tions  connected  with  slavery.  I  think  that  no  ship  of  state  was 
ever  freighted  with  a  more  veritable  Jonah  than  this  same  domestic 
institution  of  ours.  Mephistopheles  himself  could  not  feign  so  bit 
terly,  so  satirically  sad  a  sight  as  this  of  three  millions  of  human 
beings  crushed  beyond  help  or  hope  by  this  one  mighty  argument, 
—  Our  fathers  knew  no  better  !  Nevertheless,  it  is  the  unavoidable 
destiny  of  Jonahs  to  be  cast  overboard  sooner  or  later.  Or  shall 
we  try  the  experiment  of  hiding  our  Jonah  in  a  safe  place,  that 
none  may  lay  hands  on  him  to  make  jetsam  of  him  ?  Let  us, 
then,  with  equal  forethought  and  wisdom,  lash  ourselves  to  the  an 
chor,  and  await,  in  pious  confidence,  the  certu  n  result.  Perhaps 
our  suspicious  passenger  is  no  Jonah  after  all,  being  black.  For  it 
is  well  known  that  a  superintending  Providence  made  a  kind  of 
sandwich  of  Ham  and  his  descendants,  to  be  devoured  by  the 
Caucasian  race. 

In  God's  name,  let  all,  who  hear  nearer  and  nearer  the  hungry 
moan  of  the  storm  and  the  growl  of  the  breakers,  speak  out ! 
But,  alas  !  we  have  no  right  to  interfere.  If  a  man  pluck  an  ap 
ple  of  mine,  he  shall  be  in  danger  of  the  justice ;  but  if  he  steal 
my  brother,  I  must  be  silent.  Who  says  this  ?  Our  Constitution, 
consecrated  by  the  callous  suetude  of  sixty  years,  and  grasped  in 
triumphant  argument  in  the  left  hand  of  him  wh  *se  right  hand 


72  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


clutches  the  clotted  slave-whip.  Justice,  venerable  with  the  unde 
thronable  majesty  of  countless  aeons,  says, —  SPEAK!  The  Past, 
wise  with  the  sorrows  and  desolations  of  ages,  from  amid  her 
shattered  fanes  and  wolf-housing  palaces,  echoes,  —  SPEAK  ! 
Nature,  through  her  thousand  trumpets  of  freedom,  her  stars,  her 
sunrises,  her  seas,  her  winds,  her  cataracts,  her  mountains  blue 
with  cloudy  pines,  blows  jubilant  encouragement,  and  cries. — 
SPEAK  !  From  the  soul's  trembling  abysses  the  still,  small  voice 
not  vaguely  murmurs,  —  SPEAK  !  But,  alas !  the  Constitution 
and  the  Honorable  Mr.  Bagowind,  M.  C.,  say,  —  BE  DUMB  ! 

It  occurs  to  me  to  suggest,  as  a  topic  of  inquiry  in  this  con 
nection,  whether,  on  that  momentous  occasion  when  the  goats  and 
the  sheep  shall  be  parted,  the  Constitution  and  the  Honorable 
Mr.  Bagowind,  M.  C.,  will  be  expected  to  take  their  places  on  the 
left  as  our  hircine  vicars. 

Quid  sum  miser  tune  dicturus  ? 
Quem  patronum  rogaturus  ? 

There  is  a  point  where  toleration  sinks  into  sheer  baseness  and 
poltroonery.  The  toleration  of  the  worst  leads  us  to  look  on 
\\hat  is  barely  better  as  good  enough,  and  to  worship  what  is  only 
moderately  good.  Woe  to  that  man,  or  that  nation,  to  whom 
mediocrity  has  become  an  ideal! 

Has  our  experiment  of  self-government  succeeded,  if  it  barely 
manage  to  rub  and  go  ?  Here,  now,  is  a  piece  of  barbarism  which 
Christ  and  the  nineteenth  century  say  shall  cease,  and  which 
Messrs.  Smith,  Brown,  and  others  say  shall  not  cease.  I  would 
by  no  means  deny  the  eminent  respectability  of  these  gentlemen, 
but  I  confess,  that,  in  such  a  wrestling-match,  I  cannot  help  hav 
ing  my  fears  for  them. 

Discite  justitiam,  moniti,  et  non  temnere  divas. 

II.  W.] 


No.  VI. 


THE   PIOUS   EDITOR'S  CREED. 

[AT  the  special  instance  of  Mr.  Biglow,  I  preface  the  following 
satire  with  an  extract  from  a  sermon  preached  during  the  past 
summer,  from  Ezekiel  xxxiv.  2:  —  "Son  of  man,  prophesy 
against  the  shepherds  of  Israel."  Since  the  Sabbath  on  which  this 
discourse  was  delivered,  the  editor  of  the  "Jaalam  Independent 
Blunderbuss  "  has  unaccountably  absented  himself  from  our  house 
of  worship. 

"  I  know  of  no  so  responsible  position  as  that  of  the  public  jour 
nalist.  The  editor  of  our  day  bears  the  same  relation  to  his  time 
that  the  clerk  bore  to  the  age  before  the  invention  of  printing. 
Indeed,  the  position  which  he  holds  is  that  which  the  clergyman 
should  hold  even  now.  But  the  clergyman  chooses  to  walk  off  to 
the  extreme  edge  of  the  world,  and  to  throw  such  seed  as  he  has 
clear  over  into  that  darkness  which  he  calls  the  Next  Life.  As  if 
next  did  not  mean  nearest,  and  as  if  any  life  were  nearer  than  that 
immediately  present  one  which  boils  and  eddies  all  around  him  at 
the  caucus,  the  ratification  meeting,  and  the  polls  !  Who  taught 
him  to  exhort  men  to  prepare  for  eternity,  as  for  some  future  era 
of  which  the  present  forms  no  integral  part  ?  The  furrow  which 
Time  is  even  now  turning  runs  through  the  Everlasting,  and  in 
that  must  he  plant,  or  nowhere.  Yet  he  would  fain  believe  and 


74  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


teach  that  we  are  going  to  have  more  of  eternity  than  we  have  now 
This  going  of  his  is  like  that  of  the  auctioneer,  on  which  gone  fol 
lows  before  AVC  have  made  up  our  minds  to  bid,  —  in  which  manner, 
not  three  months  back,  I  lost  an  excellent  copy  of  Chappelow  on 
Job.  So  it  has  come  to  pass  that  the  preacher,  instead  of  being  a 
living  force,  has  faded  into  an  emblematic  figure  at  christenings, 
weddings,  and  funerals.  Or,  if  he  exercise  any  other  function,  it 
is  as  keeper  and  feeder  of  certain  theologic  dogmas,  which,  when 
occasion  offers,  he  unkennels  with  a  staboy !  "  to  bark  and  bite 
as  't  is  their  nature  to,"  whence  that  reproach  of  odium  theologicum 
has  arisen. 

"  Meanwhile,  see  what  a  pulpit  the  editor  mounts  daily,  some 
times  with  a  congregation  of  fifty  thousand  within  reach  of  his 
voice,  and  never  so  much  as  a  nodder,  even,  among  them !  And 
from  what  a  Bible  can  he  choose  his  text,  —  a  Bible  which  needs 
no  translation,  and  which  no  priestcraft  can  shut  and  clasp  from 
the  laity,  —  the  open  volume  of  the  world,  upon  which,  with  a  pen 
3f  sunshine  or  destroying  fire,  the  inspired  Present  is  even  now 
writing  the  annals  of  God !  Methinks  the  editor  who  should  un 
derstand  his  calling,  and  be  equal  thereto,  would  truly  deserve  that 
title  of  TTOL^V  Xacoi>,  which  Homer  bestows'  upon  princes.  He 
would  be  the  Moses  of  our  nineteenth  century,  and  whereas  the 
old  Sinai,  silent  now,  is  but  a  common  mountain  stared  at  by  the 
elegant  tourist  and  crawled  over  by  the  hammering  geologist,  he 
must  find  his  tables  of  the  new  law  here  among  factories  and 
cities  in  this  Wilderness  of  Sin  (Numbers  xxxiii.  12)  called 
Progress  of  Civilization,  and  be  the  captain  of  our  Exodus  into 
the  Canaan  of  a  truer  social  order. 

"  Nevertheless,  our  editor  will  not  come  so  far  within  even  the 
shadow  of  Sinai  as  Mahomet  did,  but  chooses  rather  to  construe 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  75 


Moses  by  Joe  Smith.  He  takes  up  the  crook,  not  that  the  sheep 
may  be  fed,  but  that  he  may  never  want  a  warm  woollen  suit  and 
a  joint  of  mutton. 

Immemor,  O,  fidei,  pecorumque  oblite  tuorum! 

For  which  reason  I  would  derive  the  name  editor  not  so  much 
from  edo,  to  publish,  as  from  edo,  to  eat,  that  being  the  peculiar 
profession  to  which  he  esteems  himself  called.  He  blows  up  the 
flames  of  political  discord  for  no  other  occasion  than  that  he  may 
thereby  handily  boil  his  own  pot.  I  believe  there  are  two  thousand 
of  these  mutton-loving  shepherds  in  the  United  States,  and  of 
these,  how  many  have  even  the  dimmest  perception  of  their  im 
mense  power,  and  the  duties  consequent  thereon  ?  Here  and  there, 
haply,  one.  Nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  labor  to  impress  upon 
the  people  the  great  principles  of  Tweedledum,  and  other  nine 
hundred  and  ninety-nine  preach  with  equal  earnestness  the  gospel 
according  to  Tweedledee."  —  H.  W.] 


I  DU  believe  in  Freedom's  cause, 

Ez  fur  away  ez  Paris  is ; 
I  love  to  see  her  stick  her  claws 

In  them  infarnal  Pharisees  ; 
It 's  wal  enough  agin  a  king 

To  dror  resolves  an'  triggers,  — 
But  libbaty  's  a  kind  o'  thing 

Thet  don't  agree  with  niggers. 


76  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  du  believe  the  people  want 

A  tax  on  teas  an'  coffees, 
Thet  nothin'  aint  extravygunt, — 

Purvidin'  I  'm  in  office  ; 
Fer  I  hev  loved  my  country  sence 

My  eye-teeth  filled  their  sockets, 
An'  Uncle  Sam  I  reverence, 

Partic'larly  his  pockets. 

I  du  believe  in  any  plan 

O'  levyin'  the  taxes, 
Ez  long  ez,  like  a  lumberman, 

I  git  jest  wut  I  axes : 
I  go  free-trade  thru  thick  an'  thin, 

Because  it  kind  o'  rouses 
The  folks  to  vote,  —  an'  keeps  us  in 

Our  quiet  custom-houses. 

I  du  believe  it 's  wise  an'  good 
To  sen'  out  furrin  missions, 

Thet  is,  on  sartin  understood 
An'  orthydox  conditions ;  — 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  77 

I  mean  nine  thousan'  dolls,  per  ann., 

Nine  thousan'  more  fer  outfit, 
An'  me  to  recommend  a  man 

The  place  'ould  jest  about  fit. 

I  du  believe  in  special  ways 

O'  prayin'  an'  convartin' ; 
The  bread  comes  back  in  many  days. 

An'  buttered,  tu,  fer  sartin;  — 
I  mean  in  preyin'  till  one  busts 

On  wut  the  party  chooses, 
An'  in  convartin'  public  trusts 

To  very  privit  uses. 

I  du  believe  hard  coin  the  stuff 

Fer  'lectioneers  to  spout  on ; 
The  people  's  oilers  soft  enough 

To  make  hard  money  out  on ; 
Dear  Uncle  Sam  pervides  fer  his, 

An'  gives  a  good-sized  junk  to  all,  — 
I  don't  care  how  hard  money  is, 

Ez  long  ez  mine  's  paid  punctooal. 


78  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  du  believe  with  all  my  soul 

In  the  gret  Press's  freedom, 
To  pint  the  people  to  the  goal 

An'  in  the  traces  lead  'em  ; 
Palsied  the  arm  thet  forges  yokes 

At  my  fat  contracts  squintin', 
An'  withered  be  the  nose  thet  pokes 

Inter  the  gov'ment  printin' ! 

I  du  believe  thet  I  should  give 

Wut  's  his'n  unto  Caesar, 
Fer  it 's  by  him  I  move  an'  live, 

Frum  him  my  bread  an'  cheese  air  ; 
I  du  believe  thet  all  o'  me 

Doth  bear  his  souperscription,  — 
Will,  conscience,  honor,  honesty, 

An'  things  o'  thet  description. 

I  du  believe  in  prayer  an'  praise 
To  him  thet  hez  the  grantin' 

O'  jobs, —  in  every  thin'  thet  pays, 
But  most  of  all  in  CANTIN'  ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  79 

This  doth  my  cup  with  marcies  fill, 
This  lays  all  thought  o'  sin  to  rest, — 

I  don't  believe  in  princerple, 
But,  O,  I  du  in  interest. 

I  du  believe  in  bein'  this 

Or  thet,  ez  it  may  happen 
One  way  or  t'other  hendiest  is 

To  ketch  the  people  nappin' ; 
It  aint  by  princerples  nor  men 

My  preudunt  course  is  steadied, — 
I  scent  wich  pays  the  best,  an'  then 

Go  into  it  baldheaded. 

I  du  believe  thet  holdin'  slaves 

Comes  nat'ral  tu  a  Presidunt, 
Let  'lone  the  rowdedow  it  saves 

To  hev  a  wal- broke  precedunt ; 
Per  any  office,  small  or  gret, 

I  could  n't  ax  with  no  face, 
Without  I  'd  ben,  thru  dry  an'  wet, 

Th'  unrizzest  kind  o'  doughface. 


80  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

I  du  believe  wutever  trash 

'11  keep  the  people  in  blindness,  — 
Thet  we  the  Mexicuns  can  thrash 

Right  inter  brotherly  kindness, 
Thet  bombshells,  grape,  an'  powder  V  ball 

Air  good-will's  strongest  magnets, 
Thet  peace,  to  make  it  stick  at  all, 

Must  be  druv  in  with  bagnets. 

In  short,  I  firmly  du  believe 

In  Humbug  generally, 
Fer  it 's  a  thing  thet  I  perceive 

To  hev  a  solid  vally ; 
This  heth  my  faithful  shepherd  ben, 

In  pasturs  sweet  heth  led  me, 
An'  this  '11  keep  the  people  green 

To  feed  ez  they  hev  fed  me. 


[  I  subjoin  here  another  passage  from  my  before-mentioned 
discourse. 

"  Wonderful,  to  him  that  has  eyes  to  see  it  rightly,  is  the  news 
paper.     To  me,  for  example,  sitting  on  the  critical  front  bench  of 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  81 


the  pit,  in  my  study  here  in  Jaalam,  the  advent  of  my  weekly 
journal  is  as  that  of  a  strolling  theatre,  or  rather  of  a  puppet- 
show,  on  whose  stage,  narrow  as  it  is.  the  tragedy,  comedy,  and 
farce  of  life  are  played  in  little.  Behold  the  whole  huge  earth 
sent  to  me  hebdomadally  in  a  brown-paper  wrapper ! 

"Hither,  to  my  obscure  corner,  by  wind  or  steam,  on  horse 
back  or  dromedary-back,  in  the  pouch  of  the  Indian  runner,  or 
clicking  over  the  magnetic  wires,  troop  all  the  famous  performers 
from  the  four  quarters  of  the  globe.  Looked  at  from  a  point  of 
criticism,  tiny  puppets  they  seem  all,  as  the  editor  sets  up  his 
booth  upon  my  desk  and  officiates  as  showman.  Now  I  can  truly 
see  how  little  and  transitory  is  life.  The  earth  appears  almost  as 
a  drop  of  vinegar,  on  which  the  solar  microscope  of  the  imagina 
tion  must  be  brought  to  bear  in  order  to  make  out  any  thing  dis 
tinctly.  That  animalcule  there,  in  the  pea-jacket,  is  Louis  Philippe, 
just  landed  on  the  coast  of  England.  That  other,  in  the  gray 
surtout  and  cocked  hat,  is  Napoleon  Bonaparte  Smith,  assuring 
Prance  that  she  need  apprehend  no  interference  from  him  in  the 
present  alarming  juncture.  At  that  spot,  where  you  seem  to  see 
a  speck  of  something  in  motion,  is  an  immense  mass-meeting. 
Look  sharper,  and  you  will  see  a  mite  brandishing  his  mandibles 
in  an  excited  manner.  That  is  the  great  Mr.  Soandso,  defining 
his  position  amid  tumultuous  and  irrepressible  cheers.  That  in 
finitesimal  creature,  upon  whom  some  score  of  others,  as  minute 
as  he,  are  gazing  in  open-mouthed  admiration,  is  a  famous  philos  • 
opher,  expounding  to  a  select  audience  their  capacity  for  the  Infi 
nite.  That  scarce  discernible  pufflet  of  smoke  and  dust  is  a  revo 
lution.  That  speck  there  is  a  reformer,  just  arranging  the  lever 
with  which  he  is  to  move  the  world.  And  lo,  there  creeps  for 
ward  the  shadow  of  a  skeleton  that  blows  one  breath  between  its 


82  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


grinning  teeth,  and  all  our  distinguished  actors  are  whisked  off 
the  slippery  stage  into  the  dark  Beyond. 

"  Yes,  the  little  show-box  has  its  solemner  suggestions.  Now 
and  then  we  catch  a  glimpse  of  a  grim  old  man,  who  lays  down  a 
scythe  and  hour-glass  in  the.  corner  while  he  shifts  the  scenes. 
There,  too,  in  the  dim  back-ground,  a  weird  shape  is  ever  delving 
Sometimes  he  leans  upon  his  mattock,  and  gazes,  as  a  coach 
whirls  by,  bearing  the  newly  married  on  their  wedding  jaunt,  or 
glances  carelessly  at  a  babe  brought  home  from  christening. 
Suddenly  (for  the  scene  grows  larger  and  larger  as  we  look)  a 
bony  hand  snatches  back  a  performer  in  the  midst  of  his  part,  and 
him,  whom  yesterday  two  infinities  (past  and  future)  would  not 
suffice,  a  handful  of  dust  is  enough  to  cover  and  silence  for  ever. 
Nay,  we  see  the  same  fleshless  fingers  opening  to  clutch  the  show 
man  himself,  and  guess,  not  without  a  shudder,  that  they  are  lying 
in  wait  for  spectator  also. 

"  Think  of  it :  for  three  dollars  a  year  I  buy  a  season-ticket  to 
this  great  Globe  Theatre,  for  which  God  would  write  the  dramas 
(only  that  we  like  farces,  spectacles,  and  the  tragedies  of  Apollyon 
better),  whose  scene-shifter  is  Time,  and  whose  curtain  is  rung 
down  by  Death. 

"  Such  thoughts  will  occur  to  me  sometimes  as  I  am  tearing 
off  the  wrapper  of  my  newspaper.  Then  suddenly  that  otherwise 
too  often  vacant  sheet  becomes  invested  for  me  with  a  strange 
kind  of  awe.  Look !  deaths  and  marriages,  notices  of  inventions, 
discoveries,  and  books,  lists  of  promotions,  of  killed,  wounded, 
and  missing,  news  of  fires,  accidents,  of  sudden  wealth  and  as 
sudden  poverty;  —  I  hold  in  my  hand  the  ends  of  myriad  in 
visible  electric  conductors,  along  which  tremble  the  joys,  sorrows, 
WTongs,  triumphs,  hopes,  and  despairs  of  as  many  men  and 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  83 


women  everywhere.  So  that  upon  that  mood  of  mind  which 
seems  to  isolate  me  from  mankind  as  a  spectator  of  their  puppet- 
pranks,  another  supervenes,  in  which  I  feel  that  I,  too,  unknown 
and  unheard  of,  am  yet  of  some  import  to  my  fellows.  For, 
through  my  newspaper  here,  do  not  families  take  pains  to  send 
me,  an  entire  stranger,  news  of  a  death  among  them  ?  Are  not 
here  two  who  would  have  me  know  of  their  marriage  ?  And, 
strangest  of  all,  is  not  this  singular  person  anxious  to  have  me  in 
formed  that  he  has  received  a  fresh  supply  of  Dimitry  Bruisgins  ? 
But  to  none  of  us  does  the  Present  (even  if  for  a  moment  dis 
cerned  as  such)  continue  miraculous.  We  glance  carelessly  at 
the  sunrise,  and  get  used  to  Orion  and  the  Pleiades.  The  wonder 
wears  off.  and  to-morrow  this  sheet,  in  which  a  vision  was  let 
down  to  me  from  Heaven,  shall  be  the  wrappage  to  a  bar  of  soap 
or  die  platter  for  a  beggar's  broken  victuals."  —  H.  W.] 


No.  VII. 


A    LETTER 

FROM  A  CANDIDATE  FOR  THE  PRESIDENCY  IN  ANSWER 
TO  SUTTIN  QUESTIONS  PROPOSED  BY  MR.  HOSEA  BIG- 
LOW,  INCLOSED  IN  A  NOTE  FROM  MR.  BIGLOW  TO 
S.  H.  GAY,  ESQ.,  EDITOR  OF  THE  NATIONAL  ANTI- 
SLAVERY  STANDARD. 

[CURIOSITY  may  be  said  to  be  the  quality  which  preeminently 
distinguishes  and  segregates  man  from  the  lower  animals.  As  we 
trace  the  scale  of  animated  nature  downward,  we  find  this  faculty 
of  the  mind  (as  it  may  truly  be  called)  diminished  in  the  savage, 
and  quite  extinct  in  the  brute.  The  first  object  which  civilized 
man  proposes  to  himself  I  take  to  be  the  finding  out  whatsoever 
he  can  concerning  his  neighbours.  Nihil  humanum  a  me  alienum 
puto ;  I  am  curious  about  even  John  Smith.  The  desire  next  in 
strength  to  this  (an  opposite  pole,  indeed,  of  the  same  magnet)  is 
that  of  communicating  intelligence. 

Men  in  general  may  be  divided  into  the  inquisitive  and  the 
communicative.  To  the  first  class  belong  Peeping  Toms,  eaves 
droppers,  navel-contemplating  Brahmins,  metaphysicians,  travel- 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  85 


lers,  Empedocleses,  spies,  the  various  societies  for  promoting 
Rhinothism,  Columbuses,  Yankees,  discoverers,  and  men  of 
science,  who  present  themselves  to  the  mind  as  so  many  marks 
of  interrogation  wandering  up  and  down  the  world,  or  sitting  in 
studies  and  laboratories.  The  second  class  I  should  again  sub 
divide  into  four.  In  the  first  subdivision  I  would  rank  those  who 
have  an  itch  to  tell  us  about  themselves,  —  as  keepers  of  diaries, 
insignificant  persons  generally,  Montaignes,  Horace  Walpoles, 
autobiographers,  poets.  The  second  includes  those  who  are  anx 
ious  to  impart  information  concerning  other  people,  —  as  historians, 
barbers,  and  such.  To  the  third  belong  those  who  labor  to  giro 
us  intelligence  about  nothing  at  all,  —  as  novelists,  political  orators, 
the  large  majority  of  authors,  preachers,  lecturers,  and  the  like. 
In  the  fourth  come  those  who  are  communicative  from  motives 
of  public  benevolence,  —  as  finders  of  mares'-nests  and  bringers 
of  ill  news.  Each  of  us  two-legged  fowls  without  feathers  em 
braces  all  these  subdivisions  in  himself  to  a  greater  or  less  d,e- 
gree,  for  none  of  us  so  much  as  lays  an  egg,  or  incubates  a 
chalk  one,  but  straightway  the  whole  barn-yard  shall  know  it 
by  our  cackle  or  our  cluck.  Omnibus  hoc  vitium  est.  There 
are  different  grades  in  all  these  classes.  One  will  turn  his  tel 
escope  toward  a  back-yard,  another  toward  Uranus ;  one  will 
tell  you  that  he  dined  with  Smith,  another  that  he  supped  with 
Plato.  In  one  particular,  all  men  may  be  considered  as  belonging 
to  the  first  grand  division,  inasmuch  as  they  all  seem  equally  de 
sirous  of  discovering  the  mote  in  their  neighbour's  eye. 

To  one  or  another  of  these  species  every  human  being  may 
safely  be  referred.  I  think  it  beyond  a  peradventure  that  Jonah 
prosecuted  some  inquiries  into  the  digestive  apparatus  of  whales, 
and  that  Noah  scaled  up  a  letter  in  an  empty  bottle,  that  news  in 


86  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


regard  to  him  might  not  be  wanting  in  case  of  the  worst.  They 
had  else  been  super  or  subter  human.  I  conceive,  also,  that,  as 
there  are  certain  persons  who  continually  peep  and  piy  at  the 
key-hole  of  that  mysterious  door  through  which,  sooner  or  later, 
we  all  make  our  exits,  so  there  are  doubtless  ghosts  fidgetting  and 
fretting  on  the  other  side  of  it,  because  they  have  no  means 
of  conveying  back  to  the  world  the  scraps  of  news  they  have 
picked  up.  For  there  is  an  answer  ready  somewhere  to  every 
question,  the  great  law  of  give  and  take  runs  through  all  na 
ture,  and  if  we  see  a  hook,  we  may  be  sure  that  an  eye  is  waiting 
for  it.  I  read  in  every  face  I  meet  a  standing  advertisement 
of  information  wanted  in  regard  to  A.  B.,  or  that  the  friends  of 
C.  D.  can  hear  of  him  by  application  to  such  a  one. 

It  was  to  gratify  the  two  great  passions  of  asking  and  an 
swering  that  epistolary  correspondence  was  first  invented.  Let 
ters  (for  by  this  usurped  title  epistles  are  now  commonly  known) 
are  of  several  kinds.  First,  there  are  those  which  are  not  letters 
at  all,  —  as  letters  patent,  letters  dimissory,  letters  inclosing  bills, 
letters  of  administration,  Pliny's  letters,  letters  of  diplomacy,  of 
Cato,  of  Mentor,  of  Lords  Lyttelton,  Chesterfield,  and  Orrery, 
of  Jacob  Behmen,  Seneca  (whom  St.  Jerome  includes  in  his 
list  of  sacred  writers),  letters  from  abroad,  from  sons  in  college 
to  their  fathers,  letters  of  marque,  and  letters  generally,  which 
are  in  no  wise  letters  of  mark.  Second,  are  real  letters,  such 
as  those  of  Gray,  Cowper,  Walpole,  Howel,  Lamb,  the  first  let 
ters  from  children  (printed  in  staggering  capitals)  Letters  from 
New  York,  letters  of  credit,  and  others,  interesting  for  the  sake  of 
the  writer  or  the  thing  written.  I  have  read  also  letters  from 
Europe  by  a  gentleman  named  Pinto,  containing  some  curious 
gossip,  and  which  I  hope  to  see  collected  for  the  benefit  of  the 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  87 


curious.  There  are,  besides,  letters  addressed  to  posterity,  —  as 
epitaphs,  for  example,  written  for  their  own  monuments  by  mon- 
archs,  whereby  we  have  lately  become  possessed  of  the  names 
of  several  great  conquerors  and  kings  of  kings,  hitherto  unheard 
of  and  still  unpronounceable,  but  valuable  to  the  student  of  the 
entirely  dark  ages.  The  letter  which  St.  Peter  sent  to  King 
Pepin  in  the  year  of  grace  755  I  would  place  in  a  class  by  it 
self,  as  also  the  letters  of  candidates,  concerning  which  I  shall 
dilate  more  fully  in  a  note  at  the  end  of  the  following  poem. 
At  present,  sat  prata  biberunt.  Only,  concerning  the  shape  of  let 
ters,  they  are  all  either  square  or  oblong,  to  which  general  figures 
circular  letters  and  round-robins  also  conform  themselves.— 
H.W.] 


DEER  SIR  its  gut  to  be  the  fashun  now  to  rite  letters 
to  the  candid  8s  and  i  wus  chose  at  a  publick  Meetin  in 
Jaalam  to  du  wut  wus  nessary  fur  that  town,  i  writ 
to  271  ginerals  and  gut  ansers  to  209.  tha  air  called 
candid  8s  but  I  don't  see  nothin  candid  about  em.  this 
here  1  wich  I  send  wus  thought  satty's  factory.  I 
dunno  as  it's  ushle  to  print  Poscrips,  but  as  all  the  an 
sers  I  got  hed  the  saim,  I  sposed  it  wus  best,  times 
has  gretly  changed.  Formaly  to  knock  a  man  into  a 
cocked  hat  wus  to  use  him  up,  but  now  it  ony  gives  him 
a  chance  fur  the  cheef  madgustracy. —  H.  B. 


88  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

DEAR  SIR,  —  You  wish  to  know  my  notions 

On  sartin  pints  thet  rile  the  land  ; 
There  's  nothin'  thet  my  natur  so  shuns 

Ez  bein'  mum  or  underhand  ; 
I  'm  a  straight-spoken  kind  o'  creetur 

Thet  blurts  right  out  wut  's  in  his  head, 
An'  ef  I  've  one  pecooler  feetur, 

It  is  a  nose  thet  wunt  be  led. 

So,  to  begin  at  the  beginning 

An'  come  direcly  to  the  pint, 
I  think  the  country's  underpinnin' 

Is  some  consid'ble  out  o'  jint ; 
I  aint  agoin'  to  try  your  patience 

By  tellin'  who  done  this  or  thet, 
I  don't  make  no  insinooations, 

I  jest  let  on  I  smell  a  rat. 

Thet  is,  I  mean,  it  seems  to  me  so, 
But,  ef  the  public  think  I  'm  wrong, 

I  wunt  deny  but  wut  I  be  so,  — 

An,'   fact,  it  don't  smell  very  strong; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  89 

My  mind  's  tu  fair  to  lose  its  balance 
An'  say  wich  party  hez  most  sense  ; 

There  may  be  folks  o'  greater  talence 
Thet  can't  set  stiddier  on  the  fence. 

I  'm  an  eclectic  ;  ez  to  choosin' 

'Twixt  this  an'  thet,  I  'm  plaguy  lawth ; 
I  leave  a  side  thet  Ipoks  like  losin', 

But  (wile  there  's  doubt)  I  stick  to  both  ; 
I  stan'  upon  the  Constitution, 

Ez  preudunt  statesmun  say,  who  've  planned 
A  way  to  git  the  most  profusion 

O'  chances  ez  to  ware  they  '11  stand. 

Ez  fer  the  war,  I  go  agin  it,  — 

I  mean  to  say  I  kind  o'  du, — 
Thet  is,  I  mean  thet,  bein'  in  it, 

The  best  way  wuz  to  fight  it  thru ; 
Not  but  wut  abstract  war  is  horrid, 

I  sign  to  thet  with  all  my  heart, — 
But  civlyzation  doos  git  forrid 

Sometimes  upon  a  powder-cart. 


90  THE    BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

About  thet  darned  Proviso  matter 

I  never  bed  a  grain  o'  doubt, 
Nor  I  aint  one  my  sense  to  scatter 

So  's  no  one  could  n't  pick  it  out ; 
My  love  fer  North  an'  Soutb  is  equil, 

So  I  '11  jest  answer  plump  an1  frank, 
No  matter  wut  may  be  tbe  sequil,  — 

Yes,  Sir,  I  am  agin  a  Bank. 

Ez  to  tbe  answerin'  o'  questions, 

I  'm  an  off  ox  at  bein'  druv, 
Though  I  aint  one  thet  ary  test  shuns 

'II  give  our  folks  a  helpin'  shove ; 
Kind  o'  promiscoous  I  go  it 

Fer  the  holl  country,  an'  the  ground 
I  take,  ez  nigh  ez  I  can  show  it, 

Is  pooty  gen'ally  all  round. 

I  don't  appruve  o'  givin'  pledges ; 

You  'd  ough'  to  leave  a  feller  free, 
An'  not  go  knockin'  out  the  wedges 

To  ketch  his  fingers  in  the  tree ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  91 

Pledges  air  awfle  breachy  cattle 

Thet  preudunt  farmers  don't  turn  out,  — 

Ez  long  'z  the  people  git  their  rattle, 
Wut  is  there  fer  'm  to  grout  about  ? 

Ez  to  the  slaves,  there  's  no  confusion 

In  my  idees  consarnin'  them,  — 
I  think  they  air  an  Institution, 

A  sort  of —  yes,  jest  so, —  ahem : 
Do  I  own  any  ?     Of  my  merit 

On  thet  pint  you  yourself  may  jedge  ; 
All  is,  I  never  drink  no  sperit, 

Nor  I  haint  never  signed  no  pledge. 

Ez  to  my  principles,  I  glory 

In  hevin'  nothin'  o'  the  sort ; 
I  aint  a  Wig,  I  aint  a  Tory, 

I  'm  jest  a  candidate,  in  short ; 
Thet  's  fair  an'  square  an'  parpendicler, 

But,  ef  the  Public  cares  a  fig 
To  hev  me  an'  thin'  in  particler, 

Wy,  I  'm  a  kind  o'  peri-wig. 


92  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

P.  S. 

Ez  we  're  a  sort  o'  privateerin', 

O'  course,  you  know,  it 's  sheer  an'  sheer, 
An'  there  is  sutthin'  wuth  your  hearin' 

I  '11  mention  in  your  privit  ear  ; 
Ef  you  git  me  inside  the  White  House, 

Your  head  with  ile  I  '11  kin'  o'  'nint 
By  gittin'  you  inside  the  Light-house 

Down  to  the  eend  o'  Jaalam  Pin*. 

An'  ez  the  North  hez  took  to  brustlin' 

At  bein'  scrouged  frum  off  the  roost, 
I  '11  tell  ye  wut  '11  save  all  tusslin' 

An'  give  our  side  a  harnsome  boost,  — 
Tell  'em  thet  on  the  Slavery  question 

I  'm  RIGHT,  although  to  speak  I  'm  lawth ; 
This  gives  you  a  safe  pint  to  rest  on, 

An'  leaves  me  frontin'  South  by  North. 


[And  now  of  epistles  candidatial,  which  are  of  two  kinds,  — 
namely,  letters  of  acceptance,  and  letters  definitive  of  position. 
Our  republic,  on  the  eve  of  an  election,  may  safely  enough  be 
called  a  republic  of  letters.  Epistolary  composition  becomes  then 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  93 

an  epidemic,  which  seizes  one  candidate  after  another,  not  seldom, 
cutting  short  the  thread  of  political  life.  It  has  come  to  such  a 
pass,  that  a  party  dreads  less  the  attacks  of  its  opponents  than  a 
letter  from  its  candidate.  Litera  scripta  manet,  and  it  will  go  hard 
if  something  bad  cannot  be  made  of  it.  General  Harrison,  it  is 
well  understood,  was  surrounded,  during  his  candidacy,  with  the 
cordon  sanitaire  of  a  vigilance  committee.  No  prisoner  in  Spiel 
berg  was  ever  more  cautiously  deprived  of  writing  materials. 
The  soot  was  scraped  carefully  from  the  chimney-places ;  out 
posts  of  expert  rifle-shooters  rendered  it  sure  death  for  any  goose 
(who  came  clad  in  feathers)  to  approach  within  a  certain  limited 
distance  of  North  Bend ;  and  all  domestic  fowls  about  the  prem 
ises  were  reduced  to  the  condition  of  Plato's  original  man.  By 
these  precautions  the  General  was  saved.  Parva  componere  mag- 
nis,  I  remember,  that,  when  party-spirit  once  ran  high  among  my 
people,  upon  occasion  of  the  choice  of  a  new  deacon,  I,  having 
my  preferences,  yet  not  caring  too  openly  to  express  them,  made 
use  of  an  innocent  fraud  to  bring  about  that  result  which  I  deem 
ed  most  desirable.  My  stratagem  was  no  other  than  the  throwing 
a  copy  of  the  Complete  Letter- Writer  in  the  way  of  the  candi 
date  whom  I  wished  to  defeat.  He  caught  the  infection,  and  ad 
dressed  a  short  note  to  his  constituents,  in  which  the  opposite 
party  detected  so  many  and  so  grave  improprieties,  (he  had  mod 
elled  it  upon  the  letter  of  a  young  lady  accepting  a  proposal  of 
marriage,)  that  he  not  only  lost  his  election,  but,  falling  under  a 
suspicion  of  Sabellianism  and  I  know  not  what,  (the  widow  En 
dive  assured  me  that  he  *was  a  Paralipomenon,  to  her  certain 
knowledge,)  was  forced  to  leave  the  town.  Thus  it  is  that  the 
letter  killcth. 

The  object  which  candidates  propose  to  themselves  in  writing  is 


94  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 


to  convey  no  meaning  at  all.  And  here  is  a  quite  unsuspected 
pitfall  into  which  they  successively  plunge  headlong.  For  it  is 
precisely  in  such  cryptographies  that  mankind  are  prone  to  seek 
for  and  find  a  wonderful  amount  and  variety  of  significance. 
Omne  ignotum  pro  mirifico.  How  do  we  admire  at  the  antique 
world  striving  to  crack  those  oracular  nuts  from  Delphi,  Ham- 
mon,  and  elsewhere,  in  only  one  of  which  can  I  so  much  as  sur 
mise  that  any  kernel  had  ever  lodged ;  that,  namely,  wherein 
Apollo  confessed  that  he  was  mortal.  One  Didymus  is,  moreover, 
related  to  have  written  six  thousand  books  on  the  single  subject 
of  grammar,  a  topic  rendered  only  more  tenebrific  by  the  labors 
of  his  successors,  and  which  seems  still  to  possess  an  attraction 
for  authors  in  proportion  as  they  can  make  nothing  of  it.  A  sin 
gular  loadstone  for  theologians,  also,  is  the  Beast  in  the  Apoca 
lypse,  whereof,  in  the  course  of  my  studies,  I  have  noted  two 
hundred  and  three  several  interpretations,  each  lethiferal  to  all  the 
rest.  Non  nostrum  est  iantas  componere  lites,  yet  I  have  myself  ven 
tured  upon  a  two  hundred  and  fourth,  which  I  embodied  in  a  dis 
course  preached  on  occasion  of  the  demise  of  the  late  usurper, 
Napoleon  Bonaparte,  and  which  quieted,  in  a  large  measure,  the 
minds  of  my  people.  It  is  true  that  my  views  on  this  important 
point  were  ardently  controverted  by  Mr.  Shearjashub  Holden,  the 
then  preceptor  of  our  academy,  and  in  other  particulars  a  very 
deserving  and  sensible  young  man,  though  possessing  a  somewhat 
limited  knowledge  of  the  Greek  tongue.  But  his  heresy  struck 
down  no  deep  root,  and,  he  having  been  lately  removed  by  the 
hand  of  Providence,  I  had  the  satisfaction  of  reaffirming  my 
cherished  sentiments  in  a  sermon  preached  upon  the  Lord's  day 
immediately  succeeding  his  funeral.  This  might  seem  like  taking 
an  unfair  advantage,  did  I  not  add  that  he  had  made  provision  in 


THE     B1GLOW    PAPEHfc.  95 

his  last  will  (being  celibate)  for  the  publication  of  a  posthumous 
tractate  in  support  of  his  own  dangerous  opinions. 

I  know  of  nothing  in  our  modern  times  which  approaches  so 
nearly  to  the  ancient  oracle  as  the  letter  of  a  Presidential  candi 
date.  Now,  among  the  Greeks,  the  eating  of  beans  was  strictly 
forbidden  to  all  such  as  had  it  in  mind  to  consult  those  expert 
amphibologists,  and  this  same  prohibition  on  the  part  of  Pythago 
ras  to  his  disciples  is  understood  to  imply  an  abstinence  from 
politics,  beans  having  been  used  as  ballots.  That  other  explica 
tion,  quod  videlicet  sensus  eo  cibo  obtundi  existimaret,  though  sup 
ported  pugnis  et  calcibus  by  many  of  the  learned,  and  not  wanting 
the  countenance  of  Cicero,  is  confuted  by  the  larger  experience 
of  New  England.  On  the  whole,  I  think  it  safer  to  apply  here 
the  rule  of  interpretation  which  now  generally  obtains  in  regard 
to  antique  cosmogonies,  myths,  fables,  proverbial  expressions,  and 
knotty  points  generally,  which  is,  to  find  a  common-sense  mean 
ing,  and  then  select  whatever  can  be  imagined  the  most  opposite 
thereto.  In  this  way  we  arrive  at  the  conclusion,  that  the  Greeks 
objected  to  the  questioning  of  candidates.  And  very  properly,  if, 
as  I  conceive,  the  chief  point  be  not  to  discover  what  a  person  in 
that  position  is,  or  what  he  will  do,  but  whether  he  can  be  elect 
ed.  Vbs  exemplarla  Grceca  nocturna  versate  manu,  versate  diurna. 

But,  since  an  imitation  of  the  Greeks  in  this  particular  (the 
asking  of  questions  being  one  chief  privilege  of  freemen)  is  hard 
ly  to  be  hoped  for,  and  our  candidates  will  answer,  whether  they 
are  questioned  or  not,  I  would  recommend  that  these  ante- 
electionary  dialogues  should  be  carried  on  by  symbols,  as  were 
the  diplomatic  correspondences  of  the  Scythians  and  Macrobii,  or 
confined  to  the  language  of  signs,  like  the  famous  interview  of 
Panurge  and  Goatsnose.  A  candidate  might  then  convey  a  suit- 


96  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


able  reply  to  all  committees  of  inquiry  by  closing  one  eye,  or  by 
presenting  them  with  a  phial  of  Egyptian  darkness  to  be  specu 
lated  upon  by  their  respective  constituencies.  These  answers 
would  be  susceptible  of  whatever  retrospective  construction  the 
exigencies  of  the  political  campaign  might  seem  to  demand,  and 
the  candidate  could  take  his  position  on  either  side  of  the  fence 
with  entire  consistency.  Or,  if  letters  must  be  written,  profitable 
use  might  be  made  of  the  Dighton  rock  hieroglyphic  or  the 
cuneiform  script,  every  fresh  decipherer  of  which  is  enabled  to 
educe  a  different  meaning,  whereby  a  sculptured  stone  or  two 
supplies  us,  and  will  probably  continue  to  supply  posterity,  with  a 
very  vast  and  various  body  of  authentic  history.  For  even  the 
briefest  epistle  in  the  ordinary  chirography  is  dangerous.  There 
is  scarce  any  style  so  compressed  that  superfluous  words  may  not 
be  detected  in  it.  A  severe  critic  might  curtail  that  famous  brevi 
ty  of  Csesar's  by  two  thirds,  drawing  his  pen  through  the  super 
erogatory  veni  and  vidi.  Perhaps,  after  all,  the  surest  footing  of 
hope  is  to  be  found  in  the  rapidly  increasing  tendency  to  demand 
less  and  less  of  qualification  in  candidates.  Already  have  states 
manship,  experience,  and  the  possession  (nay,  the  profession, 
even)  of  principles  been  rejected  as  superfluous,  and  may  not  the 
patriot  reasonably  hope  that  the  ability  to  write  will  follow  ?  At 
present,  there  may  be  death  in  pot-hooks  as  well  as  pots,  the  loop 
of  a  letter  may  suffice  for  a  bow-string,  and  all  the  dreadful 
heresies  of  Antislavery  may  lurk  in  a  flourish.  —  H.  W.] 


No.   VIll. 


A  SECOND  LETTER  FROM  B.  SAWIN,  ESQ. 

[IN  the  following  epistle,  we  behold  Mr.  Sawin  returning,  a 
miles  emeritus,  to  the  bosom  of  his  family.  Quantum  mutatus! 
The  good  Father  of  us  all  had  doubtless  intrusted  to  the  keeping 
of  this  child  of  his  certain  faculties  of  a  constructive  kind.  He 
had  put  in  him  a  share  of  that  vital  force,  the  nicest  economy 
of  every  minute  atom  of  which  is  necessary  to  the  perfect  devel 
opment  of  Humanity.  He  had  given  him  a  brain  and  heart,  and 
so  had  equipped  his  soul  with  the  two  strong  wings  of  knowledge 
and  love,  whereby  it  can  mount  to  hang  its  nest  under  the  eaves 
of  heaven.  And  this  child,  so  dowered,  he  had  intrusted  to  the 
keeping  of  his  vicar,  the  State.  How  stands  the  account  of  that 
stewardship  ?  The  State,  or  Society,  (call  her  by  what  name  you 
will,)  had  taken  no  manner  of  thought  of  him  till  she  saw  him 
swept  out  into  the  street,  the  pitiful  leavings  of  last  night's  de 
bauch,  with  cigar-ends,  lemon-parings,  tobacco-quids,  slops,  vile 
stenches,  and  the  whole  loathsome  next-morning  of  the  bar-room, 
—  an  own  child  of  the  Almighty  God !  I  remember  him  as  he 
was  brought  to  be  christened,  a  ruddy,  rugged  babe ;  and  now  there 
he  wallows,  reeking,  seething,  —  the  dead  corpse,  not  of  a  man,  but 
7 


98  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


of  a  soul,  —  a  putrefying  lump,  horrible  for  the  life  that  is  in  it. 
Comes  the  wind  of  heaven,  that  good  Samaritan,  and  parts  the 
hair  upon  his  forehead,  nor  is  too  nice  to  kiss  those  parched, 
cracked  lips  ;  the  morning  opens  upon  him  her  eyes  full  of  pity 
ing  sunshine,  the  sky  yearns  down  to  him,  —  and  there  he  lies  fer 
menting.  O  sleep !  let  me  not  profane  thy  holy  name  by  calling 
that  stertorous  unconsciousness  a  slumber!  By  and  by  cornes 
along  the  State,  God's  vicar.  Does  she  say,  —  "  My  poor,  forlorn 
foster-child  !  Behold  here  a  force  which  I  will  make  dig  and  plant 
and  build  for  me  "  1  Not  so,  but,  —  "  Here  is  a  recruit  ready-made 
to  my  hand,  a  piece  of  destroying  energy  lying  unprofitably  idle." 
So  she  claps  an  ugly  gray  suit  on  him,  puts  a  musket  in  his  grasp, 
and  sends  him  off,  with  Gubernatorial  and  other  godspeeds,  to  do 
duty  as  a  destroyer. 

I  made  one  of  the  crowd  at  the  last  Mechanics'  Fair,  and,  with 
the  rest,  stood  gazing  in  wonder  at  a  perfect  machine,  with  its  soul 
of  fire,  its  boiler-heart  that  sent  the  hot  blood  pulsing  along  the 
iron  arteries,  and  its  thews  of  steel.  And  while  I  was  admir 
ing  the  adaptation  of  means  to  end,  the  harmonious  involutions 
of  contrivance,  and  the  never-bewildered  complexity,  I  saw  a 
grimed  and  greasy  fellow,  the  imperious  engine's  lackey  and 
drudge,  whose  sole  office  was  to  let  fall,  at  intervals,  a  drop  or  two 
of  oil  upon  a  certain  joint.  Then  my  soul  said  within  me,  See 
there  a  piece  of  mechanism  to  which  that  other  you  marvel  at  is 
but  as  the  rude  first  effort  of  a  child,  —  a  force  which  not  merely 
suffices  to  set  a  few  wheels  in  motion,  but  which  can  send  an  im 
pulse  all  through  the  infinite  future,  —  a  contrivance,  not  for  turn 
ing  out  pins,  or  stitching  button-holes,  but  for  making  Hamlets  and 
Lears.  And  yet  this  thing  of  iron  shall  be  housed,  waited  on, 
guarded  from  rust  and  dust,  and  it  shall  be  a  crime  but  so  much 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  99 


as  to  scratch  it  with  a  pin ;  while  the  other,  with  its  fire  of  God  in 
it,  shall  be  buffeted  hither  and  thither,  and  finally  sent  carefully  a 
thousand  miles  to  be  the  target  for  a  Mexican  cannon-ball.  Un 
thrifty  Mother  State !  My  heart  burned  within  me  for  pity  and 
indignation,  and  I  renewed  this  covenant  with  my  own  soul,  — 
In  aliis  mansuetus  ero,  at,  in  blasphemiis  contra  Christum,  non  ita.  — 
H.  W.] 


I  SPOSE  you  wonder  ware  I  be  ;  I  can't  tell,  fer  the  soul 

o'  me, 
Exacly  ware  I  be  myself,  —  meanin'  by  thet  the  holl 

o'  me. 
Wen  I  left  hum,  I  hed  two  legs,  an'  they  worn't  bad 

ones  neither, 
(The  scaliest  trick  they  ever  played  wuz  bringin'  on  me 

hither,) 
Now  one  on  'em 's  I  dunno  ware ;  —  they  thought  I  wuz 

adyin', 
An'  sawed  it  off  because  they  said  'twuz  kin'  o'  mor- 

tifyin' ; 

I  'm  willin'  to  believe  it  wuz,  an'  yit  I  don't  see,nuther, 
Wy  one  should  take  to  feelin'  cheap  a  minnit  sooner  'n 

t'other, 


100  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Sence   both  wuz   equilly  to   blame ;   but  things  is   ez 

they  be ; 
It   took   on  so  they  took   it  off,  an'   thet   's    enough 

fer  me : 
There  's  one  good  thing,  though,  to  be  said  about  my 

wooden  new  one, — 
The   liquor  can't  git  into  it  ez  't  used  to  in  the  true 

one ; 
So  it  saves  drink ;  an'  then,  besides,  a  feller  could  n't 

beg 

A  gretter  blessin'  then  to  hev  one  oilers  sober  peg ; 
It 's  true  a  chap  's  in  want  o'  two  fer  follerin'  a  drum, 
But  all  the  march  I  'm  up  to  now  is  jest  to  Kingdom 

Come. 

I  've  lost  one  eye,  but  thet 's  a  loss  it's  easy  to  supply 
Out  o'  the  glory  thet  I  've  gut,  fer  thet  is  all  my  eye ; 
An'  one  is  big  enough,  I  guess,  by  diligently  usin'  it, 
To  see  all  I  shall  ever  git  by  way  o'  pay  fer  losin'  it ; 
Off'cers,  I  notice,  who  git  paid  fer  all  our  thumps  an' 

kickins, 
Du  wal  by  keepin'  single  eyes  arter  the  fattest  pickins ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  101 

So,  ez  the  eye  's  put  fairly  out,  I  '11  larn  to  go  without  it, 
An'  not  allow  myself  to  be  no  gret  put  out  about  it. 
Now,  le'  me  see,  thet  is  n't  all ;  I  used,  'fore  leavin' 

Jaalam, 
To  count  things  on  my  finger-eends,  but  sutthin'  seems 

to  ail  'em  : 
Ware  's  my  left  hand  ?    O,  darn  it,  yes,  I  recollect  wut  's 

come  on  't ; 
I  haint  no  left  arm  but  my  right,  an'  thet 's  gut  jest  a 

thumb  on  't ; 

It  aint  so  hendy  ez  it  wuz  to  cal'late  a  sum  on  't. 
I've  hed  some  ribs  broke, —  six  (I  b'lieve),  —  I  haint 

kep'  no  account  on  'em  ; 
Wen  pensions  git  to  be  the  talk,  I  '11  settle  the  amount 

on  'em. 

An'  now  I  'm  speakin'  about  ribs,  it  kin'  o'  brings  to  mind 
One   thet  I  could   n't  never   break,  —  the   one   I   lef ' 

behind  ; 
Ef  you  should  see  her,  jest  clear  out  the  spout  o'  your 

invention 
An'  pour  the   longest  sweetnin'  in  about  an   annooai 

pension, 


102  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

An'  kin'  o'  hint  (in  case,  you  know,  the  critter  should 

refuse  to  be 
Consoled)  I   aint  so  'xpensive  now  to  keep  ez  wut  I 

used  to  be ; 
There  's  one  arm  less,  ditto  one  eye,  an'  then  the  leg 

thet  's  wooden 
Can  be  took  off  an'  sot  away  wenever  ther'  's  a  puddin'. 

I  spose  you  think  I  'm  comin'  back  ez  opperlunt  ez 
thunder, 

With  shiploads  o'  gold  images  an'  varus  sorts  o'  plunder ; 

Wai,  'fore  I  vullinteered,  I  thought  this  country  wuz  a 
sort  o' 

Canaan  a  regl'ar  Promised  Land  flowin'  with  rum  an' 
water, 

Ware  propaty  growed  up  like  time,  without  no  cultiva 
tion, 

An'  gold  wuz  dug  ez  taters  be  among  our  Yankee 
nation, 

Ware  nateral  advantages  were  pufficly  amazin', 

Ware  every  rock  there  wuz  about  with  precious  stuns 
wuz  blazin', 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  103 

Ware  mill-sites  filled  the  country  up  ez  thick  ez  you 

could  cram  'em, 

An'  desput  rivers  run  about  abeggin'  folks  to  dam  'em  ; 
Then  there  were  meetinhouses,  tu,  chockful  o'  gold  an' 

silver 
Thet  you  could  take,  an'  no  one  could  n't  hand  ye  in  no 

billfer;  — 
Thet 's  vvut  I  thought  afore  I  went,  thet  's  wut  them 

fellers  told  us 
Thet  stayed  to  hum  an'  speechified  an'  to  the  buzzards 

sold  us ; 
I  thought  thet  gold  mines  could  be  gut  cheaper  than 

china  asters, 

An'  see  myself  acomin'  back  like  sixty  Jacob  Astors ; 
But  sech  idees  soon  melted  down  an'  did  n't  leave  a 

grease-spot ; 
I  vow  my  holl  sheer  o'  the  spiles  would  n't  come  nigh  a 

V  spot ; 
Although,  most  anywares   we  've  ben,  you   need   n't 

break  no  locks, 
Nor  run   no  kin'  o'  risks,  to  fill  your  pocket   full  o' 

rocks. 


104  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  guess  I  mentioned   in  my  last  some  o'  the   nateral 

feeturs 

O'  this  all-fiered  buggy  hole  in  th'  way  o'  awfle  creeturs, 
But  I  fergut  to  name  (new  things  to  speak  on  so  aboun 
ded) 
How  one  day  you  '11  most  die  o'  thust,  an'  'fore  the  next 

git  drownded. 
The  clymit  seems  to  me  jest  like  a  teapot  made  o' 

pewter 
Our  Prudence  hed,  thet  would  n't  pour  (all  she  could 

du)  to  suit  her ; 
Fust  place  the  leaves  'ould  choke  the  spout,  so  's  not  a 

drop  'ould  dreen  out, 
Then  Prude  'ould  tip  an'  tip  an'  tip,  till  the  holl  kit  bust 

clean  out, 
The   kiver-hinge-pin  bein'  lost,  tea-leaves  an'  tea  an' 

kiver 
'ould   all   come  down  kerswosh!   ez  though  the  dam 

broke  in  a  river. 
Jest  so  't  is  here  ;  holl  months  there  aint  a  day  o'  rainy 

weather, 
An'  jest  ez  th'  officers  'ould  be  alayin'  heads  together 


THE     BIGLOW^  PAPERS.  105 

Ez  t'  how  they  'd  mix  their  drink  at  sech  a  milingtary 

deepot,  — 
'T  'ould  pour  ez  though  the  lid  wuz  off  the  everlastin' 

teapot. 
The  cons'quence  is,  thet  I  shall  take,  wen  I  'm  allowed 

to  leave  here, 
One  piece  o'  propaty  along, —  an'  thet  's  the  shakin' 

fever ; 
It 's  reggilar  employment,  though,  an'  thet  aint  thought 

to  harm  one, 
Nor  't  aint  so  tiresome  ez  it  wuz  with  t'  other  leg  an' 

arm  on ; 

An'  it  's  a  consolation,  tu,  although  it  doos  n't  pay, 
To  hev  it  said  you  're  some  gret  shakes  in  any  kin'  o' 

way. 
'T  worn't  very  long,  I  tell  ye  wut,  I  thought  o'  fortin- 

makin', — 
One  day  a  reg'lar shiver-de-freeze,  an'  next  ez  good  ez 

bakin',  — 
One   day   abrilin'   in   the   sand,  then   smoth'rin'  in  the 

mashes, — 
Git  up  all  sound,  be  put  to  bed  a  mess  o'  hacks  an' 

smashes. 


106  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

But  then,  thinks  I,  at  any  rate  there  's  glory  to  be  hed,  — 
Thet  's  an  investment,  arter  all,  thet  may  n't  turn  out 

so  bad  ; 
But  somehow,  wen  we  'd   fit  an'  licked,  I  oilers  found 

the  thanks 
Gut  kin'  o'  lodged  afore  they  come  ez  low  down  ez  the 

ranks ; 
The  Gin'rals  gut  the  biggest  sheer,  the  Cunnles  next, 

an'  so  on,  — 

We  never  gut  a  blasted  mite  o'  glory  ez  I  know  on; 
An'  spose  we  hed,  I  wonder  how  you  're  goin'  to  con 
trive  its 
Division    so  's   to    give   a  piece   to    twenty   thousand 

privits ; 
Ef  you  should  multiply  by  ten  the  portion  o'  the  brav'st 

one, 
You  would  n't  git  more  'n  half  enough  to  speak  of  on  a 

grave-stun ; 
We  git  the  licks,  —  we  're  jest   the  grist  thet  's   put 

into  War's  hoppers ; 
Leftenants  is  the  lowest  grade  thet  helps  pick  up  the 

coppers. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  107 

It  may  suit  folks  thet  go  agin  a  body  with  a  soul  in  't , 
An'  aint  contented  with  a  hide  without  a  bagnet  hole 

in  't ; 

But  glory  is  a  kin'  o'  thing  I  shan't  pursue  no  furder, 
Coz  thet 's  the  off'cers  parquisite, —  yourn  's  on'y  jest 

the  murder. 

Wai,  arter  I  gin  glory  up,  thinks  I  at  least  there  's  one 
Thing  in  the  bills  we  aint  hed  yit,  an'  thet 's  the  GLO 
RIOUS  FUN  ; 

Ef  once  we  git  to  Mexico,  we  fairly  may  persume  we 
All  day  an'  night  shall  revel  in  the  halls  o'  Montezumy. 
1  '11  tell  ye  wut  my  revels  wuz,  an'  see  how  you  would 

like  'em ; 

We  never  gut  inside  the  hall :  the  nighest  ever  7  come 
Wuz  stan'in'  sentry  in  the  sun  (an',  fact,  it  seemed  a 

cent'ry) 
A  ketchin'  smells  o'  biled  an'  roast  thet  come  out  thru 

the  entry, 

An'  hearin',  ez  I  sweltered  thru  my  passes  an'  repasses, 
A   rat-tat-too  o'   knives  an'    forks,  a   clinkty-clink  o' 


108  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  can't  tell  off  the  bill  o'  fare  the  Gin'rals  hed  inside ; 
All  I  know  is,  thet  out  o'  doors  a  pair  o'  soles  wuz 

fried, 
An'  not  a  hunderd  miles  away  frum  ware  this  child  wuz 

posted, 

A  Massachusetts  citizen  wuz  baked  an'  biled  an'  roasted  ; 
The  on'y  thing  like  revellin'  thet  ever  come  to  me 
Wuz  bein'  routed  out  o'  sleep  by  thet  darned  revelee. 

They  say  the  quarrel  's  settled  now  ;  fer  my  part  I  've 

some  doubt  on  't, 
*T  '11  take  more  fish-skin  than  folks  think  to  take  the  rile 

clean  out  on  't ; 

At  any  rate,  I  'm  so  used  up  I  can't  do  no  more  fightin', 
The  on'y  chance  thet 's  left  to  me  is  politics  or  writin' ; 
Now,  ez  the  people  's  gut  to  hev  a  milingtary  man, 
An'  I  aint  nothin'  else  jest  now,  I  've  hit  upon  a  plan  ; 
The  can'idatin'  line,  you  know,  'ould  suit  me  to  a  T, 
An'  ef  I  lose,  't  wunt  hurt  my  ears  to  lodge  another  flea ; 
So  I  '11  set  up  ez  can'idate  fer  any  kin'  o'  office, 
(I  mean   fer  any   thet  includes  good  easy-cheers   an' 

soffies ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  109 

Per  ez  to  runnin'  fer  a  place  ware  work  's  the  time 

o'  day, 
You  know  thet  's  wut  I  never  did,  —  except  the  other 

way;) 

Ef  it 's  the  Presidential  cheer  fer  wich  I  'd  better  run, 
Wut  two  legs  anywares  about  could  keep  up  with  my 

one? 

There  aint  no  kin'  o'  quality  in  can'idates,  it  Js  said, 
So  useful  ez  a  wooden  leg,  —  except  a  wooden  head  ; 
There  's  nothin'  aint  so  poppylar  —  (wy,  it  's  a  parfect 

sin 

To  think  wut  Mexico  hez  paid  fer  Santy  Anny's  pin ;)  — 
Then  I  haint  gut  no  principles,  an',  sence  I  wuz  knee- 
high, 

I  never  did  hev  any  gret,  ez  you  can  testify ; 
I  'm  a  decided  peace-man,  tu,  an'  go  agin  the  war, — 
Fer  now  the  hoH  on  't  's  gone  an'  past,  wut  is  there  to 

go  for? 
Ef,  wile  you  're  'lectioneerin'  round,  some  curus  chaps 

should  beg 
To  know  my  views  o'  state  affairs,  jest  answer  WOODEN 

LEG! 


110  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Ef  they  aint  settisfied  with  thet,  an'  kin'  o'  pry  an'  doubt 
An'  ax  fer  sutthin' deffynit,  jest  say  ONE  EYE  PUT  OUT  ! 
Thet   kin'  o'  talk  I  'guess  you  '11  find  '11  answer  to  a 

charm, 
An'  wen  you  're  druv   tu   nigh  the  wall,  hoi'  up  my 


missin'  arm  ; 


Ef  they   should   nose   round    fer  a   pledge,  put  on  a 

vartoous  look 
An'  tell  'em  thet 's  percisely  wut  I  never  gin  nor  — 

took! 

Then  you  can  call   me  "  Timbertoes,"  —  thet  's  wut 

the  people  likes ; 
Sutthin'  combinin'  morril  truth   with   phrases   sech  ez 

strikes ; 
Some  say  the  people  's  fond  o'  this,  or  thet,  or  wut  you 

please, — 

I  tell  ye  wut  the  people  want  is  jest  correct  idees  ; 
"  Old  Timbertoes,"  you  see,  's  a  creed  it 's  safe  to  be 

quite  bold  on, 
There  's  nothin'  in  't  the  other  side  can  any  ways  git 

hold  on ; 


'iHE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  Ill 

It 's  a  good  tangible  idee,  a  sutthin'  to  embody 

Thet  valooable  class  o' .  men  who  look  thru  brandy- 
toddy  ; 

It  gives  a  Party  Platform,  tu,  jest  level  with  the 
mind 

Of  all  right-thinkin',  honest  folks  thet  mean  to  go  it 
blind ; 

Then  there  air  other  good  hooraws  to  dror  on  ez  you 
need  'em, 

Sech  ez  the  ONE-EYED  SLARTERER,  the  BLOODY  BIRDO- 

FREDUM  ; 

Them  's  wut  takes  hold  o'  folks  thet  think,  ez  well  ez 

o1  the  masses, 
An'  makes  you  sartin  o'  the  aid  o'  good  men  of  all 

classes. 

There  's  one  thing  I  'm  in  doubt  about ;  in  order  to  be 

Presidunt, 

It 's  absolutely  ne'ssary  to  be  a  Southern  residunt ; 
The  Constitution  settles  thet,  an'  also  thet  a  feller 
Must  own  a  nigger  o'  some  sort,  jet  black,  or  brown,  or 

yeller. 


112  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Now  I  haint  no  objections  agin  particklar  climes, 
Nor  agin  ownin'  any  thin'  (except  the  truth  sometimes), 
But,  ez  I  haint  no  capital,  up  there  among  ye,  may  be, 
You  might  raise  funds  enough  fer  me  to  buy  a  low- 
priced  baby, 
An'  then,  to  suit  the  No' them  folks,  who  feel  obleeged 

to  say 
They  hate  an'  cuss  the  very  thing  they  vote  fer  every 

day, 

Say  you  're  assured  I  go  full  butt  fer  Libbaty's  diffusion 
An'  made  the  purchis  on'y  jest  to  spite  the  Institoo- 

tion ;  — 
But,  golly !  there 's  the  currier's  hoss  upon  the  pavement 

pawin' ! 

I  '11  be  more  'xplicit  in  my  next. 
Yourn, 

BIRDOFREDUM  SAWIN. 


[  We  have  now  a  tolerably  fair  chance  of  estimating  how  the 
balance-sheet  stands  between  our  returned  volunteer  and  glory. 
Supposing  the  entries  to  be  set  down  on  both  sides  of  the  account 
in  fractional  parts  of  one  hundred,  we  shall  arrive  at  something 
like  the  following  result  •  — 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


113 


Cr.       B.  SAWIN,  Esq.,  in  account  with  (BLANK)  GLORY.       Dr. 


By  loss  of  one  leg,     . 
"     do.      one  arm, 
"     do.      four  fingers, 
"     do.      one  eye, 
"   the  breaking  of  six  ribs, 
M   having  served  under  Col 
onel  Gushing  one  month,    44 


100 


To  one  675th  three  cheers  in 
Faneuil  Hall,  .  .  .30 

"  do.  do.  on 

occasion  of  presentation  of 
sword  to  Colonel  Wright,  25 

"  one  suit  of  gray  clothes 
( ingeniously  unbecoming ) ,  15 

"  musical  entertainments 
(drum  and  fife  six  months),  5 

"   one  dinner  after  return,       1 

"   chance  of  pension,         .    1 

"  privilege  of  drawing  long 
bow  during  rest  of  natural 
life, 23 

100 


E.E. 


It  would  appear  that  Mr.  Sawin  found  the  actual  feast  curious 
ly  the  reverse  of  the  bill  of  fare  advertised  in  Faneuil  Hall  and 
other  places.  His  primary  object  seems  to  have  been  the  making 
of  his  fortune.  Qucerenda  pecunia  primum,  virtus  post  nummos.  He 
hoisted  sail  for  Eldorado,  and  shipwrecked  on  Point  Tribulation. 
Quid  non  mortalia  peciora  cogis,  auri  sacra  fames  ?  The  specula 
tion  has  sometimes  crossed  my  mind,  in  that  dreary  interval  of 
drought  which  intervenes  between  quarterly  stipendiary  showers, 
that  Providence,  by  the  creation  of  a  money-tree,  might  have  sim 
plified  wonderfully  the  sometimes  perplexing  problem  of  human 
life.  We  read  of  bread-trees,  the  butter  for  which  lies  ready- 
churned  in  Irish  bogs.  Milk-trees  we  are  assured  of  in  South 
& 


"  14  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


America,  and  stout  Sir  John  Hawkins  testifies  to  water-trees  in 
the  Canaries.  Boot-trees  bear  abundantly  in  Lynn  and  elsewhere ; 
and  I  have  seen,  in  the  entries  of  the  wealthy,  hat-trees  with  a  fail 
show  of  fruit.  A  family-tree  I  once  cultivated  myself,  and  found 
therefrom  but  a  scanty  yield,  and  that  quite  tasteless  and  innu- 
tritious.  Of  trees  bearing  men  we  are  not  without  examples ; 
as  those  in  the  park  of  Louis  the  Eleventh  of  France.  Who  has 
forgotten,  moreover,  that  olive-tree,  growing  in  the  Athenian's 
back-garden,  with  its  strange  uxorious  crop,  for  the  general  prop 
agation  of  which,  as  of  a  new  and  precious  variety,  the  philoso 
pher  Diogenes,  hitherto  uninterested  in  arboriculture,  was  so 
zealous  ?  In  the  sylwt  of  our  own  Southern  States,  the  females 
of  my  family  have  called  my  attention  to  the  china-tree.  Not  to 
multiply  examples,  I  will  barely  add  to  my  list  the  birch-tree,  in 
the  smaller  branches  of  which  has  been  implanted  so  miraculous 
a  virtue  for  communicating  the  Latin  and  Greek  languages,  and 
which  may  well,  therefore,  be  classed  among  the  trees  producing 
necessaries  of  life,  —  venerabile  donum  fatalis  virgce.  That  money- 
trees  existed  in  the  golden  age  there  want  not  prevalent  reasons 
for  our  believing.  For  does  not  the  old  proverb,  when  it  asserts 
that  money  does  not  grow  on  every  bush,  imply  a  fortiori  that 
there  were  certain  bushes  which  did  produce  it  ?  Again,  there  is 
another  ancient  saw  to  the  effect  that  money  is  the  root  of  all  evil. 
From  which  two  adages  it  may  be  safe  to  infer  that  the  aforesaid 
species  of  tree  first  degenerated  into  a  shrub,  then  absconded  un 
derground,  and  finally,  in  o'*r  iron  age,  vanished  altogether.  In 
favorable  exposures  it  may  be  conjectured  that  a  specimen  or  two 
survived  to  a  great  age,  as  in  the  garden  of  the  Hesperides ;  and, 
indeed,  what  else  could  that  tree  in  the  Sixth  JEneid  have  been, 
with  a  branch  whereof  the  Trojan  hero  procured  admission  to  a 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  115 


territory,  for  the  entering  of  which  money  is  a  surer  passport 
than  to  a  certain  other  more  profitable  (too)  foreign  kingdom  ? 
Whether  these  speculations  of  mine  hare  any  force  in  them,  or 
whether  they  will  not  rather,  by  most  readers,  be  deemed  imperti 
nent  to  the  matter  in  hand,  is  a  question  which  I  leaVe  to  the  de 
termination  of  an  indulgent  posterity.  That  there  were,  in  more 
primitive  and  happier  times,  shops  where  money  was  sold,  —  and 
that,  too,  on  credit  and  at  a  bargain,  —  I  take  to  be  matter  of 
demonstration.  For  what  but  a  dealer  in  this  article  was  that 
JEolus  who  supplied  Ulysses  with  motive  power  for  his  fleet  in 
bags  1  What  that  Ericus,  king  of  Sweden,  who  is  said  to  have 
kept  the  winds  in  his  cap  ?  What,  in  more  recent  times,  those 
Lapland  Nornas  who  traded  in  favorable  breezes  ?  All  which  will 
appear  the  more  clearly  when  we  consider,  that,  even  to  this  day, 
raising  the  wind  is  proverbial  for  raising  money,  and  that  brokers 
and  banks  were  invented  by  the  Venetians  at  a  later  period. 

And  now  for  the  improvement  of  this  digression.  I  find  a 
parallel  to  Mr.  Sawin's  fortune  in  an  adventure  of  my  own.  For, 
shortly  after  I  had  first  broached  to  myself  the  before-stated 
natural-historical  and  archaeological  theories,  as  I  was  passing, 
hcec  negotia  penitus  mecum  revolvens,  through  one  of  the  obscure 
suburbs  of  our  New  England  metropolis,  my  eye  was  attracted  by 
these  words  upon  a  sign-board, —  CHEAP  CASH-STORE.  Here 
was  at  once  the  confirmation  of  my  speculations,  and  the  sub 
stance  of  my  hopes.  Here  lingered  the  fragment  of  a  happier 
past,  or  stretched  out  the  first  tremulous  organic  filament  of  a 
more  fortunate  future.  Thus  glowed  the  distant  Mexico  to  the 
eyes  of  Sawin,  as  he  looked  through  the  dirty  pane  of  the  recruit 
ing-office  window,  or  speculated  from  the  summit  of  that  mirage- 
Pisgah  which  the  imps  of  the  bottle  are  so  cunning  in  raising  up. 


J16  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 


Already  had  my  Alnaschar-fancy  (even  during  that  first  half 
believing  glance)  expended  in  various  useful  directions  the  funds 
to  be  obtained  by  pledging  the  manuscript  of  a  proposed  volume 
of  discourses.  Already  did  a  clock  ornament  the  tower  of  the 
Jaalam  meeting-house,  a  gift  appropriately,  but  modestly,  com 
mcmorated  in  the  parish  and  town  records,  both,  for  now  many 
years,  kept  by  myself.  Already  had  my  son  Seneca  completed  his 
course  at  the  University.  Whether,  for  the  moment,  we  may  not 
be  considered  as  actually  lording  it  over  those  Baratarias  with  the 
viceroyalty  of  which  Hope  invests  us,  and  whether  we  are  ever  so 
warmly  housed  as  in  our  Spanish  castles,  would  afford  matter  of 
argument.  Enough  that  I  found  that  sign-board  to  be  no  other 
than  a  bait  to  the  trap  of  a  decayed  grocer.  Nevertheless,  I 
bought  a  pound  of  dates  (getting  short  weight  by  reason  of  im 
mense  flights  of  harpy  flies  who  pursued  and  lighted  upon  their 
prey  even  in  the  very  scales),  which  purchase  I  made,  not  only 
with  an  eye  to  the  little  ones  at  home,  but  also  as  a  figurative  re 
proof  of  that  too  frequent  habit  of  my  mind,  which,  forgetting  the 
due  order  of  chronology,  will  often  persuade  me  that  the  happy 
sceptre  of  Saturn  is  stretched  over  this  Astraea-forsaken  nine 
teenth  century. 

Having  glanced  at  the  ledger  of  Glory  under  the  title  Sawin,  B., 
let  us  extend  our  investigations,  and  discover  if  that  instructive 
volume  does  not  contain  some  charges  more  personally  interesting 
to  ourselves.  I  think  we  should  be  more  economical  of  our  re 
sources,  did  we  thoroughly  appreciate  the  fact,  that,  whenever 
Brother  Jonathan  seems  to  be  thrusting  his  hand  into  his  own 
pocket,  he  is,  in  fact,  picking  ours.  I  confess  that  the  late  muck 
which  the  country  has  been  running  has  materially  changed  my 
f>  ^ie  bo5f  rvy^V'1  ^f  nH'i'r  r^vonno.  Tf.  hv  mean." 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  117 


of  direct  taxation,  the  bills  for  every  extraordinary  outlay  were 
brought  under  our  immediate  eye,  so  that,  like  thrifty  housekeep 
ers,  we  could  see  where  and  how  fast  the  money  was  going,  we 
should  be  less  likely  to  commit  extravagances.  At  present,  these 
things  are  managed  in  such  a  hugger-mugger  way,  that  we  know 
not  what  we  pay  for;  the  poor  man  is  charged  as  much  as  the 
rich ;  and,  while  we  are  saving  and  scrimping  at  the  spigot,  the 
government  is  drawing  off  at  the  bung.  If  we  could  know  that  a 
part  of  the  money  we  expend  for  tea  and  coffee  goes  to  buy 
powder  and  balls,  and  that  it  is  Mexican  blood  which  makes  the 
clothes  on  our  backs  more  costly,  it  would  set  some  of  us  athink- 
ing.  During  the  present  fall,  I  have  often  pictured  to  myself  a 
government  official  entering  my  study  and  handing  me  the  fol 
lowing  bill :  — 

WASHINGTON,  Sept.  30,  1848. 

REV.  HOMER  WILBUR  to  SSnclc  Samuel,  Dr. 

To  his  share  of  work  done  in  Mexico  on  partnership  ac 
count,  sundry  jobs,  as  below. 

"    killing,  maiming,  and  wounding  about  5,000  Mexicans,  $  2.00 
"    slaughtering  one  woman  carrying  water  to  wounded,     .        .10 
"    extra  work  on  two  different  Sabbaths  (one  bombard 
ment  and  one  assault)  whereby  the  Mexicans  were 
prevented  from  defiling  themselves  with  the  idol 
atries  of  high  mass, 3.50 

"    throwing  an  especially  fortunate  and  Protestant  bomb 
shell  into  the  Cathedral  at  Vera  Cruz,  whereby  sev 
eral  female  Papists  were  slain  at  the  altar,        .  .50 
u    his  proportion  of  cash  paid  for  conquered  territory,       .      1.75 
do.               do.            for  conquering    do.,  .        .      1.50 


118  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


To  manuring    do.    with    new    superior    compost    called 

"American  Citizen," 50 

"    extending  the  area  of  freedom  and  Protestantism,               .01 
"    glory, 01 

$9.87 
Immediate  payment  is  requested. 

N.  B.  Thankful  for  former  favors,  IT.  S.  requests  a  continuance 
of  patronage.  Orders  executed  with  neatness  and  despatch. 
Terms  as  low  as  those  of  any  other  contractor  for  the  same  kind 
and  style  of  work. 

I  can  fancy  the  official  answering  my  look  of  horror  with,  — 
"  Yes,  Sir,  it  looks  like  a  high  charge,  Sir ;  but  in  these  days 
slaughtering  is  slaughtering."  Verily,  I  would  that  every  one 
understood  that  it  was ;  for  it  goes  about  obtaining  money  under 
the  false  pretence  of  being  glory.  For  me,  I  have  an  imagina 
tion  which  plays  me  uncomfortable  tricks.  It  happens  to  me 
sometimes  to  see  a  slaughterer  on  his  way  home  from  his  day's 
work,  and  forthwith  my  imagination  puts  a  cocked-hat  upon  his 
head  and  epaulettes  upon  his  shoulders,  and  sets  him  up  as  a  can 
didate  for  the  Presidency.  So,  also,  on  a  recent  public  occasion, 
as  the  place  assigned  to  the  "  Reverend  Clergy "  is  just  behind 
that  of  "  Officers  of  the  Army  and  Navy "  in  processions,  it  was 
my  fortune  to  be  seated  at  the  dinner-table  over  against  one  of 
these  respectable  persons.  He  was  arrayed  as  (out  of  his  own 
profession)  only  kings,  court-officers,  and  footmen  are  in  Europe, 
and  Indians  in  America.  Now  what  does  my  over-officious  im 
agination  but  set  to  work  upon  him,  strip  him  of  his  gay  livery, 
«md  present  him  to  me  coatless,  his  trowsers  thrust  into  the  tops 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


119 


of  a  pair  of  boots  thick  with  clotted  blood,  and  a  basket  on  his 
arm  out  of  which  lolled  a  gore-smeared  axe,  thereby  destroying 
my  relish  for  the  temporal  mercies  upon  the  board  before  me  ?  — 
H.  W.] 


No.   IX. 


A  THIRD  LETTER  FROM   B.  SAWIN,  ESQ. 

[UPON  the  following  letter  slender  comment  will  be  needful. 
In  what  river  Selemnus  has  Mr.  Sawin  bathed,  that  he  has  become 
so  swiftly  oblivious  of  his  former  loves  ?  From  an  ardent  and  (as 
befits  a  soldier)  confident  wooer  of  that  coy  bride,  the  popular 
favor,  we  see  him  subside  of  a  sudden  into  the  (I  trust  not  jilted) 
Cincinnatus,  returning  to  his  plough  with  a  goodly-sized  branch  of 
willow  in  his  hand ;  figuratively  returning,  however,  to  a  figura 
tive  plough,  and  from  no  profound  affection  for  that  honored  im 
plement  of  husbandry,  (for  which,  indeed,  Mr.  Sawin  never  dis 
played  any  decided  predilection,)  but  in  order  to  be  gracefully 
summoned  therefrom  to  more  congenial  labors.  It  would  seem 
that  the  character  of  the  ancient  Dictator  had  become  part  of  the 
recognized  stock  of  our  modern  political  comedy,  though,  as  our 
term  of  office  extends  to  a  quadrennial  length,  the  parallel  is  not 
so  minutely  exact  as  could  be  desired.  It  is  sufficiently  so,  how 
ever,  for  purposes  of  scenic  representation.  An  humble  cottage 
(if  built  of  logs,  the  better)  forms  the  Arcadian  back-ground  of  the 
stage.  This  rustic  paradise  is  labelled  Ashland,  Jaalam,  North 
Bend,  Marshfield,  Kinderhook,  or  Baton  Rouge,  as  occasion  de 
mands.  Before  the  door  stands  a  something  with  one  handle  (the 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


121 


other  painted  in  proper  perspective),  which  represents,  in  happy 
ideal  vagueness,  the  plough.  To  this  the  defeated  candidate 
rushes  with  delirious  joy,  welcomed  as  a  father  by  appropriate 
groups  of  happy  laborers,  or  from  it  the  successful  one  is  torn  with 
difficulty,  sustained  alone  by  a  noble  sense  of  public  duty.  Only  I 
have  observed,  that,  if  the  scene  be  laid  at  Baton  Eouge  or  Ash 
land,  the  laborers  are  kept  carefully  in  the  background,  and  are 
heard  to  shout  from  behind  the  scenes  in  a  singular  tone  resem 
bling  ululation,  and  accompanied  by  a  sound  not  unlike  vigorous 
clapping.  This,  however,  may  be  artistically  in  keeping  with  the 
habits  of  the  rustic  population  of  those  localities.  The  precise 
connection  between  agricultural  pursuits  and  statesmanship  I  have 
not  been  able,  after  diligent  inquiry,  to  discover.  But,  that  my 
investigations  may  not  be  barren  of  all  fruit,  I  will  mention  one 
curious  statistical  fact,  which  I  consider  thoroughly  established, 
namely,  that  no  real  farmer  ever  attains  practically  beyond  a  seat 
in  •General  Court,  however  theoretically  qualified  for  more  exalted 
station. 

It  is  probable  that  some  other  prospect  has  been  opened  to 
Mr.  Sawin,  and  that  he  has  not  made  this  great  sacrifice  without 
some  definite  understanding  in  regard  tg  a  seat  in  the  cabinet  or  a 
foreign  mission.  It  may  be  supposed  that  we  of  Jaalam  were  not 
untouched  by  a  feeling  of  villatic  pride  in  beholding  our  towns 
man  occupying  so  large  a  space  in  the  public  eye.  And  to  me, 
deeply  revolving  the  qualifications  necessary  to  a  candidate  in 
these  frugal  times,  those  of  Mr.  S.  seemed  peculiarly  adapted  to  a 
successful  campaign.  The  loss  of  a  leg,  an  arm,  an  eye,  and  four 
fingers,  reduced  him  so  nearly  to  the  condition  of  a  vox  et  prceterea 
nihil,  that  I  could  think  of  nothing  but  the  loss  of  his  head  by 
which  his  chance  could  have  been  bettered.  But  since  he  ha* 


122  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

chosen  to  balk  our  suffrages,  we  must  content  ourselves  with 
what  we  can  get,  remembering  lactucas  non  esse  dandas,  dum  cardui 
siifficiant.  —  'H..  W.] 

I  SPOSE  you  recollect  thet  I  explained  my  gennle  views 

In  the  last  billet  thet  I  writ,  'way  down  frum  Veery  Cruze, 

Jest  arter  I  'd  a  kind  o'  ben  spontanously  sot  up 

To  run  unanimously  fer  the  Presidential  cup ; 

O'  course  it  worn't  no   wish  o'  mine,  't  wuz  ferflely 

distressing 

But  poppiler  enthusiasm  gut  so  almighty  pressin' 
Thet,  though  like  sixty  all  along  I  fumed  an'  fussed  an' 

sorrered, 
There  did  n't  seem  no  ways  to  stop  their  bringin'  on  me 

forrerd : 
Fact  is,  they  udged  me  matter  so,  I  could  n't  help  ad- 

mittin' 
The   Father  o'  his  Country's  shoes  no  feet  but  mine 

'ould  fit  in, 

Besides  the  savin'  o'  the  soles  fer  ages  to  succeed, 
Seem'  thet  with  one  wannut  foot,  a  pair  'd  be  more  'n 

I  need  ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  123 

An',  tell  ye  wut,  them  shoes  '11  want  a  thund'rin'  sight 
o'  patchin', 

Ef  this  ere  fashion  is  to  last  we  've  gut  into  o'  hatchin' 

A   pair   o'   second   Washintons   fer    every    new   elec 
tion,  — 

Though,  fur  ez  number  one  's  consarned,  I  don't  make 
no  objection. 
• 

I  wuz  agoin'  on  to  say  thet  wen  at  fust  I  saw 

The  masses  would  stick  to 't  I  wuz  the  Country's  father- 

'n-law, 
(They  would  ha'  hed  it  Father,  but  I  told  'em  't  would 

n't  du, 
Coz  thet   wuz   sutthin"  of  a   sort  they   could  n't  split 

in  tu, 
An'   Washinton   hed   hed  the  thing  laid  fairly  to  his 

door, 
Nor  dars  n't  say  't  worn't  his'n,  much  ez  sixty  year 

afore,) 
But  't  aint  no  matter  ez  to  thet;  wen  I  wuz  nomer- 

nated, 
'T  worn't  natur  but  wut  I  should  feel  consid'able  elated. 


124  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

An'  wile  the  hooraw  o'  the  thing  wuz  kind  o'  noo  an' 

fresh, 
I  thought  our  ticket  would  ha'  caird  the  country  with  a  resh. 

Sence  I  've  come    hum,   though,  an'  looked   round,  I 

think  I  seem  to  find 
Strong  argimunts  ez  thick  ez  fleas  to  make  me  change 

my  mind ; 
It 's  clear  to  any  one  whose  brain  ain't  fur  gone  in  a 

phthisis, 

Thet  hail  Columby's  happy  land  is  goin'  thru  a  crisis, 
An'  't  would  n't  noways  du  to  hev  the  people's  mind 

distracted 

By  bein'  all  to  once  by  sev'ral  pop'lar  names  attackted  ; 
'T  would  save  holl  haycartloads  o'  fuss  an'  three  four 

months  o'  jaw, 

Ef  some  illustrous  paytriot  should  back  out  an'  with 
draw; 
So,  ez  I  aint  a  crooked   stick,  jest   like  —  like  ole  (I 

swow, 
I  dunno  ez  I  know  his  name)  —  I  '11  go  back  to  my 

plough. 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  125 

Now,  't  aint  no  more  'n  is  proper  V  right  in  sech  a 

sitooation 
To  hint  the  course  you  think  '11  be  the  savin'  o'  the 

nation ; 
To  funk  right  out  o'  p'lit'cal  strife  aint  thought  to  be 

the  thing, 
Without  you  deacon  off  the  toon  you  want  your  folks 

should  sing ; 
So  I  edvise  the  noomrous  friends  thet  's  in  one  boat  with 

me 
To  jest  up  killock,  jam  right  down  their  helium   hard 

a  lee, 
Haul  the  sheets  taut,  an' ,  laying  out  upon  the  Suthun 

tack, 
Make  fer  the  safest  port  they  can,  wich,  I  think,  is 

Ole  Zack. 

Next  thing  you  '11  want  to  know,  I  spose,  wut  argimunts 

I  seem 
To  see  thet  makes  me  think  this  ere  '11  be  the  strongest 

team  ; 


126  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

Fust  place,  I  've  ben  consid'ble  round  in  bar-rooms  an' 

saloons 
Agethrin'  public  sentiment,  'mongst  Demmercrats  and 

Coons, 

An'  't  aint  ve'y  offen  thet  I  meet  a  chap  but  wut  goes  in 
Per   Rough   an'  Ready,  fair   an'  square,   hufs,   taller, 

horns,  an'  skin ; 

I  don't  deny  but  wut,  fer  one,  ez  fur  ez  I  could  see, 
I  didn't  like  at  fust  the  Pheladelphy  nomernee ; 
I  could  ha'  pinted  to  a  man  thet  wuz,  I  guess,  a  peg 
Higher  than  him,  —  a  soger,  tu,  an'  with  a  wooden  leg; 
But  every  day  with  more  an'  more  o'  Taylor  zeal  I  'm 

burnin', 

Seem'  wich  way  the  tide* thet  sets  to  office  is  aturnin' ; 
Wy,  into  Bellers's  we  notched  the  votes  down  on  three 

sticks,  — 
'T   wuz    Birdofredum   one,  Cass    aught,   an1     Taylor 

twenty-six, 
An',  bein'  the   on'y  canderdate    thet   wuz    upon   the 

ground, 
They  said  't  wuz  no  more  'n  right  thet  I  should  pay  the 

drinks  all  round  ; 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  127 

Ef  I  'd  expected  sech  a  trick,  I  would  n't  ha'  cut  my 

foot 

By  goin'  an'  votin'  fer  myself  like  a  consumed  coot ; 
It  did  n't  make  no  difference,  though;  I  wish  I  may  be 

cust, 
Ef  Bellers  wuz  n't  slim  enough  to  say  he  would  n't 

trust ! 

Another  pint  thet  influences  the  minds  o'  sober  jedges 
Is  thet  the  Gin'ral  hez  n't  gut  tied  hand  an'  foot  with 

pledges ; 
He  hez   n't  told   ye  wut  he  is,  an'  so  there  aint  no 

know  in' 

But  wut  he  may  turn  out  to  be  the  best  there  is  agoin' ; 
This,  at  the  on'y  spot  thet  pinched,  the  shoe  directly 

eases, 
Coz   every   one   is   free   to  'xpect   percisely    wut    he 

pleases : 
I  want  free-trade ;  you  don't ;  the  Gin'ral  is  n't  bound  to 

neither ;  — 
I  vote  my  way ;  you,  yourn  ;  an'  both  air  sooted  to  a  T 

there. 


128  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Ole  Rough  an1    Ready,  tu,  's  a  Wig,  but  without  bein' 

ultry 
(He  's  like  a  holsome  hayinday,  thet  's  warm,  but  is  n't 

sultry) ; 
He  's  jest  wut  I  should  call  myself,  a  kin'  o'  scratch^  ez 

't  ware, 
Thet    aint    exacly  all   a   wig   nor   wholly  your    own 

hair; 
I  've  ben  a  Wig  three  weeks  myself,  jest  o'  this  mod- 

'rate  sort, 
An'  don't  find  them  an'  Demmercrats  so  different  ez  I 

thought ; 
They  both  act  pooty  much  alike,  an'  push  an'  scrouge 

an'  cus ; 

They  're  like  two  pickpockets  in  league  fer  Uncle  Sam- 
well's  pus ; 
Each  takes  a  side,  an'  then  they  squeeze  the  old  man  in 

between  'em, 
Turn  all  his  pockets  wrong  side  out  an'  quick  ez  light- 

nin'  clean  'em  ; 

To  nary  one  on  'em  I  'd  trust  a  secon'-handed  rail 
No  furder  off 'an  I  could  sling  a  bullock  by  the  tail. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  129 

Webster  sot  matters  right  in  thet  air  MashfieP  speech 

o'  his'n  ;  — 
"  Taylor,"  sez  he,  "  aint  nary  ways  the  one  thet  I  'd  a 

chizzen, 

Nor  he  aint  fittin'  fer  the  place,  an'  like  ez  not  he  aint 
No  more  'n  a  tough  ole  bullethead,  an'  no  gret  of  a 

saint ; 
But  then,"  sez  he,  "  obsarve  my  pint,  he  's  jest  ez  good 

to  vote  fer 
Ez  though  the  greasin'  on  him  worn't  a  thing  to  hire 

Choate  fer ;    . 

Aint  it  ez  easy  done  to  drop  a  ballot  in  a  box 
Fer  one  ez  't  is  fer  t'  other,  fer  the  bulldog  ez  the  fox  ?  " 
It  takes  a  mind  like  Dannel's,  fact,  ez  big  ez  all  ou'  doors, 
To  find  out  thet  it  looks  like  rain  arter  it  fairly  pours  ; 
I  'gree  with  him,  it  aint  so  dreffle  troublesome  to  vote 
Fer  Taylor  arter  all,  —  it 's  jest  to  go  an'  change  your 

coat; 
Wen   he   's   once   greased,   you    '11    s  waller   him    an' 

never  know  on  't,  source, 
Unless  he  scratches,  goin'  down,  with  them  air  Gin- 

'ral's  spurs. 

9 


130  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

I  Ve  ben  a  votin'  Demmercrat,  ez  reg'lar  ez  a  clock, 
But  don't  find  goin'  Taylor  gives  my  narves  no  gret  'f  a 

shock ; 
Truth  is,  the  cutest  leadin'  Wigs,  ever  sence  fust  they 

found 
Wich  side  the  bread  gut  buttered  on,  hev  kep'  a  edgin' 

round ; 
They  kin'  o'  slipt  the  planks  frum  out  th'  ole  platform 

one  by  one 
An'  made  it  gradooally   noo,  'fore   folks  know'd  wut 

wuz  done, 
Till,  fur  'z  I  know,  there  aint  an  inch  thet  I  could  lay 

my  han'  on, 

But  I,  or  any  Demmercrat,  feels  comf 'table  to  stan'  on, 
An'  ole  Wig  doctrines  act'lly  look,  their  occ'pants  bein' 

gone, 

Lonesome    ez    staddles    on  a  mash  without   no   hay 
ricks  on. 

I  spose  it 's  time  now  I  should  give  my  thoughts  upon 

the  plan, 
Thet  chipped  the  shell  at  Buffalo,  o'  settin'  up  ole  Van. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  131 

I  used  to  vote  fer  Martin,  but,  I  swan,  I  'm  clean  dis 
gusted,  — 

He  aint  the  man  thet  I  can  say  is  fittin'  to  be  trusted ; 
Pie   aint  half  antislav'ry  'nough,   nor  I   aint  sure,  ez 

some  be, 

He  'd  go  in  fer  abolishin'  the  Deestrick  o'  Columby ; 
An',  now  I  come  to  recollect,  it  kin'  o'  makes  me  sick  'z 
A  horse,  to  think  o'  wut  he  wuz  in  eighteen  thirty-six. 
An'  then,  another  thing ;  —  I  guess,  though  mebby  I  am 

wrong, 

This  Buff 'lo  plaster  aint  agoin'  to  dror  almighty  strong ; 
Some  folks,  I  know,  hev  gut  th'  idee  thet  No'thun  dough 

'11  rise, 
Though,  'fore  I  see  it  riz  an'   baked,  I  would  n't  trust 

my  eyes ; 
'T  will  take  more  emptins,  a  long  chalk,  than  this  noc 

party  's  gut, 

To  give  sech  heavy  cakes  ez  them  a  start,  I  tell  ye  wut. 
But  even  ef  they  caird  the  day,  there  would  n't  be  no 

endurin' 
To  stand  upon  a  platform  with  sech  critters  ez  Van 

Buren ;  — 


132  THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

An'  his  son  John,  tu,  I  can't  think  how  thet  air  chap 

should  dare 
To  speak  ez  he  doos ;  wy,  they  say  he  used  to  cuss  an' 

swear ! 
I  spose  he  never  read  the  hymn  thet  tells  how  down  the 

stairs 
A  feller  with  long  legs  wuz  throwed  thet  would  n't  say 

his  prayers. 

This   brings   me   to  another  pint:  the   leaders  o'  the 

party 
Aint  jest  sech  men  ez  I  can  act  along  with  free  an' 

hearty ; 
They  aint   not  quite   respectable,  an'   wen   a   feller's 

morrils 
Don't  toe  the  straightest  kin'  o'  mark,  wy,  him  an'  me 

jest  quarrils. 
I  went  to  a  free  soil  meetin'  once,  an'  wut  d'  ye  think 

I  see? 

A  feller  wuz  aspoutin'  there  thet  act'lly  come  to  me, 
About  two  year  ago  last  spring,  ez  nigh  ez  I  can  jedge, 
An'  axed  me  ef  I  didn't  want  to  sign  the  Temprunce 

pledge !  , 


THE    BIGLOW    PAPERS.  133 

He  's  one  o'  them  thet  goes  about  an'  sez  you  bed  n't 
ough'  to 

Drink  nothin',  mornin',  noon,  or  nigbt,  stronger  'an 
Taunton  water. 

There  's  one  rule  I  've  ben  guided  by,  in  settlin'  how  to 
vote,  oilers, — 

I  take  the  side  thet  is  n't  took  by  them  consarned  tee 
totallers. 

Ez  fer  the  niggers,  I  've  ben  South,  an'  thet  hez  changed 

my  mind ; 
A   lazier,  more  ungrateful  set    you  could  n't  nowers 

find. 
You  know  I  mentioned  in  my  last  thet  I  should  buy  a 

nigger, 

Ef  I  could  make  a  purchase  at  a  pooty  mod'rate  figger ; 
So,  ez  there  's  nothin'  in  the  world  I  'm  fonder  of  'an 

gunnin', 

I  closed  a  bargin  finally  to  take  a  feller  runnin'. 
I  shou'dered  queen's-arm  an'  stumped  out,  an'  wen  I 

come  t'  th'  swamp, 
JT  worn't  very  long  afore  I  gut  upon  the  nest  o'  Pomp ; 


134  THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS. 

% 

I  come  acrost  a  kin'  o'  hut,  an',  playin'  round  the  door, 
Some  little  woolly-headed  cubs,  ez  many  'z  six  or  more. 
At  fust  I  thought  o'  firm',  but  think  twice  is  safest  oilers ; 
There  aint,  thinks  I,  not  one  on  em'  but  's  wuth  his 

twenty  dollars, 

Or  would  be,  ef  I  hed  'em  back  into  a  Christian  land,  — 
How  ternptin'  all  on  'em  would  look  upon  an  auction- 
stand  ! 
(Not  but  wut  I  hate  Slavery  in  th'  abstract,  stem  to 

starn,  — 

I  leave  it  ware  our  fathers  did,  a  privit  State  consarn.) 
Soon  'z  they  see  me,  they  yelled  an'  run,  but  Pomp 

wuz  out  ahoein' 
A  leetle   patch  o'  corn   he  hed,  or  else  there  aint  no 

knowin' 
He  would  n't  ha'  took  a  pop  at  me ;  but  I  hed  gut  the 

start, 
An'  wen  he  looked,  I  vow  he  groaned  ez  though  he  'd 

broke  his  heart ; 

He  done  it  like  a  wite  man,  tu,  ez  nat'ral  ez  a  pictur, 
The  imp'dunt,  pis'nous  hypocrite !  wus  'an  a  boy  con- 

strictur. 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  135 

"  You  can't  gum  me,  I  tell  ye  now,  an'  so  you  need  n't 

try, 
I  'xpect   my  eye-teeth  every  mail,  so  jest  shet  up," 

sez  I. 

"  Don't  go  to  actin'  ugly  now,  or  else  I  '11  jest  let  strip, 
You  'd  best  draw  kindly,  seein'  'z  how  I  've  gut  ye  on 

the  hip ; 
Besides,  you   darned   ole    fool,    it  aint   no   gret   of  a 

disaster 

To  be  benev'lently  druv  back  to  a  contented  master, 
Ware   you   hed  Christian   priv'ledges   you  don't  seem 

quite  aware  of, 
Or  you  'd   ha'  never  run  away  from  bein'  well  took 

care  of; 
Ez  fer  kin'  treatment,  wy,  he  wuz  so  fond  on  ye,  he 

said 
He  'd  give  a  fifty  spot  right  out,  to  git  ye,  'live  or 

dead ; 
Wite  folks  aint  sot  by  half  ez  much ;  'member  I  run 

away, 
Wen  I  wuz  bound  to  Cap'n  Jakes,  to  Mattysqumscot 


136  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

Don'  know  him,  likely  ?     Spose  not ;  wal,  the  mean  ole 

codger  went 
An'  offered  —  wut  reward,  think?     Wal,  it  worn't  no 

less  'n  a  cent." 

Wal,  I  jest  gut  'em  into  line,  an  druv  'em  on  afore  me, 
The   pis'nous  brutes,  I  'd  no  idee  o'  the  ill-will   they 

bore  me ; 
We  walked  till  som'ers  about  noon,  an'  then  it  grew 

so  hot 

I  thought  it  best  to  camp  awile,  so  I  chose  out  a  spot 
Jest  under  a  magnoly  tree,  an'  there  right  down  I  sot ; 
Then  I   unstrapped   my  wooden  leg,  coz  it  begun  to 

chafe, 

An'  laid  it  down  jest  by  my  side,  supposin'  all  wuz  safe  : 
I  made  my  darkies  all  set  down  around  me  in  a  ring, 
An'  sot   an'  kin'   o'   ciphered   up   how   much   the    lot 

would  bring ; 
But,  wile  I  drinked  the  peaceful  cup  of  a  pure  heart 

an'  mind, 
(Mixed   with   some   wiskey,  now  an'  then,)  Pomp  he 

snaked  up  behind, 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  137 

An',  creepin'  grad'lly  close  tu,  ez  quiet  ez  a  mink, 
Jest  grabbed  my  leg,  and  then  pulled  foot,  quicker  'an 

you  could  wink, 
An',  come  to  look,  they  each  on  'em  hed  gut  behin'  a 

tree, 
An'  Pomp  poked  out  the  leg  a  piece,  jest  so  ez  I  could 

see, 
An'  yelled  to   me  to  throw   away   my   pistils  an'  my 

gun, 
Oi   else  thet  they  'd  cair  off  the  leg  an'  fairly  cut  the 

run. 

I  vow  I  did  n't  b'lieve  there  wuz  a  decent  alligatur 
Thet  hed  a  heart  so  destitoot  o'  common  human  natur  ; 
However,  ez  there  worn't  no  help,  I  finally  give  in 
An'  heft  my  arms  away  to  git  my  leg  safe  back  agin. 
Pomp  gethered  all  the  weapins  up,  an'  then  he  come 

an'  grinned, 
lie  showed  his  ivory  some,  I  guess,  an'  sez,  "  You  're 

fairly  pinned ; 

Jest  buckle  on  your  leg  agin,  an'  git  right  up  an'  come, 
'T  wun't  du  fer  fammerly  men  like  me  to  be  so  long 

from  hum." 


138  THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 

At  fust  I  put  my  foot  right  down  an'  swore  I  would  n't 

budge. 
"  Jest  ez  you   choose,"  sez  he,  quite  rool,  "  either  be 

shot  or  trudge." 
So  this  black-hearted  monster  took  an'  act'lly  druv  me 

back 

Along  the  very  feetmarks  o'  my  happy  mornin'  track, 
An'  kep'  me  pris'ner  'bout  six  months,  an'  worked  me, 

tu,  like  sin, 

Till  I  hed  gut  his  corn  an'  his  Carliny  taters  in ; 
He  made  me  larn  him  readin',  tu,  (although  the  crittur 

saw 
How   much   it  hut   my   morril   sense  to  act  agin  the 

law,) 
So  'st  he  could  read  a  Bible  he  'd  gut ;  an'  axed  ef  I 

could  pint 
The  North  Star  out ;  but  there  I  put  his  nose  some  out 

o'  jint, 
Per  1   weeled    roun'  about  sou'west,  an',  lookin'  up  a 

bit, 
Picked   out  a   middlin'   shiny  one   an'   tole   him    thet 

wuz  it. 


THE     BIGLOW     PAPERS.  139 

Fin'lly,  he  took  me  to  the  door,  an',  givin'  me  a  kick, 
Sez,  —  "  Ef  you  know  wut  's  best  fer  ye,  be  off,  now, 

double-quick ; 
The  winter-time  's  a  comin'  on,  an',  though  I  gut  ye 

cheap, 
You  're  so  darned   lazy,  I  don't  think  you  're  hardly 

wuth  your  keep ; 
Besides,  the  childrin's  growin'  up,  an'  you  aint  jest  the 

model 
I  'd  like  to  hev  'em  immertate,  an'  so  you  'd  better 

toddle ! " 

Now  is  there  any  thin'  on  airth  '11  ever  prove  to  me 
Thet    renegader    slaves    like    him    air    fit    fer    bein' 

free  ? 
D'  you  think  they  '11  suck  me  in  to  jine  the  Buff'lo 

chaps,  an'  them 

Rank  infidels  thet  go  agin  the  Scriptur'l  cus  o'  Shem  ? 
Not  by  a  jugfull !  sooner  'n  thet,  I  'd  go  thru  fire  an' 

water ; 
Wen  I  hev  once  made  up  my  mind,  a  meet'nhus  aint 

sotter ; 


140 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS. 


No,  not  though  all  the  crows  thet  flies  to  pick  my  bones 

wuz  cawin', — 

I  guess  we  're  in  a  Christian  land, — 
Yourn, 

BIRDOFREDUM  SAWIN. 


[  Here,  patient  reader,  we  take  leave  of  each  other,  I  trust  with 
some  mutual  satisfaction.  I  say  patient,  for  I  love  not  that  kind 
which  skims  dippingly  over  the  surface  of  the  page,  as  swallows 
over  a  pool  before  rain.  By  such  no  pearls  shall  be  gathered. 
But  if  no  pearls  there  be  (as,  indeed,  the  world  is  not  without  ex 
ample  of  books  wherefrom  the  longest-winded  diver  shall  bring 
up  no  more  than  his  proper  handful  of  mud),  yet  let  us  hope 
that  an  oyster  or  two  may  reward  adequate  perseverance.  If 
neither  pearls  nor  oysters,  yet  is  patience  itself  a  gem  worth 
diving  deeply  for. 

It  may  seem  to  some  that  too  much  space  has  been  usurped  by 
my  own  private  lucubrations,  and  some  may  be  fain  to  bring 
against  me  that  old  jest  of  him  who  preached  all  his  hearers  out 
of  the  meeting-house  save  only  the  sexton,  who,  remaining  for  yet 
a  little  space,  from  a  sense  of  .official  duty,  at  last  gave  out  also, 
and,  presenting  the  keys,  humbly  requested  our  preacher  to  lock 
the  doors,  when  he  should  have  wholly  relieved  himself  of  his 
testimony.  I  confess  to  a  satisfaction  in  the  self  act  of  preaching, 
nor  do  I  esteem  a  discourse  to  be  wholly  thrown  away  even  upon 
a  sleeping  or  unintelligent  auditory.  I  cannot  easily  believe  that 
the  Gospel  of  Saint  John,  which  Jacques  Cartier  ordered  to  be  read 


THE     BIGLOW    PAPERS.  14l 


in  the  Latin  tongue  to  the  Canadian  savages,  upon  his  first  meet 
ing  with  them,  fell  altogether  upon  stony  ground.  For  the  earnest 
ness  of  the  preacher  is  a  sermon  appreciable  by  dullest  intellects 
and  most  alien  ears.  In  this  wise  did  Episcopius  convert  many 
to  his  opinions,  who  yet  understood  not  the  language  in  which 
he  discoursed.  The  chief  thing  is,  that  the  messenger  believe 
that  he  has  an  authentic  message  to  deliver.  For  counterfeit 
messengers  that  mode  of  treatment  which  Father  John  de  Piano 
Carpini  relates  to  have  prevailed  among  the  Tartars  would  seem 
effectual,  and,  perhaps,  deserved  enough.  For  my  own  part,  I 
may  lay  claim  to  so  much  of  the  spirit  of  martyrdom  as  would 
have  led  me  to  go  into  banishment  with  those  clergymen  whom 
Alphonso  the  Sixth  of  Portugal  drave  out  of  his  kingdom  for  re 
fusing  to  shorten  their  pulpit  eloquence.  It  is  possible,  that,  hav 
ing  been  invited  into  my  brother  Biglow's  desk,  I  may  have  been 
too  little  scrupulous  in  using  it  for  the  venting  of  my  own  pe 
culiar  doctrines  to  a  congregation  drawn  together  in  the  expec 
tation  and  with  the  desire  of  hearing  him. 

I  am  not  wholly  unconscious  of  a  peculiarity  of  mental  organiza 
tion  which  impels  me,  like  the  railroad-engine  with  its  train  of  cars, 
to  run  backward  for  a  short  distance  in  order  to  obtain  a  fairer 
start.  I  may  compare  myself  to  one  fishing  from  the  rocks  when 
the  sea  runs  high,  who,  misinterpreting  the  suction  of  the  under 
tow  for  the  biting  of  some  larger  fish,  jerks  suddenly,  and  finds 
that  he  has  caught  bottom,  hauling  in  upon  the  end  of  his  line  a 
trail  of  various  algce,  among  which,  nevertheless,  the  naturalist 
may  haply  find  somewhat  to  repay  the  disappointment  of  the  an 
gler.  Yet  have  I  conscientiously  endeavoured  to  adapt  myself  to 
the  impatient  temper  of  the  age,  daily  degenerating  more  and 
more  from  the  high  standard  of  our  pristine  New  England.  To 


142  THE     EIGLOW    PAPERS. 


the  catalogue  of  lost  arts  I  would  mournfully  add  also  that  of 
listening  to  two-hour  sermons.  Surely  we  have  been  abridged 
into  a  race  of  pigmies.  For,  truly,  in  those  of  the  old  discourses 
yet  subsisting  to  us  in  print,  the  endless  spinal  column  of  divisions 
and  subdivisions  can  be  likened  to  nothing  so  exactly  as  to  the 
vertebras  of  the  saurians,  whence  the  theorist  may  conjecture  a 
race  of  Anakim  proportionate  to  the  withstanding  of  these  other 
monsters.  I  say  Anakim  rather  than  Nephelim,  because  there 
seem  reasons  for  supposing  that  the  race  of  those  whose  heads 
(though  no  giants)  are  constantly  enveloped  in  clouds  (which  that 
name  imports)  will  never  become  extinct.  The  attempt  to  van 
quish  the  innumerable  heads  of  one  of  those  aforementioned  dis 
courses  may  supply  us  with  a  plausible  interpretation  of  the  sec 
ond  labor  of  Hercules,  and  his  successful  experiment  with  fire 
affords  us  a  useful  precedent. 

But  while  I  lament  the  degeneracy  of  the  age  in  this  regard,  I 
cannot  refuse  to  succumb  to  its  influence.  Looking  out  through 
my  study-window,  I  see  Mr.  Biglow  at  a  distance  busy  in  gather 
ing  his  Baldwins,  of  which,  to  judge  by  the  number  of  barrels 
lying  about  under  the  trees,  his  crop  is  more  abundant  than  my 
own,  —  by  which  sight  I  am  admonished  to  turn  to  those  orchards 
of  the  mind  wherein  my  labors  may  be  more  prospered,  and  apply 
myself  diligently  to  the  preparation  of  my  next  Sabbath's  dis 
course.  —  H.  W.] 


GLOSSARY. 


Act'lly,  actually. 
Air,  are. 
Ainh,  earth. 
Ar.y,  area, 
Aree,  area. 
Arter,  after. 
Ax,  ask. 

B. 

Seller,  bellow. 
Bellowses,  lungs. 
Ben,  been. 
Bile,  boil 

Bimeby,  by  and  by. 
Blurt  out,  to  speak  bluntly. 
Bust,  burst. 

Buster,  a  roistering  blade;  used 
also  as  a  general  superlative. 


C. 

Caird,  carried. 
Cairn,  carrying. 
Caleb,  a  turncoat. 
Cal'late,  calculate. 
Cass,  a  person  with  two  lives. 
Close,  clothes. 
Cockerel,  a  young  cock. 
Cocktail,  a  kind  of  drink ;  also, 
an  ornament  peculiar  to  soldiers. 


Convention,  a  place   where  peo~ 
pie  are  imposed  on ;  a  juggler's 


Coons,  a  cant  term  for  a  now  de 
funct  party ;  derived,  perhaps, 
from  the  fact  of  their  being 
commonly  up  a  tree. 

Cornwallis,  a  sort  of  muster  in 
masquerade;  supposed  to  have 
had  its  origin  soon  after  the 
Revolution,  and  to  commem 
orate  the  surrender  of  Lord 
Cornwallis.  It  took  the  place 
of  the  old  Guy  Fawkes  pro 
cession. 

Crooked  stick,  a  perverse,  fro- 
ward  person. 

Cunnle,  a  colonel. 

Cus,  a  curse ;  also,  a  pitiful  fellow. 


D. 

Darsn't,  used  indiscriminately, 
either  in  singular  or  plural 
number,  for  dare  not,  dares  not, 
and  dared  not. 

Deacon  off,  to  give  the  cue  to; 
derived  from  a  custom,  once 
universal,  but  now  extinct,  in 
our  New  England  Congrega 
tional  churches.  An  impor 
tant  part  of  the  office  of  dea 
con  was  to  read  aloud  the 


144 


GLOSSARY. 


hymns  given  out  by  the  min 
ister,  one  line  at  a  time,  the 
congregation  singing  each  line 
as  soon  as  read. 

Demmercrat,  leadin',  one  in  fa 
vor  of  extending  slavery ;  a  free- 
trade  lecturer  maintained  in  the 
custom-house. 

Desput,  desperate. 

Doos,  does. 

Doughface,  a  contented  lick-spittle  ; 
a  common  variety  of  Northern 
politician. 

Dror,  draw. 

Du,  do. 

Dunno,  dno,  do  not  or  does  not 
know. 

Dut,  dirt. 


E. 

Eend,  end. 
Ef,!/ 

Emptins,  yeast. 
Env'y,  envoy. 

Everlasting,  an  intensive,  with 
out  reference  to  duration. 
Ev'y,  every. 
Ez,  as. 


F. 

Fer,  for. 

Ferfle,   ferful,  fearful  ;   also   an 
intensive. 


Fish-  skin,  used  in  New  England 

to  clarify  coffee. 
Fix,  a  difficulty,  a  nonplus. 
Foller,  folly,  to  follow. 
Forrerd,  forward. 


Furrer,  furrow.    Metaphorically, 

to  draw  a  straight  farrow  is  to 
live  uprightly  or  decorously. 
Fust,./irs£. 


G. 

Gin,  gave. 

Git,  get. 

Gret,  great. 

Grit,  spirit,  energy,  pluck. 

Grout,  to  sulk. 

Grouty,  crabbed,  surly. 

Gum,  to  impose  on. 

Gump,  a  foolish  fellow,  a  dullard, 

Gut,  got. 


H. 

Hed,  had. 
Hecrn,  heard. 
Helium,  helm. 
Hendy,  handy. 
Het,  heated. 
Hev,  have. 
Hez,  has. 
Holl,  whole. 
Holt,  hold. 
Huf,  hoof. 
Hull,  whole. 
Hum,  home. 

Humbug,  General  Taylor's  anti- 
slavery. 
Hut,  hurt. 


1. 


Idno,  I  do  not  know. 

In'my,  enemy. 

Insines,  ensigns ;  used  to  desig 
nate  both  the  officer  who  car 
ries  the  standard,  and  the 
standard  itself. 

Inter,  intu,  into. 


GLOSSARY. 


145 


J. 


Jedge,  judge. 
Jest,  just. 
Jine,  join. 
Jint,  joint. 

Junk,  a  fragment  of  any  solid  sub 
stance. 

K. 

Keer,  care. 

Kep,  kept. 

Killock,  a  small  anchor. 

Kin',  kin'  o',  kinder,  kind,  kind  of. 


Lawth,  leath. 

Let  day-light  into,  to  shoot. 

Let  on,  to  hint,  to  confess,  to  own. 

Lick,  to  beat,  to  overcome. 

Lights,  the  bowels. 

Lily-pads,  leaves  of  the  water-lily. 

Long-sweetening,  molasses. 


M. 

Mash,  marsh. 

Mean,  stingy,  ill-natured. 

Min',  mind. 


N. 

Nimepunce,  ninepence,  twelve  and 

a  half  cents. 
No  were,  nowhere. 


O. 


Offen,  often. 
Ole,  old. 


Oilers,  olluz,  always. 

On,  of;  used  before  it  or  them,  or 
at  the  end  of  a  sentence,  as, 
on  V,  on  'em,  nut  ez  ever  I  heerd 
on. 

On'y,  only. 

Ossifer,  officer  (seldom  heard). 


P. 

Peaked,  pointed. 

Peek,  to  peep. 

Pickerel,  the  pike,  a  fish. 

Pint,  point. 

Pocket  full  of  rocks,  plenty  of 

money. 

Pooty,  pretty. 
Pop'fer,  conceited,  popular. 
Pus,  purse. 
Put  out,  troubled,  vexed. 


Q. 

Quarter,  a  quarter-dollar. 
Queen's  arm,  a  musket. 


R. 

Resh,  rush. 

Revelee,  the  reveille. 

Rile,  to  trouble. 

Riled,  angry ;    disturbed,  as  the 

sediment  in  any  liquid. 
Riz,  risen. 
Row,  a  long  row  to  hoe,  a  diffi 

cult  task. 
Rugged,  robust. 


S. 

Sarse,  abuse,  impertinence. 
Sartin,  certain. 


10 


146 


GLOSSARY. 


Saxon,  sacristan,  sexton. 

Scaliest,  worst. 

Scringe,  cringe. 

Scrouge,  to  crowd. 

Sech,  such. 

Set  by,  valued. 

Shakes,  great,  of  considerable  con- 


Shappoes,  chapeaux,  cocked-hats. 

Sheer,  share. 

Shet,  shut. 

Shut,  shirt. 

Skeered,  scared. 

Skeeter,  mosquito. 

Skooting,  running,  or  moving 
swiftly. 

Slarterin',  slaughtering. 

Slim,  contemptible. 

Snaked,  crawled  like  a  snake ;  but 
to  snake  any  one  out  is  to  track 
him  to  his  hiding-place;  to 
snake  a  thing  out  is  to  snatch 
it  out. 

Soffies,  sofas. 

Sogerin',  soldiering ;  a  barbarous 
amusement  common  among 
men  in  the  savage  state. 

Som'ers,  somewhere. 

So  'st,  so  as  that. 

Sot,  set,  obstinate,  resolute. 

Spiles,  spoils;  objects  of  political 
ambition. 

Spry,  active. 

Staddles,  stout  stakes  driven  in 
to  the  salt  marshes,  on  which 
the  hay-ricks  are  set,  and  thus 
raised  out  of  the  reach  of  high 
tides. 

Streaked,  uncomfortable,  discom 
fited. 

Suckle,  circle. 

Sutthin',  something. 

Suttin,  certain. 


T. 

Take  on,  to  sorrow. 

Talents,  talons. 

Taters,  potatoes. 

Tell,  till 

Tetch,  touch. 

Tetch  tu,  to  be  able ;  used  always 
after  a  negative  in  this  sense. 

Tollable,  tolerable. 

Toot,  used  derisively  for  playing 
on  any  wind  instrument. 

Thru,  through. 

Thundering,  a  euphemism  com 
mon  in  New  England,  for  the 
profane  English  expression 
devilish.  Perhaps  derived  from 
the  belief,  common  formerly, 
that  thunder  was  caused  by  the 
Prince  of  the  Air,  for  some  of 
whose  accomplishments  con 
sult  Cotton  Mather. 

Tu,  to,  too;  commonly  has  this 
sound  when  used  emphatical 
ly,  or  at  the  end  of  a  sentence. 
At  other  times  it  has  the  sound 
of  t  in  tough,  as,  Ware  ye  goin' 
tu  ?  Goin\  ta  Boston. 

U. 

Ugly,  ill-tempered,  intractable. 
Uncle  Sam,   United  States;  the 

largest  boaster  of  liberty  and 

.owner  of  slaves. 
Unrizzest,  applied  to  dough  or 

bread;  heavy,  most  unrisen,  or 

most  incapable  of  rising. 

V. 

V  spot,  a  Jive-dollar  bitt. 
Vally,  value. 


GLOSSARY. 


147 


W. 

Wake  snakes,  to  get  into  trouble. 

Wai,  well;  spoken  with  great 
deliberation,  and  sometimes 
with  the  a  very  much  flat 
tened,  sometimes  (but  more 
seldom)  very  much  broadened. 

Wannut,  walnut  (hickory'). 

Ware,  where. 

Ware,  were. 

WTiopper,  an  uncommonly  large 
lie ;  as,  that  General  Taylor  is 
in  favor  of  the  Wilmot  Pro 
viso. 

Wig,  Whig ;  a  party  now  dis 
solved. 

Wunt,  will  not. 

Wus,  worse. 

Wut,  what. 


Wuth,  worth  ;  as,  Antislacery  per- 
fessions  ''fore  'lection  aint  wuth  a 
Bungtown  copper. 
Wuz,  was,  sometimes  were. 


Y. 

Yaller,  yelloiv. 
Teller,  yellow. 
Tellers,  a  disease  of  peach-trees. 


Zach,  Ole,  a  second  Washington, 
an  antislavery  slaveliolder,  a 
humane  buyer  and  seller  of  men 
and  women,  a  Christian  Jiero 
generally. 


INDEX. 


A. 

A.  B.,  information  wanted  con 
cerning,  86. 

Adam,  eldest  son  of,  respected, 
11. 

./Eneas  goes  to  hell,  114. 

^Eolus,  a  seller  of  money,  as  is 
supposed  by  some,  115. 

^schylus,  a  saying  of,  58,  note.. 

Alligator,  a  decent  one  conjec 
tured  to  be,  in  some  sort,  hu 
mane,  137. 

Alphonso  the  Sixth  of  Portugal, 
tyrannical  act  of,  141. 

Ambrose,  Saint,  excellent  (but 
rationalistic)  sentiment  of, 
40. 

"  American  Citizen,"  new  com 
post  so  called,  118. 

American  Eagle,  a  source 
of  inspiration,  50  —  hitherto 
wrongly  classed,  58  —  long 
bill  of,  59. 

Amos,  cited,  40. 

Anakim,  that  they  formerly  ex 
isted,  shown,  142. 

Angels,  providentially  speak 
French,  28  —  conjectured  to 
be  skilled  in  all  tongues,  ib. 

Anglo- Saxondom,  its  idea,  what, 
26. 

Anglo-Saxon  mask,  26. 

Anglo-Saxon  race,  20. 


Anglo-Saxon  verse,  by  whom 
earned  to  perfection,  13. 

Antonius,  a  speech  of,  45  —  by 
whom  best  reported,  ib. 

Apocalypse,  beast  in,  magnetic 
to  theologians,  94. 

Apollo,  confessed  mortal  by  his 
own  oracle,  94. 

Apollyon,  his  tragedies  popular, 
82. 

Appian,  an  Alexandrian,  not 
equal  to  Shakspeare  as  an 
orator,  45. 

Ararat,  ignorance  of  foreign 
tongues  is  an,  60. 

Arcadian  background,  120. 

Aristophanes,  39. 

Arms,  profession  of,  once  es 
teemed  especially  that  of  gen 
tlemen,  12. 

Arnold,  47. 

Ashland,  120. 

As  tor,  Jacob,  a  rich  man,  103. 

Astrsea,  nineteenth  century  for 
saken  by,  116. 

Athenians,  ancient,  an  institu 
tion  of,  46. 

Atherton,  Senator,  envies  the 
loon,  69. 

Austin,  St.,  profane  wish  of,  48. 
note. 

Aye- Aye,  the,  an  African  ani 
mal,  America  supposed  to  be 
settled  by,  31. 


150 


INDEX. 


B. 

Babel,  probably  the  first  Con 
gress,  60  —  a  gabble-mill,  ib. 

Baby,  a  low-priced  one,  112. 

Bagowind,  Hon.  Mr.,  whether  to 
be  damned,  72. 

Baldwin  apples,  142. 

Baratarias,  real  or  imaginary, 
which  most  pleasant,  116. 

Barnum,  a  great  natural  curiosi 
ty  recommended  to»55. 

Barrels,  an  inference  from  see 
ing,  142. 

Baton  Rouge,  120  —  strange  pe 
culiarities  of  laborers  at,  121. 

Baxter,  R.,  a  saying  of,  41. 

Bay,  Mattysqumscot,  135. 

Bay  State,  singular  effect  pro 
duced  on  military  officers  by 
leaving  it,  27. 

Beast  in  Apocalypse,  a  load 
stone  for  whom,  94. 

Beelzebub,  his  rigadoon,  70. 

Behmen,  his  letters  not  letters, 
86. 

Sellers,  a  saloon-keeper,  126  — 
inhumanly  refuses  credit  to  a 
presidential  candidate,  127. 

Billow,  Ezekiel,  his  letter  to 
Hon.  J.  T.  Buckingham,  1  — 
never  heard  of  any  one  named 
Mundishes,  3  —  nearly  four 
score  years  old,  ib.  —  his  aunt 
Keziah,  a  notable  saying  of,  ib. 

Biglow,  Hosea,  excited  by  com 
position,  2 —  a  poem  by,  3,75 

—  his    opinion    of  war,   5  — 
wanted  at  home  by  Nancy,  8 

—  recommends  a  forcible  en 
listment  of  warlike  editors,  ib. 

—  would  not  wonder,  if  gen 
erally  agreed  with,  9  —  versi 
fies  letter  of  Mr.  Sawin,  13  — 
a   letter    from,    14,   65  —  his 
opinion  of  Mr.  Sawin,  15  — 


does  not  deny  fun  at  Corn 
wallis,  16,  note  —  his  idea  of 
militia  glory,  21,  note  —  a  pun 
of,  22,  note  —  is  uncertain  in 
regard  to  people  of  Boston,  ib. 

—  had  never    heard    of   Mr. 
John   P.  Robinson,  32  —  all- 
quid  sufflaminandus,   33  —  his 
poems    attributed    to    a  Mr. 
Lowell,  38  —  is  unskilled  in 
Latin,  39 — his    poetry    ma 
ligned  by  some,  ib.  —  his  dis 
interestedness,  ib. — his  deep 
share  in  commonweal,   ib.  — 
his  claim   to   the  presidency, 
40  —  his    mowing,    ib.  —  re 
sents  being  called  Whig,  41  — 
opposed  to  tariff,  ib. — obsti 
nate,  ib.  —  infected  with  pecu 
liar    notions,    ib.  —  reports   a 
speech,  45  —  emulates   histo 
rians    of  antiquity,   ib.  —  his 
character  sketched  from  a  hos 
tile  point  of  view,  59  —  a  re 
quest  of  his  complied  with,  73 

—  appointed  at  a  public  meet 
ing  in  Jaalam,  87  —  confesses 
ignorance,  in  one  minute  par 
ticular,  of  propriety,  ib.  —  his 
opinion  of  cocked  hats,  ib.  — 
letter  to,  88  —  called  "Dear 
Sir,"  by  a  general,  ib.  —  prob 
ably   receives    same    compli 
ment  from  two  hundred  and 
nine,   87 — picks   his    apples, 
142  —  his  crop   of    Baldwins 
conjecturally. large,  ib. 

Billings,  Dea.  Cephas,  17. 
Birch,   virtue    of,    in    instilling 

certain  of  the  dead  languages, 

114. 
Bird  of  our  country  sings  ho- 

sanna,  20. 
Blind,  to  go  it,  111. 
Blitz    pulls    ribbons    from    his 

mouth,  19. 


INDEX. 


151 


Bluenose  potatoes,  smell  of,  ea 
gerly  desired,  21. 

Bobtail  obtains  a  cardinal's  hat, 
31. 

Bolles,  Mr.  Secondary,  author 
of  prize  peace  essay,  19  — 
presents  sword  to  Lieutenant- 
Colonel,  ib.  —  a  fluent  orator, 
ib.  —  found  to  be  in  error, 
21. 

Bonaparte,  N.,  a  usurper,  94. 

Boot-trees,  productive,  where, 
114. 

Boston,  people  of,  supposed  ed 
ucated,  22,  note. 

Brahmins,  navel-contemplating, 
84. 

Bread-trees,  113. 

Brigadier-Generals  in  militia, 
devotion  of,  44. 

Brown,  Mr.,  engages  in  an  un 
equal  contest,  72. 

Browne,  Sir.  T.,  a  pious  and  wise 
sentiment  of,  cited  and  com 
mended,  14. 

Buckingham,  Hon.  J.  T.,  editor 
of  the  Boston  Courier,  letters 
to,  1,  13,  38,  65 — not  afraid, 
15. 

Buffalo,  a  plan  hatched  there, 
130  —  plaster,  a  prophecy  in 
regard  to,  13 J. 

Buncombe,  in  the  other  world 
supposed,  46. 

Bung,  the  eternal,  thought  to  be 
loose,  8. 

Bungtown  Fencibles,  dinner  of, 
31. 

Butter  in  Irish  bogs,  113 


C. 

C.,    General,    commended    for 

parts,  34  —  for  ubiquity,  ib.  — 
for  consistency,  ib.  —  for  fidel 


ity,  ib.  —  is  in  favor  of  war, 
35 — his  curious  valuation  of 
principle,  ib. 

Caesar,  tribute  to,  78  — his  veni, 
vidi,  vici,  censured  for  undue 
prolixity,  96. 

Cainites,  sect  of,  supposed  still 
extant,  11. 

Caleb,  a  monopoly  of  his  denied, 
18  —  curious  notions  of,  as  to 
meaning  of  "  shelter,"  24  — 
his  definition  of  Anglo-Saxon, 
25  —  charges  Mexicans  (not 
with  bayonets,  but)  with  im 
proprieties,  ib. 

Calhoun,  Hon.  J.  C.,  his  cow 
bell  curfew,  light  of  the  nine 
teenth  century  to  be  extin 
guished  at  sound  of,  63  — 
cannot  let  go  apron-string  of 
the  Past,  64  —  his  unsuccess 
ful  tilt  at  Spirit  of  the  Age, 
ib.  —  the  Sir  Kay  of  modern 
chivalry,  ib. — his  anchor  made 
of  a  crooked  pin,  65  —  men 
tioned,  66  -  70. 

Cambridge  Platform,  use  discov 
ered  for,  30. 

Canary  Islands,  114. 

Candidate,  presidental,  letter 
from,  88  — smells  a  rat,  ib. — 
against  a  bank,  90  —  takes  a 
revolving  position,  ib.  —  opin 
ion  of  pledges,  ib.  —  is  a  peri 
wig,  ib.  —  fronts  south  by 
north,  92  —  qualifications  of, 
lessening,  96  —  wooden  leg 
(and  head)  useful  to,  109. 

Cape  Cod  clergymen,  what,  30 
—  Sabbath-breakers,  perhaps, 
reproved  by,  ib. 

Carpini,  Father  John  de  Piano, 
among  the  Tartars,  141. 

Cartier,  Jacques,  commendable 
zeal  of,  140. 

Cass,  General,  67  —  clearness  of 


152 


INDEX. 


his  merit,  68 — limited  popu 
larity  at  "  Bellers's,"  126. 

Castles,  Spanish,  comfortable  ac 
commodations  in,  116. 

Cato,  letters  of,  so  called,  sus 
pended  naso  adunco,  86. 

C-  D.,  friends  of,  can  hear  of 
him,  86. 

Chalk  egg,  we  are  proud  of  in 
cubation  of,  85. 

Chappelow  on  Job,  a  copy  of, 
lost,  74. 

Cherubusco,  news  of,  its  effects 
on  English  royalty,  57. 

Chesterfield  no  letter-writer,  86. 

Chief  Magistrate,  dancing  es 
teemed  sinful  by,  30. 

Children  naturally  speak  He 
brew,  13. 

China- tree,  114. 

Chinese,  whether  they  invented 
gunpowder  before  the  Chris 
tian  era  not  considered,  30. 

Choate  hired,  129. 

Christ  shuffled  into  Apocrypha, 
31  — conjectured  to  disapprove 
of  slaughter  and  pillage,  35 
—  condemns  a  certain  piece 
of  barbarism,  72. 

Christianity,  profession  of,  ple 
beian,  whether,  13. 

Christian  soldiers,  perhaps  in 
consistent,  whether,  44. 

Cicero,  an  opinion  of,  disputed, 
95. 

Cilley,  Ensign,  author  of  nefari 
ous  sentiment,  31. 

Cimex  lectularius,  11. 

Cincinnatus,  a  stock  character 
in  modern  comedy,  120. 

Civilization,  progress  of,  an  alias, 
74  —  rides  upon  a  powder- 
cart,  89. 

Clergymen,  their  ill  husbandry, 
73 — their  place  in  proces 
sions,  118 — some,  cruelly  ban 


ished  for  the  soundness  of 
their  lungs,  141. 

Cocked-hat,  advantages  of  being 
knocked  into,  37. 

College  of  Cardinals,  a  strange 
one,  31. 

Colman,  Dr.  Benjamin,  anecdote 
of,  44. 

Colored  folks,  curious  national 
diversion  of  kicking,  24. 

Colquitt,  a  remark  of,  69  —  ac 
quainted  with  some  principles 
of  aerostation,  ib. 

Columbia,  District  of,  its  peculiar 
climatic  effects,  49  —  not  cer 
tain  that  Martin  is  for  abol 
ishing  it,  131. 

Columbus,  a  Paul  Pry  of  genius, 
85. 

Columby,  124. 

Complete  Letter- Writer,  fatal 
gift  of,  93. 

Compostella,  St.  James  of,  seen, 
28. 

Congress,  singular  consequence 
of  getting  into,  49. 

Congressional  debates,  found  in 
structive,  61. 

Constituents,  useful  for  what,  50. 

Constitution  trampled  on,  66  — 
to  stand  upon,  what,  89. 

Convention,  what,  49,  50. 

Convention,  Springfield,  49. 

Coon,  old,  pleasure  in  skinning. 
68. 

Coppers,  caste  in  picking  up  of, 
106. 

Copres,  a  monk,  his  excellent 
method  of  arguing,  61. 

Cornwallis,  a,  16  —  acknowl 
edged  entertaining,  ?7>.,  note. 

Cotton  Mather,  summoned  as 
witness,  28. 

Country  lawyers,  sent  providen 
tially,  36. 

Country,    our,    its     boundaries 


INDEX. 


153 


more  exactly  defined,  37  — 
right  or  wrong,  nonsense 
about  exposed,  ib. 

Courier,  The  Boston,  an  unsafe 
print,  59. 

Court,  General,  farmers  some 
times  attain  seats  in,  121. 

Cowper,  W.,  his  letters  com 
mended,  86. 

C/eed,  a  safe  kind  of,  110. 

Crusade,  first  American,  29. 

Cuneiform  script  recommended, 
96. 

Curiosity  distinguishes  man  from 
brutes,  84. 


D. 

Davis,  Mr.,  of  Mississippi,  a  re 
mark  of  his,  68. 

Day  and  Martin,  proverbially 
"  on  hand,"  2. 

Death,  rings  down  curtain,  82. 

Delphi,  oracle  of,  surpassed,  58, 
note  —  alluded  to,  94. 

Destiny,  her  account,  56. 

Devil,  the,  unskilled  in  certain 
Indian  tongues,  28. 

Dey  of  Tripoli,  63. 

Diaz,  Bernal,  has  a  vision,  28 
—  his  relationship  to  the  Scar 
let  Woman,  ib. 

Didymus,  a  somewhat  volumi 
nous  grammarian,  94. 

Dighton  rock  character  might 
be  usefully  employed  in  some 
emergencies,  96. 

Dimitry  Bruisgins,  fresh  supply 
of,  83. 

Diogenes,  his  zeal  for  propagat 
ing  certain  variety  of  olive, 
114. 

Dioscuri,  imps  of  the  pit,  29. 

District-Attorney,  contemptible 
conduct  of  one,  63. 


Ditch  water  on  brain,  a  too  com 
mon  ailing,  62. 

Doctor,  the,  a  proverbial  saying 
of,  27. 

DoughfacQ,  yeast-proof,  79.        » 

Drayton,  a  martyr,  G3  —  north 
star,  culpable  for  aiding, 

1   whether,  71. 


E. 

Earth,  Dame,  a  peep  at  hei 
housekeeping,  64. 

Eating  words,  habit  of,  conven 
ient  in  time  of  famine,  55. 

Eavesdroppers,  84. 

Editor,  his  position,  73  —  com 
manding  pulpit  of,  74  —  large 
congregation  of,  ib.  —  name 
derived  from  what,  75  —  fond 
ness  for  mutton,  ib.  —  a  pious 
one,  his  creed,  ib.  —  a  show 
man,  81  — in  danger  of  sud 
den  arrest,  without  bail,  82. 

Editors,  certain  ones  who  crow 
like  cockerels,  8. 

Egyptian  darkness,  phial  of,  use 
for,  96. 

Eldorado,"  Mr.  Sawin  sets  sail 
for,  113. 

Elizabeth,  Queen,  mistake  of 
her  ambassador  46. 

Empedocles,  85. 

Employment,  regular,  a  good 
thing,  105. 

Epaulets,  perhaps  no  badge  of 
saintship,  35. 

Episcopius,  his  marvellous  ora 
tory,  141. 

Eric,  king  of  Sweden,  his  cap, 
115.  ' 

Evangelists,  iron  ones,  30. 

Eyelids,  a  divine  shield  against 
authors,  61. 

Ezekiel,  text  taken  from,  73. 


154 


INDEX. 


F. 

Factory-girls,  expected  rebellion 
of,  69. 

Flimily-trees.  fruit  of  jejune,  114. 

Faneuil  Hall,  a  place  where  per 
sons  tap  themselves  for  a  spe 
cies  of  hydrocephalus,  62  — 
a  bill  of  fare  mendaciously 
advertised  in,  113. 

Father  of  country,  his  shoes, 
122. 

Female  Papists,  cut  off  in  midst 
of  idolatry,  117. 

Fire,  we  all  like  to  play  with  it, 
64. 

Fish,  emblematic,  but  disregard 
ed,  where,  62. 

Flam,  President,  untrustworthy, 
51. 

Fly-leaves,  providential  increase 
of,  61. 

Foote,  Mr.,  his  taste  for  field- 
sports,  66. 

Fourier,  a  squinting  toward, 
59. 

Fourth  of  Julys,  boiling,  47. 

France,  a  strange  dance  begun 
in,  70. 

Fuller,  Dr.  Thomas,  a  wise  say 
ing  of,  33. 

Funnel,  Old,  hurraing  in,  18. 


G. 

Gawain,  Sir,  his  amusements, 
65. 

Gay,  S.  H.,  Esquire,  editor  of 
National  Antislavery  Stand 
ard,  letter  to,  84. 

Getting  up  early,  5,  25. 

Ghosts,  some,  presumed  fidgetty, 
(but  see  Stilling's  Pneumatol- 
ogy,)  86. 

Giants  formerly  stupid,  85. 


Gift  of  tongues,  distressing  case 
of,  61. 

Globe  Theatre,  cheap  season- 
ticket  to,  82. 

Glory,  a  perquisite  of  officers, 
107 — her  account  with  B. 
Sawin,  Esq.,  113. 

Goatsnose,  the  celebrated,  inter 
view  with,  95. 

Gray's  letters  are  letters,  86. 

Great  horn  spoon,  sworn  by,  66 

Greeks,  ancient,  whether  they 
questioned  candidates,  95. 

Green  Man,  sign  of,  40. 


H. 

Ham,  sandwich,  an  orthodox  (but 
peculiar)  one,  71. 

Hamlets,  machine  for  making, 
98. 

Hammon,  58,  note,  94. 

Hannegan,  Mr.,  something  said 
by,  48. 

Harrison,  General,  how  preserv 
ed,  93. 

Hat-trees,  in  full  bearing,  114. 

Hawkins,  Sir  John,  stout,  some 
thing  he  saw,  114. 

Henry  the  Fourth  of  England, 
a  Parliament  of,  how  named, 
46. 

Hercules,  his  second  labor  prob 
ably  what,  142. 

Herodotus,  story  from,  14. 

Hesperides,  an  inference  from. 
114. 

Holden,  Mr.  Shearjashub,  Pre 
ceptor  of  Jaalam  Academy, 
94  —  his  knowledge  of  Greek 
limited,  ib.  —  a  heresy  of  his, 
ib.  —  leaves  a  fund  to  propa 
gate  it,  95. 

Hollis,  Ezra,  goes  to  a  Cornwal 
lis,  16. 


INDEX. 


155 


Hollow,  why  men  providential 
ly  so  constructed,  47. 

Homer,  a  phrase  of,  cited,  74. 

Homers,  democratic  ones,  plums 
left  for,  52. 

Howell,  James,  Esq.,  story  told 
by,  46  —  letters  of,  commend 
ed,  86. 

Human  rights  out  of  order  on 
the  floor  of  Congress,  66. 

Humbug,  ascription  of  praise  to, 
80  —  generally  believed  in,  ib. 

Husbandry,  instance  of  bad,  33. 


I. 


Icarius,  Penelope's  father,  38. 

Infants,  prattlings  of,  curious  ob 
servation  concerning,  13. 

Information  wanted  (universal 
ly,  but  especially  at  page),  86. 


J. 

Jaalam  Centre,  Anglo-Saxons 
unjustly  suspected  by  the 
young  ladies  there,  26  — 
"  Independent  Blunderbuss," 
strange  conduct  of  editor  of, 
73 — public  meeting  at,  87. 

Jaalam  Point,  light-house  on, 
charge  of  prospectively  offered 
to  Mr.  H.  Biglow,  92  —  meet 
ing-house  ornamented  with 
imaginary  clock,  116. 

Jakes,  Captain,  135 — reproved 
for  avarice,  136. 

James  the  Fourth  of  Scots,  ex 
periment  by,  14. 

Jarnagin,  Mr.,  his  opinion  of 
the  completeness  of  Northern 
education,  68. 

Jerome,  Saint,  his  list  of  sacred 
writers,  86. 


Job,  Book  of,  11  —  Chappelow 
on,  74. 

Johnson,  Mr.,  communicates 
some  intelligence,  70.  . 

Jonah,  the  inevitable  destiny  of, 
71 — probably  studied  inter 
nal  .economy  of  the  cetacea, 
85. 

Jortin,  Dr.,  cited,  44,  58,  note. 

Judea,  every  thing  not  known 
there,  36. 

Juvenal,  a  saying  of,  56,  note. 


K. 

Kay,  Sir,  the,  of  modern  chival 
ry,  who,  64. 

Key,  brazen  one,  63. 

Keziah,  Aunt,  profound  obser 
vation  of,  3. 

Kinderhook,  120. 

Kingdom  Come,  march  to,  easy, 
100. 

Konigsmark,  Count.  12. 


Lamb,  Charles,  his  epistolary 
excellence,  86. 

Latimer,  Bishop,  episcopizes 
Satan,  11. 

Latin  tongue,  curious  informa 
tion  concerning,  39. 

Launcelot,  Sir,  a  trusser  of  gi 
ants  formerly,  perhaps  would 
find  less  sport  therein  now 
65. 

Letters  classed,  86  —  their  shape, 
87  —  of  candidates,  92  —  of 
ten  fatal,  93. 

Lewis  Philip,  a  scourger  of 
young  native  Americans,  57 
—  commiserated  (though  ntf 
deserving  it),  58,  note. 


156 


INDEX. 


Liberator,  a  newspaper,  con 
demned  by  implication,  41. 

Liberty  unwholesome  for  men 
<  of  certain  complexions,  75. 

L'ignum  vitae,  a  gift  of  this  val 
uable  wood  proposed,  27. 

Longinus  recommends  swear 
ing,  15,  note  (Fuseli  did  same 
thing) . 

Long  sweetening  recommended, 
101. 

Lost  arts,  one  sorrowfully  added 
to  list  of,  141. 

Louis  the  Eleventh  of  France, 
some  odd  trees  of  his,  114. 

Lowell,  Mr.  J.  R.,  unaccountable 
silence  of,  38. 

Luther,  Martin,  his  first  appear 
ance  as  Europa,  28. 

Lyttelton,  Lord,  his  letters  an 
imposition,  86. 


M. 

Macrobii,  their  diplomacy,  95. 

Mahomet,  got  nearer  Sinai  than 
some,  74. 

Mahound,  his  filthy  gobbets,  28. 

Mangum,  Mr.,  speaks  to  the 
point,  67. 

Manichsean,  excellently  confut 
ed,  61. 

Man-trees,  grew  where,  114. 

Mares'-nests,  finders  of,  benevo 
lent,  85. 

Marshfield,  120,  129. 

Martin,  Mr.  Sawin  used  to  vote 
for  him,  131. 

Mason  and  Dixon's  line,  slaves 
north  of,  67. 

Mass,  the,  its  duty  defined,  67. 

Massachusetts  on  her  knees,  9  — 
something  mentioned  in  con 
nection  with,  worthy  the  at 
tention  of  tailors,  49  —  citi 


zen  of,  baked,  boiled,  and 
roasted  (nefandum!},  108. 

Masses,  the,  used  as  butter  by 
some,  52. 

M.  C.,  an  invertebrate  animal, 
55. 

Mechanics'  Fair,  reflections  sug 
gested  at,  98. 

Mentor,  letters  of,  dreary,  86. 

Mephistopheles    at    a    nonplus, 

Mexican  blood,  its  effect  in  rais 
ing  price  of  cloth,  117. 

Mexican  polka,  30. 

Mexicans  charged  with  various 
breaches  of  etiquette,  25  — 
kind  feelings  beaten  into  them, 
80. 

Mexico,  no  glory  in  overcoming, 
50. 

Military  glory  spoken  disre 
spectfully  of,  21,  note  —  mili 
tia  treated  still  worse,  ib. 

Milk-trees,  growing  still,  113. 

Mills  for  manufacturing  gabble, 
how  driven,  60. 

Milton,  an  unconscious  plagiary, 
48,  note  —  a  Latin  verse  of, 
cited,  75. 

Missions,  a  profitable  kind  of,  76. 

Monarch,  a  pagan,  probably  not 
favored  in  philosophical  ex 
periments,  14. 

Money-trees  desirable,  113  — 
that  they  once  existed  shown 
to  be  variously  probable,  114. 

Montaigne,  a  communicative  old 
Gascon,  85. 

Monterey,  battle  of,  its  singular 
chromatic  effect  on  a  species 
of  two-headed  eagle,  57. 

Moses  held  up  vainly  as  an  ex 
ample,  74  —  construed  by  Joe 
Smith,  75. 

Myths,  how  to  interpret  readily. 
95. 


INDEX. 


157 


N. 

Naboths,  Popish  ones,  how  dis 
tinguished,  30. 

Nation,  rights  of,  proportionate 
to  size,  25. 

National  pudding,  its  effect  on 
the  organs  of  speech,  a  curious 
physiological  fact,  31. 

Nephelira,  not  yet  extinct,  142. 

New  England  overpoweringly 
honored,  54  —  wants  no  more 
speakers,  ib.  —  done  brown 
by  whom,  ib.  —  her  experi 
ence  in  beans  beyond  Cicero's, 
95. 

Newspaper,  the,  wonderful,  80 

—  a  strolling    theatre,    81  — 
thoughts  suggested  by  tearing 
wrapper    of,    82  —  a   vacant 
sheet,  ib.  —  a  sheet  in  which 
a  vision  was  let  down,  83  — 
wrapper  to  a  bar  of  soap,  ib. 

—  a   cheap   impromptu  plat 
ter,  ib. 

New  York,  Letters  from,  com 
mended,  86. 

Next  life,  what,  73. 

Niggers,  7  —  area  of  abusing, 
extended,  50  —  Mr.  Sawin's 
opinions  of,  133. 

Ninepence  a  day  low  for  mur 
der,  17. 

No,  a  monosyllable,  31 — hard 
to  utter,  ib. 

Noah,  inclosed  letter  in  bottle, 
probably,  85. 

Nornas,  Lapland,  what,  115. 

North,  has  no  business,  66  — 
bristling,  crowded  off  roost, 
92. 

North  Bend,  geese  inhumanly 
treated  at,  93  —  mentioned, 
120. 

North  star,  a  proposition  to  in 
dict,  71. 


0. 

Off  ox,  90. 

Officers,  miraculous  transforma 
tion  in  character  of,  27  — An 
glo-Saxon,  come  very  near 
being  anathematized,  28. 

O'Phace,  Increase  D.,  Esq., 
speech  of,  45. 

Oracle  of  Fools,  still  respectful 
ly  consulted,  46. 

Orion,becomes  commonplace,  83. 

Orrery,  Lord,  his  letters  (lord ! ), 
86. 

Ostracism,  curious  species  of,  46. 


P. 

Palestine,  28. 

Palfrey,  Hon.  J.  G.,  46,  54,  56 

(a  worthy  representative  of 

Massachusetts). 

Pantagruel  recommends  a  pop 
ular  oracle,  46. 
Panurge,    his    interview    with 

Goatsnose,  95. 
Papists,  female,  slain  by  zealous 

Protestant  bomb-shell,  117. 
Paralipomenon,  a  man  suspected 

of  being,  93. 
Paris,  liberal  principles  safe  as 

far  away  as,  75. 
Parliamentum  Indoctorum  sitting 

in  permanence,  46. 
Past,  the,  a  good  nurse,  64. 
Patience,  sister,  quoted,  20. 
Paynims,   their  throats    propa- 

gandistically  cut,  28. 
Penelope,  her  wise  choice,  38. 
People,  soft  enough,  77  —  want 

correct  ideas,  110. 
Pepin,  King,  87. 
Periwig,  91. 
Persius,  a  pithy  saying  of,  52, 

note. 


158 


INDEX. 


Pescara,  Marquis,  saying  of, 
11. 

Peter.  Saint,  a  letter  of  (post 
mortem),  87. 

Pharisees,  opprobriously  referred 
to,  75. 

Philippe,  Louis,  in  pea-jacket, 
81. 

Phlegyas  quoted,  72. 

Phrygian  language,  whether  Ad 
am  spoke  it,  14. 

Pilgrims,  the,  50. 

Pillows,  constitutional,  56. 

Pinto,  Mr.,  some  letters  of  his 
commended,  86. 

Pisgah,  an  impromptu  one,  115. 

Platform,  party,  a  convenient 
one,  111. 

Plato,  supped  with,  85  — his  man, 
93. 

Pleiades,  the,  not  enough  es 
teemed,  83. 

Pliny,  his  letters  not  admired, 
86. 

Plotinus,  a  story  of,  64. 

Plymouth  Rock,  Old,  a  Conven 
tion  wrecked  on,  50. 

Point  Tribulation,  Mr.  Sawin 
wrecked  on,  113. 

Poles,  exile,  whether  crop  of 
beans  depends  on,  24,  note. 

Polk,  President,  synonymous 
with  our  country,  35  —  cen 
sured,  50  —  in  danger  of  being 
crushed,  52. 

Polka,  Mexican,  30. 

Pomp,  a  runaway  slave,  his  nest, 
133  —  hypocritically  groans 
like  white  man,  134  —  blind 
to  Christian  privileges,  135  — 
his  society  valued  at  fifty  dol 
lars,  ib. — his  treachery,  136 
—  takes  Mr.  Sawin  prison 
er,  138  —  cruelly  makes  him 
work,  ib.  —  puts  himself  ille 
gally  under  his  tuition,  139  — 


dismisses  him  with  contume 
lious  epithets,  ib. 

Pontifical  bull,  a  tamed  one,  28. 

Pope,  his  verse  excellent,  13. 

Pork,  refractory  in  boiling,  27. 

Portugal,  Alphonso  the  Sixth 
of,  a  monster,  141. 

Post,  Boston,  38  —  shaken  visi 
bly,  40  —  bad  guide-post,  ib 

—  too  swift,  ib.  — edited  by  a 
colonel,  ib.  — who  is  presumed 
officially  in  Mexico,  ib.  —  re 
ferred  to,  59. 

Pot-hooks,  death  in,  96. 
Preacher,  an  ornamental  symbol, 
74  —  a  breeder  of  dogmas,  ib. 

—  earnestness    of,  important, 
141. 

Present,  considered  as  an  annal 
ist,  74  —  not  long  wonderful, 
83. 

President,  slaveholding  natural 
to,  79  —  must  be  a  Southern 
resident.  111 — must  own  a 
nigger,  ib. 

Principle,  exposure  spoils  it,  48. 

Principles,  bad,  when  less  harm 
ful,  32. 

Prophecy,  a  notable  one,  58. 

Proviso,  bitterly  spoken  of,  90. 

Prudence,  sister,  her  idiosyncrat 
ic  teapot,  104. 

Psammeticus,  an  experiment  of, 
14. 

Public  opinion  a  blind  and 
drunken  guide,  31  —  nudges 
Mr.  Wilbur's  elbow,  ib.  — 
ticklers  of,  51. 

Pythagoras  a  bean-hater,  why, 
95. 

Pythagoreans,  fish  reverenced 
by,  why,  62. 

Q. 

Quixote,  Don,  65. 


INDEX. 


159 


R. 

Rag,  one  of  sacred  college,  31. 

Rantoul,  Mr.,  talks  loudly,  19 
—  pious  reason  for  not  enlist- 
ing,  ib. 

Recruiting  sergeant,  Devil  sup 
posed  the  first,  11. 

Representatives'  Chamber,  62. 

Rhinothism,  society  for  promot 
ing,  85. 

Rhyme,  whether  natural  not  con 
sidered,  13. 

Rib,  an  infrangible  one,  101. 

Richard  the  First  of  England, 
his  Christian  fervor,  28. 

Riches  conjectured  to  have  legs 
as  well  as  wings,  71. 

Robinson,  Mr.  John  P.,  his  opin 
ions  fully  stated,  34  -  36. 

Rocks,  pocket  full  of,  103. 

Rough  and  Ready,  126  —  a  wig, 
128  —  a  kind  of  scratch,  ib. 

Russian  eagle  turns  Prussian 
blue,  57. 


S. 

Sabbath,  breach  of,  29. 

SabelRaniam,  one  accused  of,  93. 

Saltillo,  unfavorable  view  of,  21. 

Salt-river,  in  Mexican,  what,  21. 

Samuel,  Uncle,  riotous,  56  — yet 
has  qualities  demanding  rev 
erence,  75 — a  good  provider 
for  his  family,  77  —  an  exor 
bitant  bill  of/117. 

Sansculottes,  draw  their  wine 
before  drinking,  69. 

Santa  Anna,  his  expensive  leg, 
109. 

Satan,  never  wants  attorneys, 
28  —  an  expert  talker  by  signs. 
ib.  —  a  successful  fisherman 
with  little  or  no  bait,  29  — 


cunning  fetch  of,  32  —  dislikes 
ridicule,  39  —  ought  not  to 
have  credit  of  ancient  oracles, 
58.  note. 

Satirist,  incident  to  certain  dan 
gers,  32. 

Savages,  Canadian,  chance  of 
redemption  offered  to,  141. 

Sawin,  B..  Esquire,  his  letter  not 
written  in  verse,  13  —  a  native 
of  Jaalam,  14  —  not  regular 
attendant  on  Rev.  Mr.  Wil 
bur's  preaching,  ib.  —  a  fool, 
ib.  —  his  statements  trustwor 
thy,  15  —  his  ornithological 
tastes,  ib.  —  letter  from,  16, 
97,  120  —  his  curious  discov 
ery  in  regard  to  bayonets,  1 7, 
18  —  displays  proper  family 
pride,  18  —  modestly  confess 
es  himself  less  wise  than  the 
Queen  of  Sheba,  24  —  the  old 
Adam  in,  peeps  out,  27  —  a 
miles  emeritus,  97  —  is  made 
text  for  a  sermon,  ib.  —  loses 
a  leg,  99  —  an  eye,  100  —  left 
hand,  101  —  four  fingers  of 
right  hand,  ib.  — has  six  or 
more  ribs  broken,  ib.  —  a  rib 
of  his  infrangible,  ib.  —  allows 
a  certain  amount  of  preterite 
greenness  in  himself,  102,  103 
—  his  share  of  spoil  limited, 
103  — his  opinion  of  Mexican 
climate,  104  —  acquires  prop 
erty  of  a  certain  sort,  105  — 
his  experience  of  glory,  106, 
107  —  stands  sentry,  and  puns 
thereupon,  107  —  undergoes 
martyrdom  in  some  of  its 
most  painful  forms,  108  — 
enters  the  candidating  busi 
ness,  ib.  — modestly  states  the 
(availabilities  which  qualify 
him  for  high  political  station, 
109-  112  — has  no  principles 


160 


INDEX. 


109  —  a  peaceman,  ib.  —  un 
pledged,  110  —  has  no  objec 
tions  to  owning1  peculiar  prop 
erty,  but  would  not  like  to 
monopolize  the  truth,  112  — 
his  account  with  glory,  113  — 
a  selfish  motive  hinted  in,  ib. 

—  sails    for    Eldorado,   ib.  — 
shipwrecked  on  a  metaphori 
cal  promontory,  ib.  —  parallel 
between,  and  Rev.  Mr.  Wil 
bur  (not  Plutarchian),  115  — 
conjectured  to  have  bathed  in 
river   Selcmnus,    120 — loves 
plough   wisely,   but    not    too 
well,   ib.  —  a  foreign  mission 
probably  expected  by,  121  — 
unanimously    nominated    for 
presidency,  122 — his  country's 
father-in-law,  123  —  nobly  em 
ulates    Cincinnatus,   124  —  is 
not  a  crooked  stick,  ib.  —  ad 
vises    his    adherents,    125  — 
views  of,  on  present  state  of 
politics,    125-133  —  popular 
enthusiasm    for,  at   Bellers's, 
and    its    disagreeable    conse 
quences,  126  —  inhuman  treat 
ment  of,  by  Boilers,  127  —  his 
opinion   of   the   two    parties, 
128— agrees  with  Mr.  Web 
ster,  1 29  —  his  antislavcry  zeal, 
131 — his  proper  self-respect, 
ib.  —  his  unaffected  piety,  132 

—  his  not  intemperate  temper 
ance,  ib.  —  a  thrilling  adven 
ture   of,   133-140  —  his   pru 
dence   and   economy.    134  — 
bound  to  Captain  Jakes,  but 
regains  his  freedom.  135  —  is 
taken  prisoner,  137,138  —  ig- 
nominiously  treated,  138.  139 

—  his   consequent   resolution, 
140. 

Sayrcs,  a  martyr.  03. 
ScaJiger,  saying  of,  33. 


ScarabcKiis  pilularius,  22. 

Scott,  General,  his  claims  to 
the  presidency,  40,  43. 

Scythians,  their  diplomacy  com 
mended,  95. 

Seamen,  colored,  sold,  10. 

Selemnus,  a  sort  of  Lethean 
river,  120. 

Senate,  debate  in,  made  read 
able,  63. 

Seneca,  saying  of,  32  —  another. 
58  —  overrated  by  a  saint  (but 
see  Lord  Eolingbroke's  opin 
ion  of,  in  a  letter  to  Dean 
Swift),  86  —  his  letters  not 
commended,  ib.  —  a  son  of 
Rev.  Mr.  Wilbur,  116. 

Serbonian  bog  of  literature,  62. 

Sextons,  demand  for,  20  —  hero 
ic  official  devotion  of  one,  140. 

Shaking  fever,  considered  as  an 
employer,  105. 

Shakspeare,  a  good  reporter, 
45. 

Sham,  President,  honest,  51. 

Sheba,  Queen  of,  24. 

Sheep,  none  of  Rev.  Mr.  Wil 
bur's  turned  wolves,  14. 

Snem,  Scriptural  curse  of,  140. 

Show,  natural  to  love  it,  21, 
note. 

Silver  spoon  born  in  Democra 
cy's  mouth,  what,  53. 

Sinai,  suffers  outrages,  74. 

Sin,  wilderness  of,  modern,  what, 
74. 

Skin,  hole  in,  strange  taste  of 
some  for,  107. 

Slaughter,  whether  God  strength 
en  us  for,  29. 

Slaughterers  and  soldiers  com 
pared,  118. 

Slaughtering  nowadays  is 
slaughtering,  118. 

Slavery,  of  no  color,  7  —  corner 
stone  of  liberty,  59  —  also  key- 


INDEX. 


161 


stone,  66  —  last  crumb  of 
Eden,  70  —  a  Jonah,  71  — 
an  institution,  91  —  a  private 
State  concern,  134. 

Smith,  Joe,  used  as  a  translation, 
75. 

Smith,  John,  an  interesting  char 
acter,  84. 

Smith,  Mr.,  fears  entertained 
for,  72  —  dined  with,  85. 

Smith,  N.  B.,  his  magnanimity, 
81. 

Soandso,  Mr.,  the  great,  defines 
his  position,  81. 

Sol,  the  fisherman,  23 — sound 
ness  of  respiratory  organs 
hypothetically  attributed  to, 
iS. 

Solon,  a  saying  of,  31. 

South  Carolina,  futile  attempt  to 
anchor,  85. 

Spanish,  to  walk,  what,  24. 

Speech-making,  an  abuse  of  gift 
of  speech,  60. 

Star,  north,  subject  to  indict 
ment,  whether,  71. 

Store,  cheap  cash,  a  wicked 
fraud,  115. 

Strong,  Governor  Caleb,  a  pa 
triot,  37. 

Swearing,  commended  as  a  fig 
ure  of  speech,  15,  note. 

Swift,  Dean,  threadbare  saying 
of,  39. 


T. 

Tag,  elevated  to  the  Cardinal- 
ate,  31. 

Taxes,  direct,  advantages  of,  116, 
117. 

Taylor  zeal,  its  origin,  126  — 
General,  greased  by  Mr. 
Choate,  129,  130. 

Thanks,  get  lodged,  106. 
11 


Thirty-nine  articles  might  be 
made  serviceable,  30. 

Thor,  a  foolish  attempt  of,  64. 

Thumb,  General  Thomas,  a  val 
uable  member  of  society,  55. 

Thunder,  supposed  in  easy  cir 
cumstances,  102. 

Thynne,  Mr.,  murdered,  12. 

Time,  an  innocent  personage  to 
swear  by,  15  —  a  scene-shifter, 
82. 

Toms,  Peeping,  84. 

Trees,  various  kinds  of  extraor 
dinary  ones,  113,  114. 

Trowbridge,  William,  mariner, 
adventure  of,  29. 

Truth  and  falsehood  start  from 
same  point,  33  —  truth  invul 
nerable  to  satire,  ib.  —  compar 
ed  to  a  river,  45  —  of  fiction 
sometimes  truer  than  fact,  ib. 
—  told  plainly,  passim. 

Tuileries,  exciting  scene  at,  58. 

Tully,  a  saying  of,  48,  note. 

Tweedledee,  gospel  according 
to,  75. 

Tweedledum,  great  principles  of, 


u. 

Ulysses,  husband  of  Penelope, 

38 — borrows     money,    115. 

(For  full  particulars  of,  see 

Homer  and  Dante.) 
University,   triennial    catalogue 

of,  42. 


V. 

Van  Buren  fails  of  gaining  Mr. 
Sawin's  confidence,  131  —  his 
son  John  reproved,  132. 

Van,  Old,  plan  to  set  up,  130 


162 


INDEX. 


Venetians,  invented  something 
once,  115. 

Vices,  cardinal,  sacred  conclave 
of,  31. 

Victoria,  Queen,  her  natural  ter 
ror,  57. 

Vratz,  Captain,  a  Pomeranian, 
singular  views  of,  12. 


W. 

Walpole,  Horace,  classed,  85  — 
his  letters  praised,  86. 

Waltham  Plain,  Cornwallis  at, 
16. 

Walton,  punctilious  in  his  inter 
course  with  fishes,  30. 

War,  abstract,  horrid,  89  —  its 
hoppers,  grist  of,  what,  106. 

Warton,  Thomas','  a  story  of, 
43. 

Washington,  charge  brought 
against,  123. 

Washington,  city  of,  climatic  in 
fluence  of,  on  coats,  49  — 
mentioned,  63  —  grand  jury 
of,  71. 

Washingtons,  two  hatched  at  a 
time  by  improved  machine, 
123. 

Water,  Taunton,  proverbially 
weak,  133. 

Water- trees,  114. 

Webster,  some  sentiments  of, 
commended  by  Mr.  Sawin, 
129. 

Westcott,  Mr.,  his  horror,  70. 

Whig  party,  has  a  large  throat, 
41  — but  query  as  to  swallow 
ing  spurs,  130. 

White-house,  92. 

Wife-trees,  114. 

Wilbur,  Rev.  Homer,  A.  M., 
consulted,  2  —  his  instructions 
to  his  flock,  14  —  a  proposition 


of  his  for  Protestant  bomb 
shells,  30  —  his  elbow  nudged, 
31  — his  notions  of  satire,  32 

—  some  opinions  of  his  quot 
ed  with  apparent  approval  by 
Mr.  Biglow,  36  —  geographi 
cal    speculations    of,   37  —  a 
justice   of  the   peace,  ib.  —  a 
letter  of,  38  —  a  Latin  pun  of, 
39  —  runs  against  a  post  with 
out  injury,  40  —  does  not  seek 
notoriety  (whatever  some  ma- 
lignants  may  affirm),  41  —  fits 
youths  for  college,  42  —  a  chap 
lain  during  late  war  with  Eng 
land,  44  —  a  shrewd  observa 
tion    of,   46  —  some    curious 
speculations   of,   60-62  —  his 
martello-tower,    60  -*  forgets 
he  is  not  in  pulpit,  71,  97-99 

—  extracts  from  sermon  of,  73, 
80  —  interested  in  John  Smith, 
84  —  his    views     concerning 
present  state  of  letters,  84  -87 

—  a  stratagem  of.  93  —  ven 
tures  two  hundred  and  fourth 
interpretation    of    Beast    in 
Apocalypse,     94  —  christens 
Hon.  B.   Sawin,  then  an  in 
fant,  97  —  an  addition  to  our 
sylva  proposed  by,  113  —  curi 
ous  and  instructive  adventure 
of,    115-116 — his    account 
with  an  unnatural  uncle,  117 

—  his  uncomfortable  imagina 
tion,  118  —  speculations  con 
cerning  Cincinnatus,  120,  12J 

—  confesses     digressive     ter, 
dency  of  mind,  140  —  goes  to 
work  on  sermon  (not  without 
fear  that  his  readers  will  dub 
him  with  a  reproachful  epithet 
like    that  with   which    Isaac 
Allerton,  a    Mayflower  man. 
revenges  himself  on  a  del  in 
quent  debtor  of  his,  calling 


INDEX. 


163 


him  in  his  will,  and  thus 
holding  him  up  to  posteri 
ty,  as  "John  Peterson,  THE 
BORE"),  142. 

Wilbur,  Mrs.,  an  invariable  rule 
of,  42  —  her  profile,  43. 

Wildbore,  a  vernacular  one,  how 
to  escape,  62. 

Wind,  the,  a  good  Samaritan, 
98. 

Wooden  leg,  remarkable  for  so 


briety,  100— never  eats  pud 
ding,  102. 

Wright,  Colonel,  providentially 
rescued,  22. 

Wrong,  abstract,  safe  to  op 
pose,  52. 


Z. 


Zack,  Old,  125. 


THE    EWD 


